Note to self - don't ask questions

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by slsh, Oct 2, 2008.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    It's stunning how quickly I can get sucked into the pit that is my beloved son's life. Who knew "how are you" could be such a loaded question. He'd called earlier this week and left a msg he is coming home this weekend so I called to confirm. Stupid stupid stupid me.

    He's high and has the munchies, for the record. I bit my tongue and didn't lecture. And he doesn't know if he's coming home because some friends of his (17 y/o girl with 3 month old baby and her 20 y/o boyfriend - not baby daddy) are thinking about renting a hotel room and if they do, thank you's invited, meaning he'll go AWOL. That's just too big an entry for me to resist - bad idea, thank you, really bad idea.

    In the space of maybe 45 seconds I have entered a whole new circle of Hades. What the heck am I supposed to do with this information? Why the *heck* does he tell me this junk? Honestly, I feel ill - literally nauseated. :ill:

    I guess The Fates decided I'd had enough because we got disconnected and now when I call TLP all is get is the fax tone.

    It's pointless even to notify TLP because they won't bust him for being under the influence, and they will not try to keep him from going AWOL. been there done that a couple weeks ago. They will simply call me to inform me he's leaving and they they'll file a missing person's report, which they will cancel when he comes back.

    This kid is a disaster waiting to happen and I feel completely powerless to do a darn thing about it.

    Good heavens..... now I have to come up with a whole new set of "safe" questions. Suggestions would be welcome, 'cuz all I can come up with is "how's the weather".

    Or maybe I'll just start talking to myself.:puppet:
  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Wow Mom, it was really nasty out today. Me and my friend Bud had to stay inside all day because it was so cold. That made it really hard to find a place to toke.....I mean, to talk. And everytime we opened a window this stupid alarm kept going off. We only wanted the window open for some fresh air cause it was so in that bathroom. But after we ripped the alarm out of the wall (and there was only a small hole, don't worry. We fixed it with some paper towels and duct tape) it quit going off. Not that it was a big deal cause none of the staff came to check it out. Anyway, after we, uh, talked for awhile, ol' Bud and I were really hungry, you know? So we took off (just for a little bit) to go to Taco Bell. But while were out, we ran into this friend of Buds. He had this really sick car so we went for a ride. We were only going to be gone a little bit but he had to go past his baby momma's house. By the way, what's an order of protection? That's what the cop was talking to this guy about after they showed up and pulled the guy out of the house. Oh, and I don't know why people say that police dogs are mean. The one the cops had kept sniffing us and barking and wagging his tail while he sat at our feet. Oh, that reminds me. When I come for a visit the next time, do you mind if I bring a friend? That guys baby momma and I got to talking and we're going to go out the next time she can get a sitter for her 5 kids. She's really hot Mom even if she is 6 1/2 months pregnant. You can hardly tell! And that guy won't mind because I think he's going to be in jail or something....I'm not sure. So then................

    I think you should nix even simple question like the weather. You never know how they will go. :hammer:

    (Hope that made you at least giggle a little)
  3. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry. I know all too well what you are going through. My difficult child had 13 AWOLS in 3 months in her first Residential Treatment Center (RTC). They did nothing to find her. I know the worry, it stinks.

    It is so utterly frustrating to have to sit back and watch your child self destruct. I am in the same boat. I am SLOWLY learning to detach. It is very hard. I do get great advice and strength from my friends here. The support I get from the wonderful people on this board empower me.

    You sound a lot stronger than me at this point. I envy your ability to not engage. I am now working on that. "Hows the weather?" does sound pretty safe to me, however if your difficult child is anything like mine he will try to find a way to work off that innocent question. These kids should put their genius to good use.

    Hang in there. :)
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awww Sue,
    Geez, just what I'm sure you needed tonight. Wish I had some good advice but am sending hugs your way.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    MUSTANG!!!!! You didn't tell me you knew my kid!!! :rofl: My goodness, woman - you have it *down*, including the alarm (how did you know about that????). Too funny and too true, unfortunately. I'm gonna' print that out and hang it next to the phone, under my cues from the PE folks on how not to engage and right next to the adult mental health services and homeless shelters in Chicago.

    Bran - it's taken me years to realize that engaging thank you only gets me closer to the grave. ;) I have a really hard time with the AWOL stuff because I can't control it, thank you has got zilch street smarts but *thinks* he knows it all, and because I'm pretty sure he's heading into some rougher parts of town (which are pretty doggone rough). As irate as I am with staff, I have to say that while I would at least make an effort to stop him if he were living at home, bottom line is this kid is 6'3", 200 pounds, and nothing is going to stop him, not even one very ticked off mom. And you are so right - I've been telling thank you for years that if he would spend just an iota of all this energy he spends on making bad choices, on making halfway decent choice, he would conquer the world. I can only pray that someday our kids wake up and quit fighting everything so hard.
  6. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Good guess or wishfull thinking on my part for somewhere to send difficult child when he was younger.

    Glad you got a snort or two out of it!
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhhh, Sue, I am so sorry. I'd be thinking about making a date with the weatherman.
    Or something.
    Wish I could help.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'd be sorely tempted to call the TLD and tell them that you are not available for a visit this weekend. Not on him, on you. If you're not home, he has no reason to have a pass.

    Sorry he's being such an idiot. You did well.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sue, it occurs to me, that you have very little control over thank you's choices ~ it's been a long time since he took you or husband's opinions into consideration. He certainly knows how to take a year or two off your aching heart.

    I say, you see thank you's number or a strange number on the caller ID you don't pick up. Have husband deal with all other calls from thank you for the near future. Take the wind out his sails.

    As to his weekend plans, what's going to happen is what's going to happen . You know this; it's nothing new.

    Yup, I think you should start talking to yourself; better yet talk to Boo - it amuses him so.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sue, just talk. No questions. Monopolize the conversation. Tell him it is nice to hear his voice and you want to tell him all about what has been going on there. Tell him all the random antics with Diva, Wee & Boo that went on that week and as you start to run out of things to say, be sure to have an end to the conversation so he can not get in a word.

    He will either get tired of calling you and ask why you never let him get a word in. If he asks that just tell him his words stress you out and you are not willing to go there anymore.

  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm with BW. Don't ask questions. I learned that one a long time ago. I let mine talk, ramble even, but I don't ask. If I want to know something, I make statements: "I went by your work to give you X but your co-workers said you weren't working." Turns out she had a cold on that day and was home sick. Had I asked, I would either have been accused of checking up on her (I was) or gotten a song and dance with little truth in it.

    At least when mine was at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC), she was so far up the mountain, it was almost impossible to get down and away, even though she did try a couple of times (once causing search and rescue to go out and look for her at the cost of $18,000). As you said, thank you can't be stopped, so he's going to have to learn the hard way. Let's just hope it doesn't cost him too much to learn his lesson.

    I'm sorry he's being such an idjit.
  12. judi

    judi Active Member

    Sue - so sorry for this further upset for you.