Newbie/old problems

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ramblinrose, May 17, 2012.

  1. ramblinrose

    ramblinrose New Member

    Hello, I stumbled on to this website out of desperation this morning. Thank you all for sharing! I didn't read too much before I called my husband and told him we need to evict our freeloaders. We are going to talk tonight and get our plan together so if anyone has suggestions before then.......I'm open to new ideas.

    Just a brief family outline.....

    Son 29 recovering drug user, divorced, back home after 1 year living on the streets. Works as much as he can but that's only 1 or 2 days a week. Then uses all of that money to buy beer and go out to eat. Has his girlfriend (the most normal of all of them) living with us too.

    Daughter 26 might be off drugs at the moment but still have my doubts. Not sure if she is employable due to stealing from a former employer. Has not worked in a year and a half and is mean, dirty, lazy and feels we owe her. Has her homeless boyfriend living with us half the time.

    We have been married 33 years. My husband works hard and all the time just so we can get by. EVERY time we have an extra $20 someone cons it out of us. My sons girlfriend is the only one with a drivers licence and a car. So every time they apply for a job or do anything I am the one that has to drive them. This has been going on for more than 10 years. Every time I think we make a few steps forward something else happens and we keep ending up in the same place.

    We know we can't keep living like this. It's not acceptable for us to live with the arguments, filth and disrespect, cost, depression, lies and stealing. I feel awful to say it but I don't even like my kids anymore.

    Just off the top of my head I want to give them till June 10th to move out. I will pay for a storage unit to put their things in if I need to.
     
  2. Ramblin - I'm so sorry that you have to be here. I'm pretty new to this site too. I have to tell you that the people here are absolutely fabulous and will have lots of wonderful words and advice for you.

    I would say that the first thing you need to do is look into the eviction laws for your area and then act on them asap.

    If your son is still drinking he isn't really 'recovering', is he? He may just be trading one addiction for another one. And it seems that they are all disrespectful to you in your own home, especially if they are stealing from you.

    You have the right to run your home as you choose and if that doesn't involve them living there then they need to find their own homes and start living their own lives. You have done your job.

    Something that my counsellor said to me was that we should approach our difficult child and say "We know that you're very capable of handling this and we believe that you can." That puts things in a more positive light and allows you to evict them without coming across as angry or mean (which you aren't - but they might see it that way).

    And I would not pay for a storage unit for them - they will figure it out. If you start paying for thing once they are gone they will continue to come to you for hand outs for other things as well - don't set that pattern right out of the gate.

    I wish you well. I'm sure that others here will have more/better advice than I do, but it's a start.
     
  3. ramblinrose

    ramblinrose New Member

    Thank you so much for your reply. I like the suggestion your counsellor gave you. I have always had trouble separating myself from their problems. In the past I have always tried to find the solution and help them. Now I am trying to remember to say "oh my gosh......what are you going to do"?

    The only reason I am willing to pay for storage (if I can put it in their names) is to clear out the house. I want my space back. If they choose not to pay the bill later and loose their things that's on them not me. I must sound hard and mean but the truth is I/We are total pushovers or we wouldn't be in this situation.
     
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    Welcome!

    Yes, check into eviction laws and start issuing whatever notices need to be issued. The good news is that the 4 of them can all move in together.

    In the meantime, you do not *have* to give anyone a ride anywhere. You feel you do because it's a displaced sense of parental obligation. Reality is that these ppl are all adults and need to start figuring these things out for themselves. I did live back home with my Dad for a while (early 20's) but NEVER did I ask him to drive me anywhere he wasn't already going - ie family, social functions.

    Find your inner strength and DO NOT LET ANY ONE OF THEM TAKE MONEY FROM YOU EVER AGAIN. That is YOUR money. don't give any one of them a single penny from this moment on. Sorry, I'm coming off a bit strong, but they should be paying you rent. Are they at least helping out with household chores and yardwork? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

    Not any more. You are taking steps to kick your little birdies out of the nest. Time to don your :warriorsmiley::warrior: (warrior armor) and go to battle with these childish adults.
     
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Hi, sorry I don't have good advice. I just wanted to say welcome.

    If you also post in the parent emeritus forum you'll get more responses from people who have adult children. The people in this forum are awesome too.
     
  6. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I guess I don't understand why she even needs to check out eviction laws. Her kids are living off her and have invited their friends to do the same. It is your house Ramblin and unless they are paying you rent, you can kick them all out without any notice at all. I think 3 weeks is more than generous given the circumstances. They are all adults and you're liability to your kids is done and you owe them nothing. There is no reason why you and husband have to continue to "pay" for their poor choices. It's time for you to have YOUR life. Your "job" is done.
     
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    TeDo, that's why she has to check eviction laws. They've established residence, some places it's called "squatter's rights" and you have to go through proper eviction channels. She could just tell them to leave, but if they refuse she has no recourse. If she follows eviction procedures - sending proper written notice, etc, - if they don't leave on their own she can get the Sheriff to come and forcibly remove them.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would post on Parent Emeritus. All of us have kids who are now adults on that forum.

    Sorry you have to be here, but welcome!
     
  9. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Keista, then I'm glad we don't have such ridiculous things here. We can kick our kids(and anyone else living in OUR home with us) out any time we want as long as they are at least 18 years old.
     
  10. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    The only way my mom got my sister out of the house was to move in with her boyfriend (now husband) and she sold her house. She wanted to do that anyway, but she kept the house for too long because she was enabling my sister and didn't want to see her on the street. My sister is an addict, has a husband addict, used after having kids, won't get a job, etc. They lived out of the car for a while, sort of used a storage unit during the day as a place to go to. Eventually got a free camper and stayed in a few campgrounds for the max amount she could stay. Eventually figured out how to get a house with some friends, while living off welfare, in a really yucky location. I suspect my sister is a difficult child, but has never been diagnosis'd with anything. No amount of threatening did squat to get her butt in gear and out of the house.

    Check those eviction laws and put down your foot as hard as it is. It'll break your heart to do so, but it's for their own good. I'd start with your daughter. Maybe your son would see that and figure out he's next. With the divorce and at least part time work, I'd probably give him a warning.
     
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