New here. Thank goodness I've found a place where people understand.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sweetmama714, Aug 23, 2014.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Short story: I raised two children alone. daughter is 24, difficult child is 21. He is ADHD, ODD, and I suspect Antisocial Personality Disorder (he fits all the traits).

    I'm such a dumb pushover. Given that I was alone all these years, I've always tried to alleviate what they DIDN'T have (a father) and tried to live and provide in such a way that they could see that while not perfect, not horrible upbringing either.

    difficult child is 21 and acts about 14 or 15. Finished all his credits for high school in 2011, just didn't pass the state test so he didn't graduate. since then he has gotten and lost some very good jobs, has been aggressive (punch holes in walls) and most recently in february of this year I discovered that he had stolen and sold all of my handbags. (expensive handbags). He lied, of course, and I filed a police report. It wasn't until the detective called him that he admitted that he did it. I didn't file charges (which I now regret). But that act, was just too much. I had been considering, now that my kids were growing moving to another town. I travel 99% of the time for my job and am really only home on weekends anyway- why not move where I am most of the time? But I stayed where I was because I "wanted to provide as much help as possible to difficult child to get on his feet". What a fool. So, I moved out of the house. All my stuff. I couldn't travel every sunday and wonder what was left when I got back? He stayed there a while, then moved to his sisters. She has since had enough (last week) and made him leave, so now he is back at the empty house (not listed yet- trying to do fixes/updates to the house as much as possible during the 1 full day a week I'm home each week). Up to this point, "Kicking him out" wouldn't work because i was gone- and even if I had taken key, he wouldn't have left. I see now that I "justified" letting him live there because I was afraid that trying to make him leave would result in him destroying my property or my daughters.

    last week I discovered that he has stolen from a family member. I mean.....why? I was literally sick while out of town- nauseous and unable to sleep. I couldn't BELIEVE this was happening again. So I've told him a lie that I'm listing the house next week, and he can't live there while it's listed (He doesn't know any different or better).

    There are many things I could have done better as his mother. I know that I tried. I really did. He knows right or wrong. After reading here for the last 3 days - I've started my new mantra- he is 21 years old and the things he does or is doing are choices he is making. I do not own his choices. He must realize that his choices have caused his current situation- "thisclose" to no place to live, no job, nothing. I've done all I can.

    I'm literally worn out and want to move away RIGHT NOW. Just run away and be done.
  2. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    ...and now he's asking for money and I'm telling him no. he's so angry right now- why can't he realize that the consequences he is experiencing are a result of HIS actions?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When a difficult child, usually an adult we raised who knows better, is told "no" they freak out to scare us into doing what they want. You are probably right about him having some antisocial traits. These are not nice men. My son has antisocial traits. He stole from us and ordered porn with his dad's credit card until he was out of my house first then ex's house. He did some "iffy" illegal things that I don't know specially what they were, but once he was afraid the FBI would come after him. My daughter says he abused her and what she told me is mindboggling.

    Stealing is a staple of an adult child with antisocial personality disorder or traits of it AS IS DRUG USE. He could be using illegal substances as well. Both types lie a blue streak and if antisocial at all can not be considered safe to anyone. However, it is not anything you did. They just seem to be born lacking a normal conscience or a normal sense of right and wrong. They know right from wrong, but they don't care about it, feel entitled, and will take what they can in sneaky ways and, if that doesn't work, sometimes with violence. If you are afraid of him because you set a boundary, definitely get a restraining order against him, especially if he has been verbally or physically violent before or has defaced your property. We hate to do it. We have no choice. I sure would be nervous leaving him alone at your house if he is prone to destroying your property and is angry at you. Bad combination.

    I don't know the circumstances of your son's birth, but very often a child inherits the personality of his parent...his father. Yes, even if he never met him, 50% of his genes reside inside your son and if his birthfather was a not-nice person, sadly, your son could have inherited part of his nastiness. My family tree is chock full of horrible people. I only had one biological child then adopted the rest. I was too afraid of passing along my DNA, but he still got a good chunk of my family's nastiness.

    These difficult children do not believe they will ever suffer consequences. He more than likely expects you to be intimidated into giving him money again, even though he steals and probably uses illegal substances. They EXPECT to get their way. Their minds don't work like ours do.

    If you can move away, that is probably best for you. He is a 21 year old man. He may be emotionally young, but he needs to grow up fast. In the eyes of the law he is still 21. He needs to get a job and swim or sink on his own. You are not his mommy anymore, giving him toys when he cries. You are his Mother and should have an adult to adult relationship with him, one in which you BOTH give and take, and I don't mean money. I mean emotionally.

