New, not sure what I need, LONG sorry

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, May 22, 2007.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I've been lurking here for several months. Actually thought I could get the help I needed that way. Worked until now.

    My difficult child is 20. She was adopted at age 3, husband left us when she was 5. She suffered severe abuse and neglect. Dxes were/are Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), ODD, CD, ADD. Love the alphabet soup! She's probably advanced to borderline by now but says no more therapy for her. Therapy was from agest 6-14. Did a bout in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in high school. Never really worked the program -- got by with extreme manipulation. History of running away, stealing. No drugs or promiscuity. Dropped out of high school soon as she turned 18.

    Anyway, recent events. She has tried living on her own three times. The first time, it was two gay guys and another girl. Her roommates kicked her out after all of them lost their jobs. No drugs, but lots of drinking. I sent them the money she owed them, paid for her plane ticket home, bought her a new wardrobe, paid for late fees on checkig account (over $200!). Time two was a couple, another guy, her and her so-called boyfriend. A bit of drinking, some pot use. They slept on the futon in the living room. Again, she was kicked out when she broke up with the boy friend. Again, they all lost their jobs. This one only cost me about $800 for rent, lost phone, etc. Now we are on time three.

    At first, she was living in a 2-bedroom apartment with two brothers, their mother, an infant whose mother gets weekend furloughs from the county jail. I think the mother was the boys' sister. One of the brothers also had a wife in prison. Never met the family but certainly sounds seriously dysfunctional. Unknown if drugs or alcohol were used while there but don't think so.

    She came back to the house to watch it for me while I took a month-long business trip. During her trip back home, she took my car and wrecked it. She knew she was not to drive it and had always respected that rule previously -- she is specifically excluded from the insurance policy. Damage to my car is $8,000; damage to other car $3,700. Again, she lost her job.

    I basically told her I didn't want her coming back home but we would talk about it when I got back. Just tired of the games and the manipulation. Thought maybe it was time for her to get a real dose of reality. Two days after that phone conversation, she told me she was moving her stuff out. Of course, "her stuff" was hers and much of mine. According to her, things will work out this time because the place she is living in now has "all adults, no kids". A married couple with a 2 year old; a former female co-worker who is 26 and possibly one or two others and four cats, including hers. :hammer: She was never quite clear about exactly how many staying. Maybe it changes from night to night? Have no clue if drugs or alcohol are being used but I'll assume they are.

    Anyway, she picked me up at the airport on Wednesday looking a mess -- in pajamas, hair basically uncombed, gained about 10 pounds. We talked about getting together on Friday because we'd missed Mother's Day and discuss various issues. She said she would be over Thuyrsday to help clean the house. Never showed up. Everything seemed to be more or less okay. Thursday came and went without her coming by (not that I expected her to). Friday came, nothing. I called and left a message on her phone that we needed to get together to talk to the woman's insurance co. Nothing.

    Okay, I understand the passive-aggressive game. I don't like it but I can cope with it.

    Now is where I need help and where the tears have started and can't seem to stop. I started cleaning house on Thursday. She had totally trashed it. Kitchen alone took me 5 hours. Friday, I did bathrooms :eek: and living room. So far, had found no surprises. Saturday was the den. It had a great a surprise! An empty box for an at-home pregnancy test. :crying: :crying:

    Have been trying to reach her ever since without letting her know how frantic I am. She has turned her phone off and I have no way to reach her. :sad:

    I'm actually thinking of going to her former employer (Wally's World) and asking for the other girl who supposedly still works there. Of course, I have no idea what this girl/woman looks like and only her first name. This could be fun!

    The other alternative is to report her as a missing person to the police but I doubt they would be overly concerned.

    If she's pregnant, I want to know and at least make sure she is getting neonatal care and the like and see how I can help. If she'll let me. She did tell me on the phone while I was away that she wanted to prove to me that she was mature and could make responsible decisions. :rofl:

    So, not sure what I'm asking for. Some hand holding? Some advice about coping while going crazy with worry? Detachment 101 lessons? I don't know. I just know I can't keep sitting here and crying. Makes it rather difficult to try to work or think or ..............
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hand holding here while also whispering in yor ear to stop paying for her mistakes, hon. she is let go let go let go.
    if she is preg she will be able to get seom free assistance...IF she wants it.

    my son is 23 and I want to help him move out of danger city and he will not listen at all. hence he has lived in many a situation such as you describe. I will not pay his fines, his damages or slop up his messes financially.

    it is hard but your child is not a child anymore and you cannot control her.

    I am not at home or I would give you some detachment websites. one is coping.org I think.

    crying is normal. last night I awoke at 3 am and was up til 5AM . I threw my son out two months ago but I cannot shut off my subconscience mind from worry. it wakes me up. tonight I will sleep. a glass of wine, a hot bath. take care of you.
    when you have time try to borrow these books at the library:
    codependent no more by melody beattie
    boundaries by townsend and cloud
     
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome to the board. Warm hugs and many prayers.

