opinions on boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers at your house

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by upallnight, Mar 26, 2011.

  1. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm just wondering what you all think, do you allow this? I don't have a problem with it. After spending so many years dealing with difficult child, my 2 younger easy child's can pretty much do anything and it's fine with me, my bar is set so low. I'm just wondering....my 2 younger boys are 19 and 17, the 19 year old has had a girlfriend for a year, but my 17 year old is in his room right now with a 25 year old woman. husband says..."Yeah, Go easy child!" but he's not here and he said I should leave them alone. I'm usually not at a loss for what to do, but at the moment I am. I feel strange saying, "Leave the door open".

    (19 year old and girlfriend very responsible, she was her class validictorian of 1,000, I don't have a problem with that) (although once he told her not to worry if they ever had a baby "by accident" ...."my mom loves babies, she'll take care of it" he said!!! LOL!!!!
  2. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Speaking for myself (as the mom of an only child - a difficult child), No.

    There's a certain amount of respect I expect- even from my difficult child - and having a boyfriend sleep over is something that I would not allow. I know others may feel differently (my difficult child lives with her dad and he doesn't allow the boyfriend to sleep there, but allows her to sleep at the boyfriend's. boyfriend lives with his parents and they are alright with it. I'm not, so when she stayed with me recently, she slept here and he slept there.

    Also, no 25 year old woman belongs in the bedroom with a 17 year old kid. Unless she's his sister. I'd have a woman to woman talk with herif I were you!
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    What the heck is she doing with an underage BOY???
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I allowed easy child/difficult child to have overnight company once he turned 21 IF it was a "friend with priviledges" but no strangers in the house. It didn't happen often thankfully. I did not allow teens that freedom. I understand that you are in a pickle since the older ones had freedom but truthfully I wouldn't be able to stand having an adult female messing with my kid in my house. DDD
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I read that and thought... 25?! Um, what the he!! does she want with a 17-y/o kid?!

    From my perspective - NO. Bad enough that I've caught Onyxx in the act, bedroom door OPEN, her then 9-y/o brother one room away.

    When she has been on her own for a while, and then comes to visit for a day or two - we'll see. We'll see.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I think a lot depends. With my difficult child son I did not let girls sleep over in his room or for him to be in the room with the door closed... I knew they were having sex but I didn't want to encourage it and I felt uncomfortable having it right under my nose. As he got older I stopped worrying about if he was with her here alone and so yeah they probably did have sex then. Part of my issue really was my younger easy child daughter.... I didn't want her feeling like it was ok because at her age it is not.... and since she right thinks she is more mature than her bro I didn't want her to get that message.

    Now we are in a different situation. He is now not living here... if and when he came to visit with a girlfriend I would not object to them sleeping together here. Partly that is because he is older and partly because he would be visiting and partly because I think it will be awhile before that even happens.

    Don't know how I will feel when my daughter gets a serious boyfriend. I suspect she will tell me when she is at that point and we will talk about it because she is very open with me. I do notice that on many things I am much more relaxed. Like she was invited to a friends after school yesterday. If that had been my son at the same age I would have insisted on making sure the parents were home.... in fact when he was in 9th grade that stand on my part made him absolutely furious. Well I kind of understood yesterday because I didn't make that call for my daughter. I really wasn't worried about it with her..... and that is what he could never understand. I trust her AND she has never given me reason not to. He gave me reasons not to trust him constantly so I didn't then and I still don't even though I think (but don't know because he still hasn't gotten in touch) he is doing better.
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I did post about this teacher a month or 2 ago. I really have no idea what the heck she is doing hanging around an 11th grade boy! She works in another town, and I thought they didn't hang out anymore. He wanted to take her to his jr prom, but the deadline pased to buy tix, so thankfully that won't happen. About an hour after I "told" all of you what was going on, husband called me back and I said they were still in there. He was annoyed at me for not doing something, I thought he was ok with it, he was fine with it an hour ago. Anyway, husband wanted to talk to easy child so I yelled for him to get the phone and when he did, the "girl" went out the front door.

    I work Saturday mornings and nobody was supposed to be home. difficult child and 17 year old spent Friday night 2 and 1/2 hours away at 19 year old's college. easy child left school early yesterday and they went. I thought that was really nice, my boys are spending a couple days together, how nice. When I came home from work her car is in my driveway. Last night she drove up 2 1/2 hours to sleep at easy child's college after her work was over, stayed over and took younger easy child home this morning. difficult child drove home alone later. easy child had the house to himself while I was at work. They had to get up really early to get here. easy child normally sleeps half the day away so that was extra early for him. Lovely.
  8. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    WTF? You're saying this is a teacher hanging out with-a 17-year-old boy? This is about as wrong as it can get and she could easily get fired over this, not to mention prosecuted if they are having sex. At any rate, I seriously question this woman's judgment and would not want her anywhere near my child- easy child or difficult child. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Good Lord, she's going to end up the lead story on Nancy Grace. I would definitely step in over this situation.
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    She 25??? OMG!!! Not only would she lose her job for this, she could end up in jail! Your son is a student and a minor, a teacher would be considered to be someone in a position of authority which could be even a more serious charge! And you sure don't want it to look like you're condoning it by allowing her to see him in your home! You have my permission to get a big stick and chase her off of your property!

