On pins and needles...authorities are closing in

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WearyMom18, Apr 17, 2015.

  1. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    I got a call from an investigator this morning needing any information I have about my Difficult Child'S whereabouts. He said he works for the insurance company that insured her bond and he is looking for her.

    I gave him everything I know and he already made some phone calls trying to pinpoint her location.

    I wasn't upset by the call, I found myself feeling very optimistic that maybe she will get picked up and start taking care of her responsibilities, even if it is by force.

    It feels so strange to jave to talk to police and bondsman and investigators, it scares me a little because I don't even have speeding tickets!

    Maybe it's exhaustion from this very busy week or maybe a combination of that and the ongoing stuff with my Difficult Child but I actually feel a little giddy about it all. Her choices and behavior and lifestyle are so ridiculous and dysfunctional that the tought of her being arrested and finally having to answer for her crimes is funny. It's a big 'I told you so!' moment for me. She has put me through absolute h-e-double l these past few years, I think it's high time she figure out that she can't get away with doing whatever the heck she wants to do!

    Tomorrow morning I might feel differently but for now I'm 100% ok with her going to jail and compared to where I was in the past, I think happy is a pretty darn good place to be.
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  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Wearymom:
    I understand that the investigator represents the insurance company and looking at it that way, it is about money. But looking at it another way the investigator represents order, accountability and containment, all things that you want for your daughter. While it may feel like "I told you so," I see you as standing for taking responsibility so that she may feel self-esteem and peace, and hopefully mature. And most of all, you want her safe, I think.

    I think you may be in a little bit of shock, don't you think? Is there somebody that can be there with you? Or gather Peewee and BB close to you on the bed. I would. Keep us posted, Wearymom. Hugs.
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In the end, you knew she'd get found. Think about how she will be safe now and maybe able to think without a fog of drugs in her head. She is still young. She has time to change. As awful as it is to have to go through this, perhaps it will help her in the end. Big hugs and good vibes. If you want to feel hopeful, read a few newer posts from PatriotsGirl, most of them in Substance Abuse. Jail changed her daughter for the way better.
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  4. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Just got a text from her saying she needs money to get away from him, to give him money for gas so he will take her to a friends house. She says he is hitting her because she won't have sex with him....I've heard that one before. She's begging saying she is crying and doesnt have anymore of her medication. She said she is just going to kill herself because she is sick of fighting the battle.

    She packaged all of that into one conversation.

    I told her that I can no longer help her, that she needs to help herself then I blocked the number.

    I am pretty calm but can feel the tightness of anxiety in my chest. I know it's right, she has to hit bottom on her own. I just hope like hell she is still lying and those things are not true.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Wearymom is there somebody there with you? Can you call somebody? To me, you did the right thing. If you aid her in the way she wants, she will only use it to dig herself in deeper--that is how I see it, too. I wish there were more people on this thread right now. I feel so inadequate right now. COPA
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You are doing great. You are standing your ground with her. It still has not sunk in that you are not going to bail her out of her troubles anymore. It takes time.
    Once she's picked up and put in jail she will continue to call you crying and begging and making promises. Be prepared for that.

    I'm wishing you peace my friend. Hang in there, you will get through this. We are here for you.
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  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    If she were truly in danger she could call the police instead of you. 911 is certainly faster. That says to me she wants money, not help. Hang in there.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't help her run and DON'T give her money. She will be safer in jail (weird, I know).
  9. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    No money has left my pocket and it won't in the future either. That would just enable her - to get drugs or to slow down the inevitability of hitting rock bottom. I know that now thanks to all of you.

    She called me tonite, from some other number and said she just wanted to hear my voice. She said she got upset because she is depressed and got into an argument with her boyfriend (turns out this supposed good samaritin that supposedly saved her from the side of the road is someone she knew all along) and he was threatening to kick her out.

    As I suspected, there was no truth to her story...as usual.

    She is depressed, she says, because she has screwed up her life and put us through hell. She also said she just found her prescription for her antidepressants in her bag so she took one today which I am sure has her emotions somewhat raw since she hasn't taken one in a week or so.

    She said she just wanted to hear my voice for a minute, she said she loves me and misses me and we said good bye.

    I wish I could hug her and tell her I love her in person because I do love her and I miss seeing her terribly but just like with any child who leaves home or goes off to college somewhere, parents miss their kids. She will be in jail soon, maybe for quite some time between the two counties that have warrants for her and that's okay - I'm good with that, I really am. I will know where she is, that she can't get drugs (at least I hope not) and she's got '3 hots and a cot' at the very least. Time to face the music....

    My husband has been very supportive this evening as my sister and brother and law have been as well while I visited my little niece tonight. I'm lucky to have such wonderful family to support me, especially because they are 100% in agreement with this approach.

    I'm a little distracted by the fact that the authorities are closing in - I just wish they would pick her up already but I know it will happen very soon. In the meantime, I am okay. I am enjoying my home, my husband, my hobbies and my work.

    LIfe can be good, even with Difficult Child's -it's all in how you handle it. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your advice, inspiration and support during the absolute hardest part of my life.

    Have a wonderful weekend!
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Wearymom, so happy for you....I will pray.
  11. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    So glad you have family and good support Weary. The fact that you're able to enjoy your home, your husband, hobbies and work is also a good sign.
    You ARE doing great and you did the right thing by not giving in to the pleading, dramatic cries for help. It's the not knowing 100% if your child is in danger that can make you second guess yourself and ability to stand firm.
    I'll keep saying it....We're Friends on the Hard Road. Get some rest, Weary.
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    And I believe this is true.

