Our visit with our son

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jul 12, 2015.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So we got here yesterday and saw our son. He looks good, has lost some weight, is tan from working outside and is building muscle from the hard work. He is obviously struggling emotionally. He lives in a small town in the middle of nowhere and is pretty isolated. He is about 30 miles from the nearest city and has no transportation except for the bus. He talked honestly with us which is new. He is in a different place than the past which is new. So that is all good. However he is kind of in a catch 22 .....the best thing for him has been the hard work he is doing. He loves the job, it helps him support himself, gives him physical exercise, he is learning a lot and I think it has given him self esteem. Yet he has a serious problem with alcohol and for the first time in his life he wants help for himself. He knows he needs medical detox...he physically does not feel good and he is scared for good reason to do it unsupervised. Yet most are 30 day programs which means he could not work. And then of course the real issue which he recognizes is the support after he detoxes. I would like to see him get into some kind of detox and then have some kind of outpatient program. I think he agrees this would be best...the problem of course is finding this! I would hate to see him give up the job because really in many ways he is doing better than the past even with the drinking! So it's good to see him, our relationship is in a completely different place but I am also really worried about him. And I am trying to think this through with him without trying to solve it for him.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm glad he is happy and looks healthy!

    Your son has it seems no way to have his cake and eat it too (I don't mean this in a bad way). He either has to get help or quit the job or...has he talked to his boss to see if he can hold the job for him? Recovery is a long process. His job would probably help him, but he will still need outpatient services.

    Nothing wrong with taking a bus, by the way :)
  3. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Have him look into local AA groups. His boss might be much more inclined to hold his job if he has been going to meetings for several months before trying to ask off for detox.
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Has he talked with physician? If he is alcohol dependant he really does need medical detox in hospital or otherwise under intense medical care. It is a nasty process even under care and properly medicated but can be life threatening without that. However it does not take 30 days but a few. If his work is providing him consistency and reason to try, out patient after short detox could work for him better than extended stay with just sitting around and thinking about substance abuse. If I remember correctly rehabs have not been a success for him before and outcomes with outpatient programs do not tend to be any worse than in inpatient so maybe continuing in the job he finds beneficial and trying out patient would be a way to go this time.

    Alcohol withdrawal symptoms are clear medical problem and emergency so medical system does have ways to deal with that also for people who are not willing or able to go to rehab, and on the other hand I doubt most rehabs have level of care which would allow detoxing people (I mean, most likely do not have 24/7 physicians in staff neither qualified nurse to monitor the patient through whole ordeal one on one) who are going through withdrawal so local hospital most likely does have procedures in place for those patients.
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2015
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Agreed nothing wrong with taking a bus! That at least gives him access if he really wants it. There is one aa mtg a week in the town he is in. They told him to come back when he is sober after he admitted he was stile
    So I think he might need to go to the larger city for meetings.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    SuZir that is my thinking also. Maybe we should just take him to the hospital when he starts withdrawing? A lot of rehabs have a set up where they detox you first....but they often require a longer stay. My son has been to so many rehabs and they haven't worked....of course he was not internally motivated before. I mentioned a sober house to him last night and he said I finally feel like I am free....and it's true he has been in so many programs that make the rules and he has always had this need to break the rules. He has not been in trouble with the law since he has been on his own even with the breakup with the girlfriend. I don't know we will see what happens today.
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    That sounds kind of odd. Thought they would at least give some advice, not just say come back when you're sober.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I thought it was odd too..but I also know that all 12 step meetings are run by the pArticular group which is there so you can get good meetings and bad meetings...which is why they tell you to try 6 different meetings before deciding it's not for you.
  9. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Wasnt aware of the whole try six different meetings thing. Makes a bit more sense now.
  10. I am glad for you and son TL. Would he be willing to live in a sober living place. Perhaps that would be ideal because he can go to work, meetings, get a sponsor and still maintain the job. Something to consider maybe?
  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    For some people rehabs and sober living places may not work, because the stress over social situation is so high. They may have troubles getting along or following rules.

    My dad did do inpatient places couple times but never lasted long - and sabotaged whole place because the whole situation was so undoable. Lack of freedom, lack of privacy, people telling him how he should feel or think, lack of downtime. He is a major G_F_G and is with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but I have to say I can relate. I don't think I would do too well in similar situation. Lack of privacy and 'me time' would be too much and make it impossible to me. I also know well how difficult even sport camps tend to be for Ache and I don't think any inpatient program relying on group work would be a good fit for him for anything. Maybe a day hospital type of setting where you go home for nights and can have your own time then.

    Some people thrive in group settings, some do not. And if a group setting on itself is a challenge and stressor I don't think prospects for successful inpatient rehab experience are generally that high.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    He has been in a bunch of sober living places and really doesn't want to do that again....i think he needs to find a way to not be so isolated and find some sober support....I think he can do well in a group setting, he has in the past...it's the rigidity and the rules he has trouble with.
  13. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Rigid rules tend to be part of group setting most of the time. It can get unmanageable if rules are not clear and strictly observed. Rules often need to be rigid just to keep things running. And again, some do well with that kind of structure, some do not.

    After some approach has not been working for you, and especially after giving it several tries, it does make a lot of sense to try something different. If someone doesn't do well in certain therapy or treatment, it doesn't necessarily mean they do not want to get better, it may just be that the treatment or therapy was not a good fit for them.

    Many people do well in outpatient treatment and trying to keep their life going at the same time. Your son could be one of those. For some people taking a break from the real world and participating in one minded community and solely concentrating on healing may be a way to go. But usually a person themselves are the best authority when trying to find a fit. That someone else tells that this therapist or program is the right for you doesn't really work, if you yourself feel it is a bad fit.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree.

    There is something fishy here, to me. Thousands and thousands of people every month are arrested, put in jail or prison without formal detox programs. Men and women all over the world detox without hospitals.

    A medically supervised detox should be sufficient. I have friends who have detoxed from 18 beers a day or a liter of alcohol daily by choosing to do so. A physician should be able to handle this process, especially with your son's help, to help himself.

    I suspect that your son may have some ulterior plan, or does not want to take responsibility to decide as an adult. He needs to decide what are his priorities. Not just complain because he wants it all and does not want to step outside of his comfort zone.

    Good for him that he is working, and that he loves it and is healthier. What next step he wants to take or not is on him. Complaining to you his parents, about the barriers, why he can't do it, will not help. He is whining and I hope you do not buy in.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You may be right...although our discussions have not felt so much as complaints or whining but more as brainstorming trying to figure out how to do this. Detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous on your own so he does need medical supervision so he needs to figure out how to do that out in the middle of nowhere without transportation. I am not hearing him say he can't do it, just trying to figure out how to do it. And it may very well be he is not yet really ready to do the hard road.

    That said he blew us off today...nicely and apologetically but blowing us off all the same! I am a little ticked about it but mostly just worried about him.we shall see what tomorrow brings. My husband is hopeful we will drive him to a detox or hospital tomorrow. I am not holding my breath.