    There have been cases in the local news here where this has happened, female teachers that were involved in relationships with young male students and they ended up receiving several years in prison! It started out with phone calls, texting and sending explicit pictures and ended up in a sexual relationship. People tend to look at it as not as serious as if it were the other way around, but it's just as illegal as it would be if it were an older male teacher having sex with a young female student.
  10. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    The 2 of them in his room is wrong in so many ways .. .. ..
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I think it makes a difference if he is 17 when this relationship started at least legally. Im not saying anything about the morality or about the teaching aspect but just the legal aspect I think 17 is the age when they wouldnt go after her for statutory rape with him.

    Now it would give me the creeps to have a woman 8 years older than my son sleeping with him in my home...I dont care if he was 17 or 27. That is really quite a large age gap.

    Im no prude. I have known my boys have had girls here having sex for quite awhile. Heck one is living here now. I wasnt thrilled particularly but I knew they were going to have sex so I just made sure their bedrooms were at the other end of my house!
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Two teens? Ok.......keep door open, no biggie.

    A teen and a 25 yr old woman? I'd be hauling her fanny outta my house so fast........after making it perfectly clear if I caught her so much as thinking about my kid that we'd have the most painful humiliating discussion of her life!

    Due to difficult children, not much shocks me and on most things I can pretty much go with the flow. boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers? Nope. Won't happen. Don't happen. I don't care if you're 16 or 46. Not in my house. I'm not a prude in any sense of the word. But I just don't go for that sort of thing. Even when Nichole's boyfriend's mom tossed him out over an argument......he slept on the couch in the family room. And I guarantee he did as I'm an insomniac (look at the time on this post lol) and I kept a very close eye on him. Which many people think ridiculous as the kids had Aubrey already.

    But in my opinion a teen with a 25 yr old you're sending the wrong message in big bold red letters. (and yes I totally get your husband's point of view) This *cough* woman obviously has some big difficult child issues going on if she's going for underage boys. (usually a control thing) Last thing your son needs mixed up in.........and the last thing you should be reinforcing by allowing her to stay or even be in his room. Me? She wouldn't be allowed near him.

    Why? Katie for one. Her mom did this with M. I could still strangle her for her stupidity.

    Of course this is just my opinion based on my experiences. In the end you've got to decide what's best for you to do.

  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Oh now I feel really bad. I shouldn't have allowed that, it is so wrong. I'm going to have a talk with easy child myself. Normally this is husband's dept. I don't talk to any of them about sex, but husband and the boys talk amongst themselves, but not near me.
    I'm going to tell him she's not coming over here anymore. And that it's illegal. I'm also going to tell him something must be wrong with her. Something is very wrong with her. First I'll ask him for the exact name of the school she works for.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    It is not illegal. Age of consent is 16 in NJ and her being a teacher is only a legal factor is she is a teacher in his school or in someway has 'authority' over him.

    That being said, I would also end her visits. You can 'make' her visits illegal by (1) formally informing her that she is not to have contact with your minor child--certified letter, etc (2) if she ignores that, going to court and getting a Restraining Order against an adult who is encouraging your minor child to disobey and (3) calling the police every time she violates the RO.

    How long until easy child turns 18? Is there a risk of him moving in with her as soon as he is 18?
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Be very careful about calling her place of employment -- unless you have PROOF that they are doing something sexual, you can be sued for slander.
  16. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    And yes, it is illegal. For anyone who holds "a position of authority" the laws are different. Although 16 is normally the age of consent, in these cases people with jobs as teachers, counselors, police, etc. the consenting party must be 18.
  17. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    He won't be 18 until October and he is still in 11th grade, he doesn't have money to move out, or a job. I'm just going to talk to him, I'm not going to do anything on her end, thanks for the info on age of consent.
    When he was 15, he attempted suicide. He takes medications for depression and I walk on eggshells around this kid. He's a nice kid, and I do give him more leverage than my other kids because I don't want to put pressure on him. His mental health is more important than anything. Just thought I'd add that in there.
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    But upallnight said that the woman ISN'T in a position of authority over up's son.
  19. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    A bit of unsolicited advice here: Don't make this "husband's department". Parents need to stand together on matters as important as this. If you don't, you'll become the patsy parent and he'll do whatever he pleases when husband is not around.
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I wish you good luck in finding the right way to handle the situation with your easy child. So much depends on the personality of the teen, their sense of self and their previous experience level. Often times teens "first" has deep significance to them and it is difficult to take a stand. Yes, of course, I would not allow that to happen in my home again. on the other hand I vividly remember the impact of first encounters. With a sensitive boy or girl it requires parents to tip toe through the mine field of emotions. Hugs. DDD