    Detatchment 101:

    God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things we cannot change
    (our grown children)
    The courage to change the things we can
    (our reaction to our grown children)
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    You only found the box for the test. You have no idea what the results were. It is unfortunate that she is not reachable at this point. This means she does not wish to be reached. She will call you when she is ready to talk.

    You need to learn to be supportive to her when she needs it without bailing her out every time she needs money. If you do, she will continue to do it. She needs to learn some responsibility.

    This is tough to hear. I just went through it with my older daughter. It is painful to send your child out to sink or swim. But tough love is still love. One day she will be ever so thankful to you for it.

    Keep posting here with concerns or problems. You have found a wonderful, safe place to rest your weary head. Again, welcome.
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Aw sweetie, I understand your worry. I've went thru pregnancy with 2 difficult child girls. :faint:

    Detachment 101 is NOT easy. Not til you get the hang of it.

    You've bailed difficult child out of 2 really big messes already. Your gut is probably telling you she's headed for mess #3 in addition to maybe being pregnant.

    If you keep bailing difficult child out, she learns nothing except that you'll come to her rescue each and every time. Good for her, lousy for you. difficult child needs a good dose of natural concequences.

    I understand you're worried for the potential baby. Believe me, been there done that. Not fun. But this is difficult child's child, her responsibility. She's 20, not 16. There is plenty of help out there for her if she wants to make use of it.

    And you could be getting yourself all worked up over nothing. Could be the test was neg and is why she didn't bother mentioning it.

    Take deep breaths. One step at a time. No sense in worrying over a baby til you know there is a baby to worry about.

    Honestly, difficult child's passive aggressive deal can give you time to think and get a plan together for when you do talk/see her again. While making the plan try not to just think of the near future.

    What are the things you're wanting to help difficult child with? In the long run is it really going to Help her or just make it easier for her to continue with her current irresponsible behavior? Just how much help are you honestly willing to give/able to give/would difficult child accept? Will it truely be beneficial to difficult child, or just make you feel better?

    When I get the urge to "help" my kids (now all adults) I stop and ask myself these types of questions. I don't want to still be picking up after them when they're 40. I remind myself that the biggest part of my job is to make sure they become productive and functioning members of society. (or as close to it as is possible) Usually after I've thought it thru, I don't do much of what my gut reaction would've been.

    Hugs
     
  5. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    Keep posting. The people here have been wonderful for me. When I first posted I could barely get dressed during the day. Just knowing I wasn't alone and had people to talk to has made a tremendous difference in my life. I too had the lovely surprise when my daughter (18) disappeared to find not 1, not 2, but 3 used pregnancy tests in her room. I know she is actively trying to get pregnant. She isn't in a state to take care of herself let alone a baby. I'm learning to concentrate on what I can do and not what I can't. You're not alone, come back often.
     
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Step away from the phone. Do not call her. She will call you just as soon as things go south. They will continue to go south frequently if you keep accepting the calls. Its time for some tough love. She needs to grow up---especially if she is playing grown up games---drinking, drugging,unprotected sex!!! Memorize the serenity prayer. Say it everytime you think of her---it may be every five minutes at first, but you will get better. God bless you on your journey on the road of detachment---it's not fun--but life is better when you get to the end!
     
  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    You have received some good advice....the path is not an easy one, but learning to detach will give YOU some peace. Try to let her handle her own life, she may fall, but she may learn too.

    Wishing you peace for YOUR life....
     
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Actually, I have no intention of bailing her out of any jams this time around but I need to talk to her about the accident. I've already told the insurance company that she took car without my permission. They are insisting I press charges against her or they'll hold me responsible for the damages and my insurance company has already denied coverage. She needs to call the company and make some sort of arrangement because I will not pay for this damage. Bad enough I have to pay for the damage to my car.

    The other things I absolutely have to talk to her about is to get back my possessions that she took. She either returns them or I will be calling the police and pressing theft charges. She took mattress, lamp, tv from her room, dresser from my room, miscellaneous furniture from various parts of house and half the kitchen stuff including my Cuisinart! Amazingly, she didn't take any cash or jewelry.

    However, if she is pregnant, I do want to help her. She may be 20 but she's an incredibly immature 20. At least point her in the direction of where to go for help for medical and other assistance. If she's not, I'd like to see if I can get her to sign up for Job Corps. It's probably the only chance she has for any type of future at this point. Shame that she threw away all of her dreams for the easy way out and to impress her "friends." :crying:
     
  9. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Okay, why do you have to pay for the damage to your car? That should be on her. She wrecked it, not you. If you pay for it, that is a form of bailing her out.

