OMG ~ we've been played!

[Kathy813]

I was worried about difficult child because she called me sobbing today about how terrible the halfway house was and how depressed she was and made veiled threats about hurting herself. husband and I met her at the local grocery store to buy her cigarettes and food and she put on a great act of being scared and lost. She kept telling us that she was in a black hole and tired of waking up feeling so sad.

I was worried because I knew she had that bottle of benadryl so I took another poster's advice to call the halfway house to check on her. You will never believe what I was told . . .

The director listened to my concerns and then said that difficult child had come back there after her little act with me and gone out with a roommate. I explained my concern about the benadryl and he said, "Oh, that's why she slept the whole time she was here yesterday." Then he said, "You know that she is here as a renter, right?" I asked what he meant and he said that there were people that were there as part of the program where they had curfews, drug testing, and mandatory meetings and there were people there as just renters with no rules that just wanted to live in a sober environment.

I was floored. difficult child had told me that she was required to go to the meetings and had curfews and drug tests. The director said that he was under the understanding that she was going to be part of the program until she got there and said that she was just a renter. He also said that since I was paying that if I said that she had to be part of the program she would have to follow all of the program rules.

He asked for her phone number and was going to call her and tell her that and was going to drug test her when she returned.

Here I was feeling terrible that she was so sad and depressed and she was lying the whole time. The director told me how lucky she was that she had a car and someone paying for the rent and food since most people there had nothing.

When will I ever learn?? Now what do we do?

~Kathy

 

[HaoZi]

He also said that since I was paying that if I said that she had to be part of the program she would have to follow all of the program rules.

I guess that puts the ball in your court. She lied to you and took advantage, so you can cut her loose to hit bottom, require the program, or allow to keep taking advantage. Which answer does your Mommy gut say would be for the best?

 

[buddy]

I know nothing of this as usual.... but I am really sorry about that. How totally frustrating. So, are you going to demand that then??? that she participate or no rent? Very interesting. HUGS to you!

 

[witzend]

Kathy, I'm afraid that there is going to have to come a time, very soon, that you will cut her off. Is this it? Only you know. If not this, what?

{{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[Kathy813]

The director called me back and said difficult child was there and was in a meeting as we spoke. He drug tested her and she was clean and he told her that he knew she tried to pull one over on her parents and him and that she was now in the program with mandatory meetings, curfews, and drug testing.

He said that she just said okay. That's typical difficult child, though, she won't fight with him over it. She will save that for us. I asked him to make sure that difficult child knew this was it for her . . . if she gets kicked out of the halfway house now she will be on her own with no financial support. He said she is still talking about coming back "home" after a couple of months. I made it clear to him that our goal was that the halfway house provided a transition to independent living . . . not back to living with us. He said he understood and that would be their goal for difficult child.

So we'll see. I am turning my phone off for the night so I don't get any texts or calls from difficult child.

 

[Nancy]

OMG Kathy, she is a real manipulator. Are you sure she isn't related to my difficult child? I'm surprised they allow renters in that sober house but so glad they now have her "in" the program. And I'm also glad you called and got the straight story. It's true a lot of the residents are right out of jail but it's also true there but for the grace of god went them.

Your life is about as exciting as mine is. When I go to my hairdresser she can't wait to hear the latest story and I never disappoint her. I'm beginning to feel that way about you.

Nancy

 

[buddy]

good call turning the phone off. She has her chance, lets hope she uses it.

 

[AnnieO]

One can hope, right? There is always hope.

 

[Kathy813]

Your life is about as exciting as mine is. When I go to my hairdresser she can't wait to hear the latest story and I never disappoint her. I'm beginning to feel that way about you.

My hairdresser hears all of my stories, too! I'm glad that my life provides a little excitement for others.

 

[klmno]

Are you sure this is a legitimate sober house? I have never heard of one that takes in 'renters' that aren't following a program. Do they have a website, referrals, etc? Other than that- I ditto Witz. You can't make someone follow a treatment plan when recovery isn't their primary goal- ok, I guess you can cut them off financially, bribe them, etc, but it won't get you anywahere in the long run.

 

[Kathy813]

Yes, they have a website and are on the official list of halfway houses for people under court order (which difficult child is not).

 

[PatriotsGirl]

There are places in Florida that allow "renters" to be there...."people who need to get on their feet in a sober environment"......she seems a bit old to keep thinking she can go "home" in my opinion...

 

[Signorina]

O Kathy - I am so so sorry. We are always waiting for the other shoe to fall and then it starts raining shoes. Just how many feet/shoes do our kids have???

I am really glad the director stepped in and handled it. And I know your mind is reeling right now - but she is in a safe place with a roof over her head, with meetings available and help available. AND SHE IS CLEAN AND AT A MEETING. It's a start. She's not hitting the ground running, but sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk. (especially if you are out of shoes LOL) A bunch of decent steps forward - yes with a few steps back. But forward progress nonetheless.

The director sounds like he's been there done that and that's a plus too...

Glad your phone is off.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[Kathy813]

she seems a bit old to keep thinking she can go "home" in my opinion...

In my opinion, too!

 

[Nancy]

Most all of the sober houses here are on levels. The first level is most restrictive but then you move to the less restrictive part, but they all require meetings and curfews. Then when you graduate from that you move into a house with other sober people and you are more or less on your own. Of course that is way down the line, like a year or two after the sober house. They usually call the first level halfway and the next level three-quarters.

Nancy

 

[DammitJanet]

I actually snorted diet coke over how many shoes do these kids have!

Maybe they are related to Emelda Marcos...lol

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs))))

Sorry Kathy. I hope the halfway house makes a difference, but honestly it doesn't sound like she's quite ready yet.

 

[BusynMember]

Kathy, I will share some advice from my daughter, who was a bad drug addict once and is now twenty-seven and sober. "NEVER trust a drug addict. NEVER. They lie like they breathe."

My daughter used to be able to lie with the best of them, making me feel guilty, melting my heart. Until she is clean and sober and you are sure, as the song says "won't get fooled again." But don't feel bad about yourself either. Drug users are tip top manipulative. And they are good at it.

 

[elizabrary]

And remember the old joke- How can you tell when an addict's lying? Her lips are moving! Don't feel too bad I think we've all been played multiple times by our difficult children. That's how these kids survive. They are master manipulators. If she starts calling and whining to you just hang up on her. And stick to your bottom line- no financial support if she doesn't stick with the program and she can't move home. Last year after my daughter had run off to another state with a man she had met on the internet two weeks before she called and told me if I wanted her to come home for Christmas I needed to send her the money. I laughed my head off and hung up the phone. Then I returned every present I had gotten her and spent the money on my dogs!!! The crazy part was she thought that was a reasonable request. They really don't get it, so we have to be able to maintain our boundaries (very hard!). Hang in there, I know this is very difficult.

 

[rejectedmom]

Kathy, I'm sorry she still isn't ready to embrace sobriety and a sober future. She is still lying and manipulating and taking advantage of yor good heart. Honestly, I think itis time for you to decide what if anything you are going to do next. Personally I would be taking the car and the phone back. She isn't committed to the program and could sell them and use the money for whatever.