Parents "Ten Commandments" for Breaking the Enabling Cycle

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Signorina, Nov 5, 2011.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I saw this online while looking into ideas for the "standards guideline" that H and I plan to set with difficult child before he comes home for T Giving. In case anyone hasn't seen it (I hadn't), I thought I would share. Seems to touch on a lot of things we've been posting this week.

    Parents "Ten Commandments" for Breaking the Enabling Cycle

    1. You shall take care of your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health.
    2. You shall remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friends in addition to your troubled adult child.
    3. You shall not accept excuses.
    4. You shall understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don't make excuses for what you believe.
    5. You shall make fact-based judgments without excuse, and feel okay doing so.
    6. You shall uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values and integrity.
    7. You shall give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money.
    8. You shall listen to music and read books that will focus your mind on your Higher Power.
    9. You shall celebrate life and love as often as possible, even in times of trouble.
    10. You shall consistently practice the six steps to SANITY:

    S = Stop enabling, stop blaming yourself, and stop the flow of money
    A = Assemble a support group
    N = Nip excuses in the bud
    I = Implement boundaries
    T = Trust your instincts
    Y = Yield everything to God.

    Adapted from Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child Copyright © 2008 by Allison Bottke.
  2. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    My difficult child is only 11 but we can definetly benefit from this advice ... Thanks for sharing ...
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you for posting this.

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I feel very reinforced by reading this, given the choices I am making regarding my son these days. Thank you!
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    You're welcome. I need to commit this to memory or write it on my arm under my sleeve - like I am preparing to cheat on a 10th grade geometry test -- so I don't forget.

    Just in reading them -if every commandment were worth a point - I'd have scored a 0/10 this summer. Right now, probably a 3/10 and that's only because I am giving myself a .5 on 2 of them...

    I am going to reach for a 9.5/10

    And thank you all for being the "A" in my sAnity... (assemble a support group)
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow. I really like this.

    Is it in the archives? If not it should be placed there.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'm going to print this... This year, husband has broken his enabling cycle and I am SO PROUD! I want to point out everything he has done right.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you for posting this! It is very timely for me. I am going to print it, too.

  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I love this. The book that it's from is one of the ones that has helped me the most in dealing with my difficult children.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am going to use this too. I think I will change it up a bit and also use it "against"

    Let me see if I can figure out how to archive this after a few more days. Never fear, I will.
  11. UTSE before you waste peoples time.
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    alongfortheride ~ I don't understand what you meant by your post. "Use The Search Engine" before you waste people's time? Who is wasting anyone's time?
  13. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I apologize if I've posted this out of turn. It was not my intent to waste anyone's time.
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Definitely not wasting my time... I found it helpful. Thanks for posting it. I have no idea if it is in the archives somewhere but i would not have thought to look.

  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You were definitely not wasting anyone's time. It was a very helpful post!