numb to feeling my dad's death?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Apr 27, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I feel so weird, because I don't have that many feelings right now about my dad's death. With H. I was crying forever.

    I know it is different because I knew my Dad's was coming and I was emotionally prepared, but still you would think I would feel really sad or something. I just kind of feel - well - nothing?

    We held the memorial 2 weeks after his death in Dallas. So I flew from Oregon back to Arizona for 2 weeks, and at that time I was pretty emotional. Then I flew to the memorial in Dallas. I had written a poem for the memorial, and I felt really good about how that was received, but I did not have many tears.

    Then I stayed 2 more weeks to help my Mom clean out my entire childhood home. My Mom is REALLY good at always staying emotionally in check, to the point of severe denial at times. So I sort of mirrored that as we cleaned out the entire 3k foot house. Room by room, closet by closet I just put up steel walls and pretended as if it was a job.

    There were a few times I really got emotionally charged, but those all had to do with unearthing things of H.'s, not my Dad's. Now granted, my Dad was not an emotional person, and as you know there was some abuse - however - I still love/loved him and he was always there for me. He was always there whenever I needed him.

    My Mom and I had some amazing bonding time in all of this which was really neat. And I had some wonderful time with my cousins, some of whom I had not seen in a decade. And some friends I had not seen in 20 years came to my Dad's memorial, which was really neat. So there many positives in this 2 week period.

    Regardless, I feel like I really shoved down some serious manure as I was cleaning, packing, and storing all of these objects of my youth, and my Mom's and Dad's youth. It was intense to say the least.

    So now I am back home and I just feel so normal. I don't know. I feel like I should be grieving, but I am not really. Yet I feel like if I started to cry, I might not stop, and that scares me, so I keep pushing it down. It is a weird feeling. Kinda of like a yin yang of the spirit. My spirit does not know which direction to go.

    I find myself missing my Mom more than I miss my Dad. She is all I have left of my little nuclear family - and I want to be closer in proximity to her - whereas before it did not bother me in the least that I lived 1K miles away from my parents.

    Anyway, thanks for listening. I am sure this is somewhat normal - but I really feel like my feeling are smooshed up somewhere hiding, and I don't like that feeling - because they may come out at any inopportune moment and say BOO.
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    {{hug}}

    Sometimes grief hits early. Sometimes, it waits - and pops up when you least expect it. Either way is "normal".
     
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    it's totally normal, i felt same following my dad's passing. i wasn't there for it, long long sick story lol. point is your probably missing your mom because as you said you had some serious bonding time with her and found something again in that relationship. so something good has come of it thats' great! build on that now with your mom! seriously......

    and don't feel guilty sad truth is life does go on. it has to its how it's made to go round and round. im a big believer in the afterlife of some sort....... i dont' know what i'd like to think a white beach with pretty drinks and straws yet it couldnt' be that simplistic lol. point is i look at it as a crossing over thing.

    a friend of mine passed away about 6 mos ago i'd known her since difficult child was a difficult child...... since easy child was little. she was a family friend we all befriended her my parents etc. she passed due to a sudden heart attack while away on vacation at the age of 49. point is she just crossed over earlier.

    it's normal... be happy for the peace now and newfound thing with your mom!!!

    ((Hugs))
     
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    My Mom's death didn't really sink in until months later, and it still hits me sometimes now. I was always a Daddy's girl, though, and I know when that time comes I will be devastated. I get it, hon. And you're not crazy or insensitive or anything like that. You're human. *HUGS*
     
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    It's very normal and probably very healthy. You've had a terrible time of it over the last few years and this could be your psyche's way of slowly accepting your loss. I hope you are able to pursue a closer relationship with your Mom; I want you to be happy again. {{{Hugs}}}
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Steely, as you now, my dad died too. I got through the wake with few tears, got thru the funeral with no tears and held up well as I greeted everyone and thanked them for coming. That was in early December. I made it all the way through Christmas and past my birthday in January before I really started to feel things. By march when his birthday...and my mom's birthday...came around, I was a basket case. Basically I spent the first week of March in bed. My dad was born 3/3 and my mom was born 3/4 and they are both dead now and I am now an orphan. That time really crying and mourning both of them did seem to help me some.

    I am still horribly upset that my dad died, dont get me wrong but I can think about...ok...no I cant...was going to say I can think about him without tearing up but I am tearing up...lol. Mothers day is around the corner and he always always always sent me the most beautiful cards telling me what a wonderful daughter and mother I was and how proud of me he was. I am so sad that I will never get another card so I have made plans for this Mothers day so I wont sit there and dwell on that. Im hoping it will get easier with time. Sigh. Just typing this out has made me cry.
     
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Steely

    Normal.

    There was so much commotion around H's death, so many other endless things going on.........

    With your Dad you were somewhat prepared and ready. No one is truly ready, but you weren't taken by surprise. There was no outside stuff going on to muck up the waters. While it was a sad time, you still were able to spend some good quality time with your Mom and other family members. And lastly.....your relationship with your dad is not the same as the one you had with H.

    You will probably find times when it will sneak up on you. Like Janet's did typing this post. Also normal. You'll have a good cry, let yourself feel the emotions and then move on again until the next time. With time....that will happen less frequently.

    Easter I had tears burning in my eyes more than once. Easter is not my holiday. mother in law always made it special for the kids with her egg hunt and big dinner and them getting all dressed up. While we had our egg hunt and dinner I kept thinking of her. I believe she was still there with us.

    I've lost many people. I've found that like love, the grief is different with each one.

    (((hugs)))
     
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    When a family member dies suddenly, you get ambushed by grief. But when the death is expected and impending you begin to grieve early.

    My father was declining for several years, his death was expected. I was sad of course, but coped. However, it was a few years later when I had a dream about him. I got up and wrote it all down - it was a family gathering (possibly a wedding) and my father was there in the crowd. I went over to speak to him. In the dream he told me he had only turned up to talk to me about difficult child 3, to assure me that he would turn out alright, I was doing a good job. Now, he actually never knew difficult child 3 but the dream somehow assured me that he was looking after us all. I still cannot read what I wrote, without sobbing.

    Grief is a funny thing. Odd thing, then. Steely, just go with the flow.

    Marg
     
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