new to all this

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by kitty9259, Jul 18, 2007.

  1. kitty9259

    kitty9259 New Member

    I'm new to this site desperately seeking any answers or insite. My son is 20, 1st diagnosed ADD when 12. In past 2-3 years- chronic problems with lieing ,stealing, keeping jobs, talking disrespectfully,failing and being thrown out of school etc. Had him hospitalized in pyhchiatric hospital, 5 weeks ago for 1 week(crappy insurance), he can out with diagnosis of personality disorder, bipolar(more manic)and agression disorder...perscribed depacote.He was home 2 days and we got in an argument and he left. He's at a friends house...the family he is staying with refuses to return my phone calls, he refuses to return my phone calls( He has told some whoppers of lies about me so I'm assuming they think I threw him out, or worse)How can I help him now?? I am in a state of panic and worry, the hospital and doctor's said he needs to be monitored...I don't know what to do, this is all so new and he is out there in a house where no one has his best intrests at heart,
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    you cant help an adult if he wont let you.
    sad though because you are his mom and want to help.

    for now your hands are tied. if he doesnt take his medications the family will catch on.
     
  3. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot, you might want to check out the other forums that deal with adult children, you might get more replies that understand what you are going through. My difficult child isn't an adult yet but i am learning the problems don't stop at eighteen..so sorry. I will pray he is safe and gets the stablity he needs.
     
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome Kitty,

    Sorry but I have to agree with Ant's mom. Once a kid is an adult, there is little you can do but pray. This prayer is one that helps me:

    God, grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change
    the courage to change the things I can
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The only thing any person has control over is themselves. I will keep you and your child in my prayers.
     
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kitty, I can move this to the 'Parent Emeritus' forum where there is support for parents with adult difficult children that are out of the house.

    Just PM me or report the post and a moderator will be able to move it.

    At 20 there really is not much you can do for your son. He needs to get help and maybe eventually this family will help him. He will eventually show his true colors and probably tell lies about them, too. These things typically come full circle.

    It is time for detachment 101.
     
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Can't add to the above, but wanted to welcome you to the site.
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry you are going through this.

    My son is in the hospital right now and we have been told that I will have to be his guardian when he comes home and monitor him too. Oh I am looking so forward to that fun job!!! My son thinks it is the next best thing to sliced bread because it means he gets to come home. Mommy has to take care of him again. Arghhhh!

    Mine also has a personality disorder, bipolar disorder but Im unsure what you mean by aggression disorder. With the recent suicide attempt mine made we may be looking to re-evaluate the actual type of personality disorder mine has to being Personality Disorder not otherwise specified with traits of Antisocial and traits of Borderline rather than just straight Antisocial Personality Disorder.
     
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Hi, kitty. Nothing new to add...just wanted to add my welcome. I agree with the others. As heart wrenching as it must be, once they become legal adults your hands are tied.
     
  9. judi

    judi Active Member

    Hi Kitty - Welcome! I'm so sorry for your sadness and frustration dealing with your son. My son too is an adult (22). It is sad, but the fact is that once they are adults, unless they want the help, nothing can be done. Please get some serenity into YOUR life.
     
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I have a 19 year old that has been in and out of my house for various reasons (psychiatric hospital, jail, with druggie friends) since the age of 15. He is home again, with a lot of detachment on my end. He has to learn to live life on his own terms and I have to come to terms with the fact that no amount of love will change who he is as a person. I have to let him make his own choice even if I don't believe they are good ones. We have two rules now: no drugs in my house and no violence. I supply a roof, one meal a day, and a ride to work (since he lost his license for 90 days). It's hard to watch him flounder and get left behind, but after 4 years of fighting to get him help, I recognized that he has to help himself.
     
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Kitty

    I wanted to add my warm welcome.

    Hugs
     
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Sending a warm welcome also. Not much to add to what the others have told you. It's a tough situation and I'm sure not what you wanted to hear. Most of us here have been there done that, so we know what we are talking about even though it's so difficult.
     
  13. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Can't add any new advice, would just suggest you re-read the previous posts and try the detaching idea...it is NOT easy, but maybe you can find some peace for yourself....welcome and sorry you have to be here.....
     
  14. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Hi Kitty and welcome. I too think you have been given the right advice already. Your son is 20, there isnt much you can do now for him except to pray for him and take care of yourself. One mistake I made was to put all my energy into worrying about my son and when it came down to it I wasted all that time because he did what he wanted when he wanted anyway.
    Your son is being disrespectful to you, and that should not be accepted. Put your foot down and get a plan.

    While he is out of your house and staying somewhere take this time to come up with how your going to approach him when he comes crawling back because this family has figured out that he is full of it. He needs to take responsibility for his own monitoring of medications etc... NOT YOU. I know it seems like he is in no position to take care of himself but believe me and I am sure everyone here will agree that he will figure it out, they always do. When he is ready to abide by your rules and whatever plan you set forth for your family then he deserves your worry and care.

    Good luch
    Grace
     
  15. kitty9259

    kitty9259 New Member

    Thanks for all your well wishes and prayers. I'm having a rough day....I miss my difficult child. I tryed calling him at work yesterday and they put me on hold for 28 min. then hung up, I don't know if he was aware it was me and didn't pick up or if he thought I was a bill collector and did'nt pick up.I have gone over and over our life as a family. Why is it the mom always takes the blame? I put up with more in a week than most parents would put up with in a lifetime. I think about the million times that I tryed so hard to reach him, talking until the wee hours of the morning and knowing with great sadness that all the words and reason in the world were not going to get through to him, that the next day would be no better than the last....I regret yelling and losing my temper. I regret so much, most of all my inability to help this child that I loved from the moment of conception. I wonder how much he was responsible for being misdiagnosed, I know in my heart that he never wanted to fail in school, or lie or steal..I don't think anyone intentionally wants to screw up. He was always so lonely, so eager for friends and a girlfriend.So eager to be liked and never realizing he was most likable when he wasn't trying so hard.I look back and realized when he was in 7nd grade that this kid was lacking something basic...he didn't like anything or have a "passion" for anything...most kids that age start seperating and find a love for art or horses or music or books or something..not my difficult child, it was hard enough for him to just to get through a day. I guess I'm just having a sad day...I haven't seen him in a month and I miss him. I guess he's doing ok, or I would have heard from him. Right??
     
  16. Irene_J

    Irene_J New Member

    Kitty--it's not your fault! When my difficult child was at her worst, I kept combing my memory to find out how I messed up: was I too strict, not strict enough? Should I have paid for private schooling? Should I have stayed single? Don't drive yourself crazy. Your difficult child has choices; he's making the wrong ones.

    When my difficult child would run away or stay out for days, I would drive myself crazy. Was she dead? raped or beaten? lying by the highway? And of course, she was sleeping on someone's couch, eating junk food, having a good time. Not even thinking that at least she could call me and let me know she was still alive.

    I know it's hard, but you must step back. Our difficult children are usually 2-3 years behind emotionally, even though they may have attained adulthood.

    Do something to enhance your own life. Your difficult child may come around, mine did. But eventually, whether difficult child or easy child, we have to let go and let them lead their own lives.
     
Loading...