    Most of us on this site are figuring out how to live good lives in spite of our difficult children. Do join us. You may want to start out by reading the article on "Detachment" on the site. A good book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Another book you may find interesting is "Without Conscience" by Dr. Robert Hare (this definitely showed me that my son had antisocial and narcissistic traits). It made me understand what made him tick and how to deal with him from afar since he is two states away.

    Hugs and I hope you can find some goodness in your world tonight. I'm sure there is goodness. Focus on that and take good care of YOU. Do what is best for YOU. Your children are grown. Let them go down their own life path. And you enjoy the rest of your life :)
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  4. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thank you so much for your reply. There is so much more I could type to give background, but the theme of all these stories are what they are.

    In many ways, I think he is a lot of talk. He doesn't 'really' want to go to jail, and he knows that. I know that. He's never been violent towards me personally- I know that I've long said he would lie to Jesus. That boy has lied all his life- and yes, his biological father is a major manipulator and liar. I guess I wanted to believe nurture vs nature.

    His other 'tool' is to threaten suicide. that's what got him in an inpatient facility in the 10th grade. I'm constantly terrified he'll do it.

    I realize, with all the reading I've done here and research online just in the last few days- I 'cover' for him to 'keep him happy'. I mean, when I insist on my 'logical' side thinking about this- I am disgusted. and embarrassed. and just overall sad. /sigh.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Any drug use you know of? That's the main reason they steal, unless it is huge amounts of money, which may be that they simply want money and don't care who they get it from (not even parents) or how they scam you and others.
  6. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I know that he has, in the past smoke weed. I do not know about any other types of drugs. Due to my job (blessing in disguise right now, as tired as I am of travelling) I don't see him much. Matter of fact, before the stealing last week- I only really SAW him when he needed something. It sounds martyr-ish (and I swear I try to not let it sound that way)- but I tried so hard to make it easier to get on his feet. I am realizing that all that did was make this all worse. I worry more about my daughter than anything- he has a skewed perception that she 'gets more' (which isn't true) and she is the 'favorite' -and I don't want him to do anything TO HER or HER stuff. We've (she and I) have discussed moving away together and planting new roots. Why should we have to run from him? it's so unfair (I realize nothing is fair)....but it's just so frustrating to me right now. I can say, in all honesty, that any and all crying I've done in the last 4-5 years? All over him. I promise that I lose more sleep than he does.

    I used to say that he should be a lawyer, because he would badger and bed and threaten and cajole so much that an opposing attorney would just give whatever he wanted to shut him up.

    Getting him through school was a nightmare and there is no money in the world anyone could ever give me to do that again.

    Do these types- antisocial (if that is what he is, and I think he is)- get better? Is there a chance for them? Lack of a conscience or empathy of others- I guess that's just what he'll be? Thankfully, he has no kids. I hope, if this is who he will always be, that he never has children.
  7. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member do we, as parents, turn away from our own child? I guess that is what has kept me in this for so long. How do I let him be homeless? Hungry? I can't fix him. I know logically he has to want to do better in order to actually do better. I can't do this for him. Parents, instinctively, protect and look after their children.

    I do sometimes feel like I'm in a domestic violence situation. I really do- even though he has never hit me or even threatened to. I guess I'm afraid of him, is what I'm trying to say. I've never been willing to admit that before.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    sweetmama, he is an adult now. He can get a job. He won't if you don't push him to do it, but there is no reason why he can't work. He can find a room to rent, if that is all he can afford, in somebody's house. At least he is being grown up and independent and paying his own rent. Even flipping burgers beats asking you to support him. If he chooses to be homeless and, yes, it is a choice because he can work, then there are shelters and adult services there he can take advantage of. Many of our kids were homeless once or still are.

    I was very afraid of 36. He never hit me either. He did spit in my face and corner me, but never hit me. I was afraid one day he would though. He did shove his father when he was living with him and his father has always been very sick and frail, even when young. He was also verbally violent. Yes, there is such a thing. Words can scare us too. Threats can scare us. Oh, yeah. The suicide threat. My son has used that so many times that I started calling 911 whenever he did it and the threats stopped. He was furious that I called 911, but I take suicide threats seriously and there was nothing I could do so I hung up and called 911. My son was unemployed, disabled, and homeless for a while. He lived in one seedy hotel after another with my ex paying the bill (I couldn't control ex and really didn't mind him paying for cheap hotels). I sometimes visited him with food.

