One step forward, two back

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by FTN, Oct 7, 2008.

  1. FTN

    FTN New Member

    SO got difficult child into weekly counseling sessions. Hooray! But it seems her behavior seems to have really gone downhill since they began roughly three weeks ago. Her new justification for poor behavior is that none of us can tell her what to do since we're not her father.

    Last night, her resistance to go to bed was more intense than usual. When she finally got in there she calls her pedo-father up telling him I was throwing and hitting her. Her mother goes in to talk to difficult child. She denied calling pedo-dad then calls her mom a wh*re.

    Ugh... two more days till the next counseling session.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Does the counseling address the sexual abuse? Are all the kids in counseling for abuse? Is SO? Nothing is going to change if that issue isn't addressed with everybody. IF I recall the family is rife full of problems. It seems that this kid is the scapegoat for the entire dysfunctional family.
    I'm really shocked you haven't left Seriously! If this is the only improvement going on, I think the future is probably very grim. And do you know what? Most kids tell stepfathers (and you are not even THAT) that "you are not my father so you can't tell me what to do." My kids told that to my hub so we decided, rather than fighting it, that he ISN'T the father and that me and their dad would deal with disciplining the kids. It worked out great. You are NOT the father. You are not even their stepfather. You are not much older than her oldest child. I would stay out of their discipline.
    I hope you are not physical with this or any of the children. They are not yours and you could get sacked with child abuse charges. Even if you aren't hitting her/spanking her there is a good chance CPS will believe that you are and you could see jail time. This child may advance to saying you are sexually abusing her. Then it will be a mess; they tend to take this allegation VERY seriously and live-ins are big offenders (not all, but enough that CPS takes notice). Sorry to be negative, but I've seen this is homes where kids were sexually abused. It tears everyone up.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    When she has counselling, is there time for you or her mom to join at the beginning or end of the session? How does the counselor get your input in the newest issues? I would suggest typing up a list of concerns you are seeing and giving to the counselor. Ask for a meeting to discuss why she is getting worse instead of better. Ask what issues they are working on and what advise difficult child is getting.

    When I had a problem with easy child when she was about 10 yrs old. We saw a counsellor paid by my work. We saw him only one time and he stated that he would see her again and if we decided to continue, he would transfer us to someone who works with kids! Needless to say, I was very angry and wrote a letter to my Human Resources dept demanding that when an employee needs help for a child that they pay for the 2 sessions with someone that actually works with kids! Anyway, another reason I didn't take her back was because he pretty much told us to let her set the rules of the house - let her do whatever she wanted!!!!! Say What?

    You may want to find out what type of message this person is sending. Counsellors who work with kids need to send the message that the child must respect the adults in the household. My difficult child's councelor sends that message loud and clear when needed, "You must listen to your mom."

    The counsellor may not know that she seems to be turning away from all authority because she thinks she can choose who to obey which of course she will choose her bio-dad who is not part of every day life.

    Also, it is possible that issues do get worse before getting better while things are being worked out. In any event, the counsellor should include you in what to expect and should be receving feedback from you.
  4. FTN

    FTN New Member

    Yeah, I'm surprised I haven't left yet either. Its mostly because I'm afraid SO will hurt herself if I do. I mean, how would you react if you're in her shoes? It would tear her apart. "He left me because of the damage done by my pedophile, abusive, drug using, alcoholic exhusband to my youngest and I."

    As far as co-disciplining goes... her "father" regularly beat her and possibly molested her, not to mention molested her sisters. The only contact he, and his equally charming new wife, are to have with us is through email. We've tried working with them in the past over issues, but they've been belligerent and obstinate as you might expect.

    The counseling is Thursday mornings. Time can be arranged before or after the session for she and I to speak with the counselor. We'll definitely do that this time.

    The only time I've had to use any amount of force was to grab her arm to stop hitting things or her sister. SO works afternoons to evening so she hasn't been able to provide any real or consistent discipline so its left up to easy child #2 who is a child herself. We have, what seems to be, a feral child on our hands.

    I really need to leave.
  5. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Just wanted to send some support and {{{HUGS}}} your way. You sound like a great man. Your wife is very lucky. Kudos to you for sticking around for all of the "bad stuff"!!!

    God bless. :)