New to forum

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wemustbecrazy, Nov 8, 2007.

  1. wemustbecrazy

    wemustbecrazy New Member

    I recently joined this forum and this is my first post. I have read several posts and I am so glad I found this website. My husband and I are in the process of adopting three beautiful children and we are dealing with issues that we we are not totally prepared for. The most pressing concern at this time is our adopted son who has just been diagnosed with ADHD. He has been retained twice and has several behavioral issues that need to be addressed. The poor thing has fallen through the cracks in the foster care system and has never been offered help. My husband and I are working very hard with the school, DCF, counselors, and his doctor to get him on the right track. I am overwhelmed and would appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thanks.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome. Sorry you need us, glad you found us.

    If you want really specific advice on the education system and how to use it effectively, post over in the Special Education forum.

    I can only help in general terms here, because things are a bit different for us.

    Two bits of advice now -

    1) Keep a diary on him, write down any concerns plus the good stuff. Remember the things you will want to have later. I keep mine on the computer.

    2) Document EVERYTHING! When you communicate with the school, request stuff etc, do it in writing and keep a copy. If possible, give a copy to someone else associated with this at the school or education department. And if they do what they did to me - reply to my letter by ringing me up or talking to me in the corridor and NEVER replying in writing (because to do so would commit them to their action) then write a short note after your conversation, minuting what was said and including the wonderful phrase, "This is what I recall from our conversation on [date] about [the topic] in which you said you would [list what they promised to do, or recommended should happen]. If this is incorrect, please notify me in writing. If I do not hear from you in writing, I will assume my recollections are true and accurate. Thank you for your consideration in this."
    Always be polite, even when you're angry. But always put it in writing, so you can keep track of what has been said or done. Over the years it can get very confusing and you WILL find educators who think it's all a waste of time and they won't want to be bothered.

    Also, look up "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It really helped us. Keep an open mind about the diagnosis, be prepared to have him reassessed maybe by a neuropsychologist just to make sure noting else has been masked by this diagnosis. it happens.

    Welcome aboard! If you can get your husband here as well, he will find other fathers with similar issues.

  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Hello and welcome. :smile:
    I would make sure your new son receives a complete re-evaluation to be sure the diagnosis is correct. What sort of behaviors issues are you seeing?
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    have ALL the kids evaluated. Teh percentage of kids who are adopted that have been sexually abused is staggering. You may be in for a whole different ball game.

    Document everything and make sure the kids are not hurting each other behind your back. Install video cameras to ensure this.

    I am NOT joking. Several of our members have dealt with this.


  5. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hi wemustbecrazy

    Wanted to say hello and welcome. :smile:
  6. waytootired

    waytootired New Member

    Hi! I want to welcome you to the boards. I private messaged you, check your mail at the top of the page under "my stuff."

    Hugs! :smile:
  7. wemustbecrazy

    wemustbecrazy New Member

    Thanks so much for the responses. We are in the process of getting all three children evaluated. The symptoms we see in our son are that he has difficulty sitting still, he is always fidgeting, he is easily distracted, he interrupts conversations, he takes things that don't belong to him and then lies about it, he has a hard time following directions, he always is chewing on something or playing with something, he rolls around on the floor and furniture etc. I noticed that the fidgeting and rolling around is worse when the counselor or the social workers are around. I think it is an escape from dealing with them. We are looking into other diagnosis as well. We know that drugs and alcohol were part of the reason these children were removed from their parents. We don't know if they were used during pregnancy. It is so nice to know that I am not alone and that there are resources available. Thanks again.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'd re-evaluate him through a private neuropsychologist. We've dealt with the foster care system (and adopted a child) and a social worker told us in confidence that the kids are normally dxd. with ADHD because it's easier to find homes for them than if they have harsher sounding labels. Not helpful, in my opinion, but my little guy was ADHD too (only he's not--he's on the autism spectrum). Also, if the kids were exposed to alcohol in utero there is a good chance they are victims of fetal alcohol spectrum--which can mean the entire Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) to just minimal brain damage that impairs their ability to learn and to know right from wrong. They keep making the same bad choices because they really don't "get" cause and effect. I was also told that over 90% of all kids in foster care were sexually abused at some point in time, either in their biological home or in foster care. That STAGGERED me, but experienced adoptive parents tended to agree with her. And we had one seven year old who had been so severely sexually abused in his prior FOSTER home that he was seriously terrified of us. He never told on his foster mom either. He didn't believe anyone would believe him or help him. Urinating in the pants is a big red flag for sexual abuse as is either acting out sexually on others or accusing somebody falsely of abusing them (just for the record).
    There are also attachment issues sometimes. Have they been in many homes before yours? Have you had them long? Sounds like, for the most part, they are doing remarkably well, however they do have each other, and, if you just got them, could be the honeymoon...
  9. waytootired

    waytootired New Member

    I am with MidwestMom.....Getting a neuropsychologist Evaluation was the best thing we ever did for our son. We found that he had, more than likely, been misdiagnosed :nonono: all these years by his therapist and psychiatrist. It's defiantly worth the time and money!

    Hugs... :smile:
  10. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Hello and Welcome to this board. You will find lots of advice and understanding from the parents on this board. Also, since you are still in the adoption process, it would be very helpful if you found an adoption support group in your area. You can get a lot of answers about adoption issues from other members in the support group, plus help finding doctors or therapists who are experienced with adoption. You should be able to find a local support group if you ask your adoption agency, or any people in the foster care system.
    Good luck, and I wish you the best for your new family.