    There is a large homeless community. Many people want to be homeless and know where to sleep, where the food is, etc. Food is not an issue. There is always food somewhere. You can stay in a shelter if you promise to follow rules. The problem with our difficult child adult kids is that they don't see themselves as adults AND they don't feel accountable to anybody. The rules don't apply to them. Many would rather hang out in tent cities than follow anyone's rules. And until they join society, we can't help them. They are old enough to make their own decisions and we have no control over anyone but ourselves and how we deal with them. It is your choice how to deal with your son and I wish you lots of luck. It may not hurt to go to a domestic violence shelter and talk to them to see if he is abusing you. Verbal abuse can be just as potent as physical abuse and can turn into physical abuse. And sometimes it is our children who abuse us.
  9. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    and right now, as I read the response- he is texting asking if I'm going to help him or not? Even though he asked (via text) this morning and I told him no.

    Oh, and "some mother you are, to not even help your own son".

    I know it's just words, and it's anger, and it's his inability to be reasonable. It would be almost comical that he is so foolish.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What he texted is what they all typically text. "A good mother would send money to me" is typical. The thing is, a good mother helps her adult son grow up, even though he fights it. They try guilt to get us to do what they want. If that fails, expect more. You have the option of not responding or of just saying "I know you're smart and can do this yourself. You don't need me. You're a man now." If he flips out because you won't send him money, you can stop reading his texts or just keep typing "You're an adult now. I love you, but I know you can do this." I prefer turning off the phone. You never answered if he is on drugs or if this is something you really don't know. If he is using drugs or alcohol abusively, a good idea is to join Al-Anon or Narc-Anon for face time support and comfort and to learn how to take care of yourself. You probably have other loved ones who are not getting attention because the difficult children suck all the air out of a room and demand our attention. Often we end up giving our all to a 30 year old difficult child when we have a ten year old who still needs a mother but is not causing us any grief. That's not fair. There is one other person we forget about when we deal with difficult children: Ourselves. We deserve good lives. We do not have to be that 80 year old woman who is still caring for her 60 year old abusive son. We can have a good life, detach, and learn how to cope with finding happiness and serenity in spite of our grown adult children's demands and meanness and struggles. We do not owe them a lifetime of financial support nor a lifetime of living at our house while we cook for them, do their laundry for them and they lay around and sleep all day. I think we owe them a kick to grow up. Without that kick...see my line about the 80 year old woman who never had a life and is still financially supporting her abusive 60 year old son who yells "What kind of mother are you????" Yes, sometimes it goes on forever. But it doesn't have to. The choice is your own.
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  11. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    This is all exactly what i need to hear.

    I've not heard anything else from him so far and I'm just going to quit responding. I'll admit that not responding freaks me out too because he HATES it when he's ignored. I have a brother who is very much like this personality wise and I don't talk to him at all- see him only at holidays because my mother includes him and insists I be nice.

    As far as drugs- I know he's smoked weed (or still does, I really don't know). I don't even see him that much- given my work schedule and traveling.

    And yes, my daughter loses in this because she does NOT cause me grief- and hell, if I wanted to hand out money it would be to her before anyone because she IS trying and lives on her own, no kids, no drama- pays her own rent, car, etc. There are times she is short or needs things and because she tries SO HARD I don't mind helping her.

    She has been greatly affected by this as well. She (unfortunately) has to feel the emotions too- mainly because she is so angry at him on MY behalf. I've told her that I'm fine and will be fine- but she fears him at times as well.

    My other real fear is jail- even if he went to jail, it won't be forever and what happens when he's released? Mad and vengeful.

    All of his crazy talk today- I flat out asked him if he was hyped up on something or high- because surely he can't believe his own bullshit.

    he said he wasn't/isn't.

    It's almost too bad- as crazy as this sounds- if he WERE then at least I could say that it was the drugs talking. But this is who he is. And evidently I've always taken the arrows and relented to keep the peace.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, you are not alone. That's why I brought it up. People do tend to do what we can to avoid nasty confrontations, especially when our own children. And often, if they weren't our children, we wouldn't even talk to them.

    My son scared the wits out of my daughter.
    He scared ME.
    I am glad he has moved two states away and doesn't like to drive far distances. He is stuck there because his son is there, and, he DOES love his son and he is divorced.

