Our Adult Daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Katehc, Apr 28, 2016.

  1. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    we have two children a son and a daughter. Our son was easy from day one but our daughter was always challenged us. She was closer to her father growing up but mine and her relationship was always rocky. Her relationship with her father changed when she was in her late teens. He could pinpoint the time when it changed and it was at the time he overheard an argument between myself and her. It was the first time he took my side and really yelled at her. This was when it changed. She got stuck and things were never the same between them..Then she met her would be husband who grew up in a dysfunctional home to the extreme until his parents divorced. The result he never felt any respect whatsoever for his parents, us as our daughters parents or any adults for that matter. He took an immediate dislike for my husband so if you put this and our daughters feelings towards her father in the mix , the outcome was not present. Our daughters home life was normal, normal family issues, normal happy family times. There were occasional disagreements amongst adults but nothing serious enough to cause family rifts. To this day we enjoy huge family gatherings. Our daughter looked at these small disagreements and of course blamed everything on her father to this day, she got stuck. No matter what he's ever said or did wrong , she blamed him. She could never get past this and with her husbands influence my husband didn't stand a chance. We carried on with our lives with this monkey on our backs. My husband periodically would try and giver her a hug or a kiss but she would brush him aside. He is not one to show affection easily and this continuing rejection was hard on him. He loved her deeply. We woukd vist her frequently but her father always felt he was invisible, no matter how hard he tried nothing ever changed. These visits were not pleas t for him but he did it for my sake and our on,y grand child's sake. After leaving he woukd always say what is going on? I woukd always make excuses. I was the family peacemaker. My husband is a quiet man, who is socially awkward a d sometimes say things that in his mind was funny but wasn't funny to them. It came to a head on our grandchilds birthday, we we're closing around and he said something that our daughter and her husband found offensive but we didn't know that until days later. We received a Nasty text from our daughter calling her father some nasty names but we were told that her father was not allowed anywhere near them or our grandchild Until he received some therapy and a three month exclusion from their lives. He immediately wanted to go to their home and talk things out, this offered was made three different times. They woukd not relent. That happened last year and. Things hasn't improved for him. I ended up getting couciling, my husband was so hurt it eventually landed him in emergency twice thinking he was having a heart attack. It eventually took a tole on my health. There were many arguments throughout the year between myself and our daughter and because of this my husband remained silent. Extremely hurt but silent. He didn't want any part of The fighting. She made it clear that she wanted a relationship with me only and maybe work on hers and her fathers relationship later. Maybe. She gave me a choice. Her, her son or her father. I chose her father. I would not add to his suffering k nowing he wanted to fix this and she didn't. How could I leave him behind and go off with my daughter knowing full well this was driving the knife in even further. I made that terrible decision , which she didn't like. We eventually got access to our grandchild but it was not without threats of legal action. The other grandmother and uncle also has no contact with this child. My daughter and her husband were taken to court to exercise grandparents visitations but unfortunately in our province grandparents do not have legal rights so the other grandmother and her son lost. Because we has an ongoing relationship with our grandchild , this was a different matter. If we took it to court our outcome woukd be different which our daughter knows so she allowed our visitations to go on uninterupted. There were many games but we got past it. We are now on somewhat steady grounds but she reuses to have anything to do with her father. She acknowledged my birthday but ignored his. I seen him on his BurthdY checking his emails, texts and phone messages Nothing. He was happy I heard from her in my birthday but I knew his omission. Was very painful.ny husband doesn't know but I texted my daughter , told her until she can treat us the same with regards to acknowledging special occasions just don't acknowledge mine. She took this as I'm trying to control her but it wasn't . I just want to spare him more pain which I told her. I don't think she believe but that's her issue. Is there any hope for this small family?
     
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Kate,

    I'm so sorry for the pain and chaos you are living through. You ask if there is any hope for your family, my answer is this; I think there is always hope, however it must be tempered with reality.
    We cannot change our adult children's behavior, we can only change how we respond to it.
    When there are grandchildren it can complicate things. Many times our d_c's will use these precious little ones as a way to "control" us. (unless you do a,b,& c, you cannot see your grandchild) This is just cruel.
    Your daughter holding onto to a past hurt and not moving on is very typical. My son does the same thing as do many of the d_c's we write about here.
    For whatever reason they choose to blame us for everything that has gone wrong in their lives.

    I suggest you read this article on detachment.
    http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz478wFtVJj

    We all can only do what we are comfortable with but we also have to take care of ourselves and our health. When our quality of life or health start to suffer because of a Difficult Child then it's time to step back and truly evaluate the situation.

    One of the biggest lessons I have learned is to not allow my son to hold my emotions hostage.

