Congratulations! :O)
We bring a dozen red roses and a bucket of Kentucky Fried when we go to see a new grandchild for the first time. Seems like a really good tradition, to us. Mom feels special, and everyone gets to eat together right there in the hospital. It's such a happy time, when a baby is born!
And now, to answer the question:
How do YOU feel about them moving in, Apple Cori? Are you willing to build lives around a young couple and their baby, or would your choice be to create your life with your husband without difficult child and family there?
That has to be where your answer comes from. It was very unfair of difficult child's mom to offer your home and money. If she would like to help, she should have offered her own home, and her own money.
There have to be solutions other than having the young family move in with either parent.
Have you already checked what kinds of financial programs are available to young mothers/couples intending to go back to school? Now, while the hospital Social Workers are available, would be a good time to ask about program referrals. There are many support programs out there which cover tuition, living expenses, medical, and so on. This is where the kids should be looking, first. Whether their first apartment will be as comfortable as your home should not be an issue. Not to say that you would never help financially, but the basics should be settled by the young couple involved, with you and husband and that crazy mom who was so willing to volunteer your and your husband's life pitching in as needed.
I really liked what Recovering said about difficult child coming to husband himself with a plan he has come up with himself. Trying to stuff the kids into what we've wanted all along doesn't usually work. difficult child needs to figure out the basics for himself and on his own. My response at this time would be exactly that. Something to the effect that I was happy for difficult child that he was thinking along those lines, and that, once he has it figured out, he can always come to me for help with the fine-tuning.
I think the best thing that could happen would be if the baby's mom moved in with her mother. This would give difficult child the option of proving that he is willing to do what it takes to create and support a family. And if he chooses to go another way, the baby is safe.
The other thing I sort of sense from difficult child's mom is that she sees the baby's birth as an opportunity to turn difficult child's life in a better direction. The magical bonding between mom, dad, and baby cannot happen if extended family is seeing the birth of the child as an opportunity to turn the difficult child's life around, and is trying too hard to make that happen. Either difficult child will stand up, or he won't. There is a fine line between helping, enabling, and enabling failure. difficult child and the mom need to feel, as we all felt when we had our children, that our baby depends on US.
When daughter had her first baby, she and the baby lived with us. It worked beautifully. In time, she was connected with programs to help her set her life on a better path, and was able to move into her own apartment.
Apple Cori, it sounds like this will be an uncertain time for you. It is difficult to know our role in a situation like this one. I think you will come through it beautifully. The only thing I would add is that you truly do not understand how special this baby is going to become, how big a part he or she is going to play in your lives. Putting all worry or regret aside for one night, truly celebrate that little person's arrival in a special way with your husband. Whatever happens with difficult child, this child will bring more joy to your lives than you can even imagine, right now.
I was so horrified when my first grandchild was born that it never once occurred to me to celebrate her birth. Oh! If I had that to do over, knowing what I know now! Know what I would do? I would whisper to my new little granddaughter that, whatever happened with her parents, she and I were going to fall right in love with one another.
Because that's what happened.
And that's what will happen for you too, Apple Cori.
:O)
Barbara