    I don't know if you want my two cents or not, but I'd move. You get more peace when they are far away. He doesn't need to live with you again. He is a man. My son is my only child who could never move in with me again...he is too scary. We do ok long distance. I don't give him any money. If I want to get my grandson something, I buy it and mail the item. He gets money (tons of it) from my ex, but I can't control my ex and don't waste time trying to or even thinking about it much, except when my son deliberately annoys me by telling me, "Dad sent me $1500 to help bribe this girl to get out of my house." Yes. The same girl he begged to move in. Ex has lots of money to burn, I guess. As long as my son doesn't ask me for money, it's not my business. I wouldn't send any. He makes a good living and has more toys than I ever did. He will lie to my ex, tell me about it, and in "what a fool."

    Live the rest of you life and let your son live his. If he ends up homeless, it is his own fault. He can work and live very modestly. I remember somebody who had trouble getting a good job after a lay off so he worked at a burger place and rented a room from an elderly woman. He was allowed to use the kitchen too.

    My other adult kids don't like their brother because of how he abuses me. Same story as your daughter. They see it. They know.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  13. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    You know, when I moved out of the home in February- I swore then that he would NEVER live with me again- and not even because I was afraid of him, but because I didn't trust he wouldn't steal my belongings. The Daughter and I are going to church this morning (haven't been in ages) and maybe start making preliminary plans for a move. I've got to get that house sold. I'll be traveling out of town today (100 miles away) for the week. It's always a relief to get away.

    The reason I like it "here" is no judgement because y'all get it. You know how many times I've heard "I don't know why you have let him get away with XYZ so long, just put him out and take his car/phone" - they don't understand the fear.
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    To MWM beautifully written responses, I would add first that I wholeheartedly agree with MWM words and second, that you should expect your son's behavior to escalate.

    I am sorry this is happening.

    It makes everything feel so ugly.

  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Scent, as you know, everything I learned was from The School of Hard Knocks, as is yours. When you've been at it as long as we have, you are either learning to cope and detach or you are half insane. Often these adult kids get meaner and meaner as they older. Some do get better. Mine has mellowed out a lot because I set STRONG phone boundaries and the phone is our only contact. I will not visit him and stay in his house because I'm afraid...and I have little extra money. I can't afford a hotel. He won't travel at all. Part of that is fear (he has serious anxiety) and part of it is selfishness. He doesn't LIKE to drive. He won't even go to Chicago where his Midas Father livess. His father has to drive down to see him and he does. His father is 66 and not well. He has never been well. But to see his grandson, who is the person he really goes to see, he has to drive down to Missouri from Chicago, a five or longer hour drive.

    I just shudder at how ex lets his son take advantage of him, although his son has done many questionable things to ex. Once son wanted a vacation from his job and his boss never gave vacation to anyone unless it was because of a family emergency. So my son told his boss that his father had died (yes, he said that). Then he called my ex and told him not to call work again ever because he had said he had died. No shame. Antisocial. I don't know what else to call it. I see connections between my son and certain other difficult children on the board and your son may be one of them. My son is not fueled by drug taking either. This is who he is. It is what he has always been. He was like this even as a very small boy. The world revolves around him and he'll do anything to get his way. There is something very creepy about a full grown adult, totally in control of his faculties, who just glibly tells somebody a parent has died when he hasn't.

    At any rate, I feel your pain. I don't know if your son will get better. I think you'll like him a lot more if you distance yourself from him and warn his sister to never let him see her when she is alone. It's sad to have to fear a child of ours, but it is an unspoken form of abuse that is still pretty much in the closet. But it's not that uncommon. You hear about elderly people abused by their adult children...these certainly weren't kind adult children before the parents became older. I am definitely going to make sure that, if anything happens to me and I can't make decisions, that my two daughters have control of my welfare. I wouldn't trust that particular son.
  16. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Wanted to give a quick update- he kept on and on and on and on and on and on and I stuck to my guns. Mercy he was mad. I seriously was sick on my drive Sunday evening, because I just did not know what he would do. So, I told my daughter (which is sad, that i have to do this) that if her brother showed up at her apartment, not to answer the door, not to talk to him through the door- make sure all the locks are locked and call the police. Thankfully, she lives in a complex where each building has a courtyard, so if he was being violent trying to get in, there'd be a multitude of neighbors who would hear and see and likely call the police too. He never went by there.

