Opening my eyes

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by challengedparent, Nov 21, 2013.

  1. challengedparent

    challengedparent New Member


    I have an 18 soon to be 19 year old son. I love him dearly. The past 1.5 years has been a roller coaster ride for my household. My son has been disrespectful of our home and us. He is quick to damage and destroy whatever is handy when he gets upset. We cannot have a conversation with him about anything without him blowing up at the smallest thing. We have given multiple chances for him to be honest not just to us but to himself and as well. He has stated that he wants to make things better, however that only lasts a short while. I have had to call the authorities but cannot bring myself to pressing charges.He is now with my mom, for a short time and I'm hunting for a program to put him in as we dont think we can do anymore for him to help him get back on the right path. His friends (the good ones) have mostly moved onto post secondary schools and we believe that has resonated with him on some level- though clearly not enough to encourage him to stick with finishing high school. He disappears mostly on the weekends and when he's home, sleeps all day and complains that he can't find a job or get to scholl as we've taken away his use of our car. Iam reading the posts on this site and though comforted that im not alone-- i really do feel alone. Im afraid of where my kid is heading and feel hopeless in helping him.
  2. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Welcome! Sorry you have to be here though. :( You are most definitely not alone here. (((HUGS)))
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your hurting mommy heart. Have you thought that he may be doing drugs? That would be my guess. It is certainly a reason why he would sleep all day. Also, kids change a lot and become lazy and disrespectful and even violent while taking drugs.

    It may be helpful to get some answers. Sadly, to do so we usually need to snoop in the adult child's room, check Facebook, his computer and when you check out the room be sure to look in odd places where you may find hidden goodies that he hopes you won't see. Expect him to be indignant that you have "invaded my privacy!" But our grown kids who seem to be in a bad place can not be helped if we don't even know why they are behaving the way they are. Once we know, then we can make thoughtful choices about how to handle it.

    It is normal for us to take on emotions because of our grown children, but feeling hopeless because of the life your adult child has chosen won't help him and will harm YOU and YOU and your health, mental well being, and quality of life are as valuable as his. You must have well functioning people in your life that you can enjoy and you should! Your life should not stop because your son is making poor choices.

    You might want to read up on detachment. The day may come when you decide he is too hard to have at home and that he either follows your rules or has to leave. Most often, they choose to leave, especially if they are on drugs and you insist they go to rehab in order to live in your house. None of this is your fault nor can you change whatever his problems turn out to be. You can offer help in case he decides he wants to change, but you can not make him change. There is only one person on earth you can change and control and that is yourself.

    If you haven't read the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, I highly recommend it. You may want to fill us in more on what is going on with your son so we have a clearer picture and can give better support to you, but that is your decision. We are here to support you regardless.

    This is a difficult journey, but we are all supporting one another and getting through it together and you can too. Best of all, we are here 24/7 and you can post at any time. Somebody will usually be around to be there for you.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcpme challengedparent. It does sound very much like your son is on some kind of drug(s). He is being secretive and disrespectful. I found with my daughter that when she was on drugs she went on the offensive in hopes that we wouldn't ask about drugs, as if we would just want to keep peace and she could fool us...ha!

    What would he do if you asked him to go for a drug test? I found a lab near us that woud test my daughter and give me the results as long as she signed a release, which we required her to do to continue living with us.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to the SA forum. You are not alone . . . unfortunately, many of us here have been through the very same thing. We all love our difficult child's dearly but that doesn't mean that we are helping them by living with us when we know they are being self-destructive.

    Sleeping all day is a red flag for substance abuse. I agree with Nancy. Ask your son to go for a drug test and see how he reacts. If he is using drugs and/or alcohol, it may be time to tell him he has two choices . . . move out or go to rehab.

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. Keep posting. The CD board is an awesome place for support and advice. Like you, I felt alone until I found this place.