Sheila, you noted that your son is a fine, enjoyable man when not using. Understanding that piece is where you will find the will to end this. Our son was an addict. We believed for so long that the "bad" things we were seeing from him were our responsibility for having parented badly, and for the chaos in our home. We put up with so much, Sheila, trying to change him, trying to understand him, trying to help him, trying to correct whatever mistake it was we had made that changed him into this nasty, embarrassing, irresponsible jerk he became. We knew he was using drugs? What we did not know was that the drug use was destroying him from the core out.
And then?
I found this site.
And with the help of everyone here ~ and believe me, it took awhile ~ I learned that everything we were seeing was typical for addicts ~ and that everything we were feeling was exactly what the parents of addicted kids feels.
And I learned that the only thing we could do was turn away.
You cannot reach, you will never be heard, you will not be able to change, someone actively using his or her drug of choice.
Addiction is a terrible thing, Sheila.
Those who posted before I did are absolutely right. The only thing you can do for your son is put responsibility for his life back into his hands. He is the only one who can change where he is going. He refuses to do so. Not that he cannot do it, Sheila. He refuses to stop using drugs. His decision to use drugs, to destroy his own life and to shatter your family, cancels your responsibility to him. Once you can really understand that, down deep where you love him so much, you will be able to grieve and to let him go.
I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your family. This kind of pain, the horror of having to acknowledge what has happened to your child and then, to act on that knowledge, is more than any mother or father should have to face.
But we have to, Sheila. Or our children's addictions will destroy us. Time will pass in grief and misery, in intense focus on the chaotic life of the addict. One day, we awaken to the knowledge that we are older, and that our lives have been spent servicing a drug addict's addictions. The joy we should have taken, the peace we should have known, the pride we should have felt in our children and grandchildren ~ all eaten away, all twisted and made ugly, by the addiction.
Evict the son. If you can do it, close up your house and get away from all of this for a week or two. During that time, read all you can about parents who are abused by their children. MWM did a thread on that. If you are reading this, MWM, could you list the article again for Sheila?
Please keep posting, Sheila. So many of us have been right where you are, now. What you and your husband need to do regarding your son will be difficult, but you CAN do it.
It will always be painful. You will be tempted, so many times, to jump in and help him. It all feels so wrong. But we have to decide whether we are going to sacrifice our lives in the service of an addiction.
Our addicted kids are just as trapped as we are.
But they are the only ones who can stop using.
And they won't do that as long as we are there to prevent them from having to face themselves.
Cedar