    I guess I don't know how much of his aggression is for show, or how much he means. Again, for far too long, I've enabled this behavior because I was trying to keep everyone from harm. It's like leaving a bad relationship- you have to get to a point where you see the light (so to speak). When I think of all this from the point of "detaching" and think of the last 3 years he's been an adult (not to mention the years before that- he's been, to put it nicely, a handful from day 1).....what a fool I've been.

    I did tell him late on sunday (via text messages) as he, once again, said he'd kill himself or tear up something- I called his bluff. I asked, first of all, if he was making threats towards me? And if he was threatening to kill himself? Then told him that if this continued, I'd cut his phone off, screenshot his threats, and call the police. At first, regarding the threat of suicide, he 'said' that the police couldn't do anything about a choice he was making- I assured him that in Texas, yes they can and there are two options- treatment center or jail. Period. So that stopped (for the moment). I mean, I guess rather than towing the line, I have to just get there with him.

    Any experience with just stopping- as in, just no longer responding? I guess I fear it will just anger him MORE. as in, "Oh, you are going to ignore me? Well, I'll show you!" kind of thing.

    thanks again for all the support- I'm at the beginning stages of all's so scary.
  17. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Hi Sweetmama. I'm new here and I don't have all the answers. But I have experienced many of the things you mention and I feel your heart and struggles in your words. Don't be hard on yourself -- this stuff is BRUTALLY HARD.

    You say your difficult child is 21? Makes suicide threats? Steals? You told him you'd "cut him off" from benefits, etc?

    My difficult child is 24, so I'm only slightly farther down the road than you. He has done many of the same things yours has. We did cut him off. Has it always been pretty since then? No. But it wasn't pretty before then, either. By age 19 our son was "escorted" out of living with us by police/probation officer. We have held to that since. We pay for nothing other than medical bills as he's still on our insurance -- that will change next year. He always found a way to turn cash or items of any kind into drugs (mostly hard drugs).

    Yes, you can say "No." Yes, it's legit. Yes, they're adults.

    Like you, I do worry about suicide (2 attempts here, but even when police pick him up they return him to the streets because he won't go voluntarily and they say he "seems fine". Of course. Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) is slick. Our laws aren't very helpful here, either.

    Has your difficult child ever agreed to any treatment?

    Smart thinking about the screen shot of suicide attempts. Ultimately, their lives are still theirs. You sound like a very caring person and mom. Those are good things! But..........well, manipulators know who to prey upon. They prey on those who care -- parent or not. And, though my son is family, we have been victims of his "prey". FYI -- We now have a home alarm system. I sleep much better at night and if we're out of town.

    Yes, we love them. And, yes they need help. But, the thing is..........we get to live, too. Really.

    Forgive me if I speak out of turn in here anywhere. You just sound like a very heartfelt person and I wanted to express my support, camaraderie, and certainty that you can just say, "No"! Sometimes, it's just time.

    Take care....
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  18. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thanks for your reply and I'm new here too- but boy I wish I had found something like this years ago.

    As far as getting help- I've told him that he NEEDS help (the boy has absolutely ZERO empathy for anyone else, none) and that while he is on my insurance, I can help GET HIM the help. He refuses. Says that all "they" do is tell you what is wrong with you.

    He was on medication for ADHD and quit taking it at 16. I remember the school giving me H3LL over that and I had to ask them- "what would you have me do? Sit on this 16 year old boy and force him to take it every morning?" - I mean, yes, it helped him so much.....but....

    I've offered to go with him to counseling, get HIM counseling, put him in the inpatient treatment again, whatever it takes to help him. But as I read (here, somewhere else? I don't remember)- when the parent (me) cares more about his life and future than HE does- it's time to let go. I've had to repeat that to myself many times.

    I try to not feel guilty. I do. I guess for us, I'm it- there is no father to run to and get help, there is no big family support system. It's always been us. The three of us against the world. One for all and all for one. ha! jokes on me. (tongue in cheek).

    I've found in the last two weeks (from the straw that broke the camel's back- stealing from my mother's house) I've gone through all the stages of grief. Sad. Angry. Resentful. Full of regret. Guilty. I'm back at angry right now.

    So badly I want to tell him (and have him GET IT) that enough is enough! I mean, I have told him that. I've told him that he's 21, I'm not even legally responsible for him. I've been trying to HELP him. He mistakes my kindness for weakness. Then something happens and I'm a crying mess overwhelmed with how we got HERE.