    I am so glad you are here with us. Others will come along and offer advice and support.

    Please let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) to you........................
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your daughter is behaving like a cruel person. Having said that, there is no law against being cruel or using grandkid removal as a mean punishment.

    My own suggestion is to let this insanity go and to focus on your own lives and hang around with your loved ones and friends who can show the love and kindness you deserve. Groveling doesnt work. It gives the mean people power they dont deserve, even if this is your daughter.

    There is only one person you can control...yourself. As much as you and Dad want a relationship with Grandchild, it is out of your hands and NOT worth risking your life.

    You are important and people love you. You owe it to yourself to hold your heads up and move on and choose health.. that s meanness is destroying your husband, and NOTHING is worth his life.

    Please take care.
     
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  4. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Kate. Warm welcome and tenderness for all you are going through. Many of us have similar grief.
    A big step and the correct one. Your daughter forced that one, for what reason, who knows? The reason doesn't matter at all, but your choice drew a much needed boundary, I applaud you for that. The realization that "enough is enough" is huge. How many times my hubby and have wished we knew to draw lines sooner, and yet we look forward not back as much as possible.
    Hopefully the article on detachment will give you some places to start. It is sound information for pointing you toward health.

    I've often thought how odd it is that if any other person on earth treated us the way our Difficult Child's do, we would cut off ties without a doubt. But our kids can treat us this way??? and we endure it. I know from experience that the grandchild issue muddies the water but if physically and emotionally you are depleted, you can't function there either. There comes a point where you must save yourself. DO IT. Little by little but do it. None of us know what tomorrow may bring. Be strong today. You can do this. Prayers.
     
  5. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    Our 43 year old daughter stated that she seen other fathers with their daughters and this was what she got cheated out of. But he had tried affection only getting pushed away, but he was always there for her, no matter what he was doing without complaint hecwoukd drop everything and go to her. My husband is not without flaws but not once in her lifetime has she ever been hit , emotionally abused or physically abused by her father. But the way she is carrying on its as if he had. Myself and my husband were raised in good strict homes and were the recipients of corporal punishment. We were not abused but the punishment we received was to ensure we woukd never reoffend. But when we were adults we moved past our upbringing and enjoyed great relationships with our parents. Our daughter got stuck andcrefuses to move on. I trust believe she actually feels the victim and taking bad advice from some of her friends. I can't control that and I can't control her . I really believe what she suffers from is impatience and intolerance for those that are a little different. She stole our 1st of our retirement but she won't steal from us another second. The hours and hours of despair and feelings of desperation over this lady year had broken something inside if me. I know it changed me but I'm a fighter. Having said that I still sometimes struggle with should I accept her special occasion acknowledgements or stick to my guns and reaffirm that unless she treats us both the same on these occasions , don't bother sending me anything. It's tough dealing with this stuff.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your 43 (well into middle age) daughter needs to get over this or she needs to go it without a father OR mother. At her age, daughters are starting to look out for their aging parents, not fighting childhood hurts with both, and this DOES involve you both. That is not maturity. She is WAY old and, yes, mean to play mommy against daddy. Is she emotionally six? I wouldn't give into her cruel demand.

    Go with your husband, my friend, and dont let him listen to old old stuff that may be lies and will destroy his golden years. Nothing is worth this hurt. Really. Its like she wants to break you apart.

    I hope you both get therapy to learn to cope with this (you can) and enjoy the rest of your lives, guilt free. Nobody can deal with constant garbage from an adult child who is old enough to know the damage she is causing. No excuse at her age except that she is bitter and mean over who knows what and you cant fix her. SHE may not even know her deal. It doesnt matter. Its divisive and hurtful.

    Detach, detach, detach. She is making you ill. Dont allow it. Dont listen. Take a nice vacation. Move far away. You cant change her, but you can jump into a marvelous second honeymoon with each other and you must have loved ones and friends who can and will be positives in your lives.

    You did nothing wrong. Enjoy your life with those who care for you. We on this forum care about you. You need to let the game go. Hugs!!!
     
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    Last edited: Apr 28, 2016
  7. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    Thank you all for your support. Many times I doubt my decisions, I second guess myself. I need to be stronger but I know I will get there eventually.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, your daughter is too old for you to worry about the mean things she lies about. If she is delusional and believes it happened then she is mentally ill and needs to get help on her own..legally you cant force her to nbee rationsl or get het to get help. Its out of your hands.


    Go on with your life. You owe her nothing at her age. You gave her Gods greatest gift...LIFE. What she does with it is none of your concern.

    Dont waste.another day trying to mother a 45 year old. Time to decide to take care of you and dear husband. Don't let your husband get another heart attack because of her.

    Enjoy the rest of your lives, guilt free.
     
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