    She is avoiding your calls. It is extremely possible that she knows her :censored2: is in trouble and she does not want to face the music. You may just have to call the police. I went through the same thing with my daughter, she took my mom's car (not mine, my MOM's) and banged it up in the middle of the night. She didn't even have a license yet! This was the final straw; we called the cops and let them handle it.

    It is extremely difficult to detatch. You need to start. I understand your concerns if she is pregnant, but right now, you don't even know if she is. Don't worry about it right now. That is just borrowing trouble. There are countless programs out there for pregnant young women. If she needs them, you can help her find them. In the meantime, you have more pressing matters to attend to. And you need to worry about you, your car, your belongings, your insurance rates, and your sanity.

    Hugs and prayers.
     
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I have to pay for my car cause she doesn't have the money -- approximately $5,000 of damage and I want my car! It's my baby. I saved for 6 years to buy it. It was the only thing I had that she hadn't damaged. Quite honestly, I'm not sure I can ever forgive her for this one.

    Even so, she is my daughter and I do love her. She has a chance of me not pressing charges if she will talk to the insurance company and work something out and if she returns everything she did not personally own. Of course, there is the question of how does she pay for anything with no job? But that's her problem. See, I do get the concept but the follow through is tough.
     
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yes. The follow through is very tough.

    Parenting a difficult child is not for the faint of heart. But you are in a good place here, with lots of warrior moms that have lots of wisdom and experience. You have our support. :warrior:

    Do something for yourself (bubblebath, good book, buy yourself some flowers) and relax a little tomorrow if you can. It is important to take care of yourself. :flower:
     
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im going to chime in here because I probably understand how hard this is but with your daughters diagnosis's...unless you do press charges and let her sink or swim on her own...nothing else is going to get her attention.

    I have the male version of your daughter. When a child has ODD,and CD as a teen it turns into most probably antisocial personality disorder as an adult. They have little regard for what they do to the rest of us. Its all about them. I also tried to help my son over and over again and it got me no where. I have come to the realization that nothing I can do is going to make him change. I have to keep my values and morals high and if he does something wrong, report him. Im not bailing him out anymore. I just made the mistake of doing just that because he conned me royally but it will never happen again. Right now Im sitting here pretty darn sure he has probably been picked up again because no one has seen him in almost 20 hours which is extremely odd for him. If he is in jail, he wont be getting any visits from momma this time.

    You may be thinking it is easier to detach from a boy than a girl but he has a baby already who is my heart. With him gone I worry about how much we will see her. It is very hard to do this when you have a grandchild in the mix.
     
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    The follow thru is the toughest part, you're right.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> She has a chance of me not pressing charges if she will talk to the insurance company and work something out and if she returns everything she did not personally own.</div></div>

    I don't see anything wrong with this solution. difficult child is still facing "natural concequences" and you're getting your things returned to you. Will the insurance co be patient til you can talk to difficult child? If you repair your car would she pay you back? Or is that an issue for you?

    I understand about the car. I waited many many years before I had one of my own. So what do I do but let difficult child N take driving lessons in it. :surprise: Good for me that so far it appears she'll be a good driver. (I have the only car she can learn to drive in)

    Hugs
     
  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You may be thinking it is easier to detach from a boy than a girl but he has a baby already who is my heart. With him gone I worry about how much we will see her. It is very hard to do this when you have a grandchild in the mix.
     
  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

     
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know. I look back at baby pictures of that little curly headed boy and would never have dreamed I would have ever had to call the cops on him. I would have never dreamed I would have had an armed stand off in my front yard. I would have never dreamed he would have lied, stolen from us, abused our trust, become a common thief, that I would have visited him in jail. That was so not the life I envisioned for him when I held him in my arms in the hospital for the first time.

    But that is the life he has chosen for himself. I have fought hard and long to keep him from turning down this path. I have thrown up every obstacle I could find to block him from it but he jumped them and kept on that path. Now I have to sit back and see if he can get tired of living that life and make changes on his own time. Maybe he will. Maybe he wont.
     
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: meowbunny</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    So, not sure what I'm asking for. Some hand holding? Some advice about coping while going crazy with worry? Detachment 101 lessons? I don't know. I just know I can't keep sitting here and crying. Makes it rather difficult to try to work or think or .............. </div></div>

    Well you have come to the right place for all of the above. Welcome to our club!! It may not be quite as exciting as some of the clubs you would like to join, but we do have some fun here, and most of all we are here for each other through EVERYTHING!!

    I see someone already recommended the serenity prayer. That is usually where I start anytime I'm having a bad day.
     
  18. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    so you cannot control her at all. but you can make choices and control your own reactions.
     
  19. STILLjustamom

    STILLjustamom New Member

    There is a good book called "When Our Grown Children Dissapoint Us" or something to that effect. It is a good read.
    Welcome aboard.
     
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