    For us, for the moms, the hard part is determining which is the best response, which are the positions we believe will be best in the long run. You are doing the right thing Weary, from anything I know from my own experience. It helped me to know that our kids will up the ante when we say no. It helped me to expect that escalation to happen. When it did, I was not lost in guilt. I had that little piece of truth that someone here told me: That my child's behaviors would escalate until she got me to do what she wanted.

    So I could hang on.

    You are doing well, I think.

    I know it is so hard.

    I am sorry this is happening.

    I think this is true. She is learning, the hard way, how her choices change who she is. If she can see that clearly enough, perhaps she will make different kinds of choices in future.

    They do love us. We do love them. That seems to be the only thing that doesn't change.

    One time, I was certain we were losing my daughter. All at once, none of the bad things mattered. It was just such a joy to hear her voice, to have had her in my life, all the good and the bad of it. For me, detachment is about doing the right thing as best I can figure it out.

    It has nothing to do with turning away from my children. It has mostly to do with being as honest as I can with them. Now I know it is best for them to face the consequences of their choices as soon as possible. Why else would they change their life paths?

    So that is what I do, and that is what I try to remember, and to use as my guiding principle, when I talk to them.

    Well, to my daughter or grands because, once again, my son is not speaking to me.

    For heaven's sake.

  13. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    She is definitely escalating Cedar, she is now saying she is ready for rehab and wants to come home, she says she's ready. I have heard all this before and I'll be honest and say I don't want her home. This is just another part of the cycle that has been happening for the past few years. She parties, does drugs and is Miss Independent, then the times get rough, she s been kicked out of places she's staying and will eventually end up back at home. She starts off with a great attitude, is very pleasant and cooperative and will sometimes even get a job and then before we know it, she's lying, stealing and when we enforce consequences she leaves again. The cycle is exhausting.

    She has two warrants in two counties and she will not accept that the only way to take care of her problems is by going to jail which is why I think she is saying she wants rehab. I told her she cannot be at home right now to which she replied that she wants to be home with her mom and dad.

    Is this escalation because of her impending arrest? I just wish they would find her already so she would be in jail. The investigator that keeps calling me is actually traveling to the town she is in this weekend and is trying to locate her. He knows what apartment complex she is staying in but not the apartment number. I've managed to find out the name of the lady that rents the apartment with hopes he can work with the apartment management to figure it out.

    Am I just whimping out and that's why I just want her caught or am I being a terrible mother to want that?

    I am not taking phone calls from her, I'm only allowing texts so I don't have to hear her cry and beg me.

    I just want this to be over, this apprehension and anxiety! The calls from the bondsman and investigator needing my help and her calls begging for help are just too much pulling me in opposite directions.

    Am I terrible to desperately want me daughter jailed?
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    We are with with Wearymom.
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    :hugs:I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I had words, but you are NOT terrible to want her in jail. It's going to happen anyway and there she is safe, off the streets. Perhaps a court-ordered rehab is exactly what she needs. I understand only accepting the texts. Hearing their voices begging and crying is the hardest thing in the world. We are all with you.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    No you are not. You have tried everything and nothing worked. Now, it's time for "society" to work. I think it is really good for us that we have laws so that we all can have ordered lives. When people like our dcs are "out of order" someone has to restore order.

    Hang in there. She needs to be somewhere where there are very strict rules and very few choices for a while. You will know a lot more about her true state of mind after she's been in jail for a while.

    We are here for you. You are really doing well, and this is really really hard. Take extra special care of yourself right now.
  17. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Many thanks Copa and Lil, I hate this..I so hope they find her soon and this doesn't drag on and on. With the way I feel right now I will do what I have to including lie to her to get her arrested. I just feel so unsettled.
  18. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hang in there Weary!!

    Yes, this is part of the cycle. I went through this with my son, he would get to the point of desperation then would beg us to let him come home, he promised "it will be different this time, I've learned, blah, blah, blah"
    I do not blame you for not wanting her home and that is not the place for her. It's so hard because while they are legally an adult and demand to be treated like one, they do not act like one and when things get to rough or scary they retreat to where they always felt safe, at home with mommy.
    She does not belong in your home anymore. She is not a little child, she is an adult even though she is not acting like one.

    Weary, you are neither whimpy or a terrible mother. You are a loving mother who is concerned about her daughter. Your daughters choices have dictated this whole story, you did not do this. You simply want some peace for yourself and also your daughter. At this point, jail is really the best thing for her as it will force her to be clean and sober.

    Oh, my heart goes out to you. Just know that this won't last forever. I have been right where you are, the feelings of desperation coupled with too my anxiety. Do whatever you can to try and calm your nerves. A bubble bath with a cup of chamomile tea or perhaps treat yourself to a massage.

    Again, you are not a terrible person to want her in jail. (Jail or doing drugs) I would pick jail every time.

    I am so sorry you are going through this but you are not alone. We are here for you, supporting you, hugging you, holding you up.
    Take care my friend!!
  19. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Hugs Tanya, much appreciated reassurance. I gave myself a pedi tonite and planned the nails I'm going to do tomorrow (I do my own nails at home) and set up my own nail station in what used to be our office. I'm trying to 'Do Me' but it's hard.

    Never have I thought I would be hoping my daughter would go to jail...wow...how quickly things can run off in the ditch!

    Here's to us all (sip of wine) lol. Thanks again, to everyone. I hope to have an update on her soon.
  20. Tentimesaround

    Tentimesaround New Member

    Sending you thought and prayers! You are doing the right thing. One day at a time one step at a time! Ur support system is here helping u through these tough days ❤️