  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi SM, and welcome. You have gotten great advice here, I'm just chiming in to support you. I know how hard this is, once you start on the road of detachment with love, and you "start stopping" all of the things you have been doing, which have been well-intentioned but haven't worked. And remember, it's not going to work. That is a hard lesson for us all to learn, believe me.

    You are 100 percent correct. Hang on to this truth.

    Yep. That's what they do. And like my SO says: "It took him a long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take a long time for him to walk out."

    That means this: he's not going to stop doing what has worked a million times before...overnight. He will keep on doing it and doing it because you and I have taught them well. If they keep on, we will cave. So, now, that you are ready to start stopping, it's going to take a long time for him to get it. It took my difficult child at least two years to start understanding that: Things have changed. And from time to time, he still gives the old stuff a try again. Old habits are hard to break.

    My son stole from me, his dad, his dad's new wife, our neighbors, his employer, my sister and her husband---and that's just the people I know of. Can you imagine how much he has really stolen? That comes hand-in-hand with drug addiction. It's not personal. Don't take it personally. It is part of it.

    Yep. been there done that. Every single time he did this, I said, I will call the police. And I did. One time he barricaded himself in his dad's garage (dad gone to work), cut his wrists superficially, texted the picture of them to his girlfriend, who called me in hysterics. I called the police, called my ex-husband/his dad, got in the car, met the police at the garage, and talked him into opening the door. We all spent the day in the ER and he was sent to the state hospital for a week. I honestly don't believe he had any intention of killing himself. I don't think he ever has. The last time he threatened it---earlier this year---I drove to where he was, got out of the car, got in his face and said: You keep on saying these things, and I am calling the police. He backed down immediately. No more since that time.

    We all did. We did it for years, because we didn't know what else to do. We thought they were immature, just slow to grow up, difficult, lazy, whatever. We thought, this is just about to change. Around that next corner things will be different.

    Once we learned differently, we started doing differently, but we still backslid a million times. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could do. That is always okay.

    Read above. You did the best you could do. That is all any of us can EVER do. We are not perfect.

    Me, too! I said this to difficult child. I have never encountered anyone more persistent than difficult child. I would tell him: If you can turn all of this persistence into a force for good, you can single handedly right all of the wrongs in the world, you have such power behind you.

    Well, you can. I have, five times. I thought I would die at first. But difficult children are survivors. They are incredibly resilient. And there are many services for homeless people. It is so very hard, but it is possible to allow this.

    Yep, so you will cave because HE hates it. Think about that. What about you? What about YOUR LIFE? What about what you want? What about peace and joy and contentment and serenity and happiness? You deserve all of that. And right now. Not in 10 years from now. Start working for all of these things. The pathway to them is stopping enabling, detaching with love and accepting what IS. It takes a lot of hard work, daily work, but you can be on this pathway today. You are already on it--by evidence of what you are posting. Start reading, writing, going to meetings, meditating, doing things for yourself. Start today.

    I know. My difficult child has been in jail either 8 or 9 times---have lost track. You can live with this, too. It's not easy, but you can. And think about this: time goes by, and time is your best friend. The more time that difficult child is "somewhere", somewhere that he can't hurt himself or other people with all of the things he does, that is a good thing. A good thing. Not a bad thing.

    Good for you! You are on the journey. Keep taking small steps for yourself. If you start focusing on yourself, instead of him, things will start to get better. For you and ultimately for him. His progress may not be evident for a long long time. I truly believe that stopping what we have been doing is the only pathway to sanity for us and for our difficult children.

    We must get out of the way. That is our only hope...and theirs.

    Warm Hugs.
  20. eyes2thesky

    eyes2thesky New Member

    I have a 22 yr old son who is off and on homeless. He is again homeless again in another state and I just have a heart break for hearing the news. I thought he was getting it together. I want him to come home and get it together but he has not asked. I am afraid if he does what will I be able to tell him. His track record for living was not good in the past. I realize that he made his own choices but, when will I be able to trust him? I feel like I can't. I don't have the patience. I feel like a bad parent. I tried to raise him with good morals and direction. We tried to get him to go to counseling and didn't get far with that. Just struggling to figure this out without losing contact with him. I feel like I am walking on eggshells because I am not sure on what advise to give him. I'm thinking on replying to him to look for a church or homeless shelter for help. I told him that in the past and he didn't take my advice. I feel like he's milking for sympathy. Or is he really in need of my help?? Sorry I am not sure how to post my topics. I just wanted to share with ones who are troubled with-similar situations. It is great to know we are not alone that there are others going thru this.