Peri-Menopause, part deaux...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by witzend, May 15, 2008.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I was fine yesterday. Today I was all crabby again. For the past nine years I have been writing a letter to my most gossipy lying sister, W, and not sending it. This morning I got up and I was just ticked off that she had told L that I had shoved my mom around (not even true) and that I always make a scene, and that's why I'm not welcome at the family table for holidays. It's occurred to me that she did it because she wanted to be sure that L never asked for me to be included in anything again. Witch.

    I'm the first one to admit that I am blunt. I'm not spiteful. And honestly, when someone is mean to me, particularly a family member, I get out as soon as I can, and go home to cry. I've never made a scene.

    I wrote a short letter, and told her what she said was not true, she wasn't there, and she had no right to say that to my daughter. by the way, if she was so concerned, why not reach out to me about it?

    I also told her that I never remembered making a scene, but I did remember the last Christmas we spent together when she unwrapped the gift I gave her, scowled, gave it to her adult daughter and said "I'm sick of getting all this cr@p I don't need for Christmas." I also reminded her of when she married her second husband (of 4) and I caught the bouquet. I was 22 years old and so excited, it had never happened before. She turned around and saw it was me that caught it and said "Oh, no! Forget that!" She got one of her bridesmaid's bouquets, and threw it so that her friend could catch it. I make unhappy scenes? I'm pretty sure not! There are other examples, but you get the gist.

    I told her I wasn't sure whether she said these things to my kids and did these things to me because she is evil and has a need to make people feel smaller than her, or if she was just plain too stupid to know how to act nice. I suggested she try some self-examination and therapy, and that I hoped she would find a way to be happier. And I quote "Not that I give a rat's *** about your happiness, but all you do is spread hatred and you need to feel good enough about yourself to leave my kids alone." I suggested she consider how she might feel if I outed her lesbian daughter to our parents, and how pitiful it was that she was so ashamed of her daughter that she lies about who and what she is.

    I capped it off by telling her that she didn't have to worry about me ever coming to dinner where she would be, because I'd starve before I'd eat with her. I mailed it to her. And to top it off, I sent a copy to her ex-husband and wrote a little note at the bottom. "J~ I get it that you aren't married to W anymore and that she has always been out of control. She needs to know that if she ever talks like that to my kids again I can't guarantee that I won't do something to belittle her in her (his as well) children's eyes, or to cause a rift between her children and my parents." Witzend.

    I suppose it won't help any. I hope it makes her miserable and angry. But things with my family couldn't get any worse. I mean, it has been nine years, and now their story as to why I'm not around is that I beat up my mom. I don't feel better, yet. But I don't feel worse, either.

    Nine years that letter has been waiting to be properly written and sent. Telling my daughter I beat up Grandma was the icing on the cake. And she can't even show my parents, because if she does, she'll out her daughter herself. And she won't. I told you that the doctor gave me a cranky shot! (I sure hope it wears off soon...)
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sometimes some things just need to be said and sometimes it takes the right mood to finally be able to do it.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so cranky. Ugh. I don't miss that. At all. 2 weeks out of every month I wanted to come out of my skin. I couldn't stand to be around myself. I love my aygestin (synthetic progestin...estrogen is lowest right after your period and the aygestin keeps it there all the time). Even with the lexapro, if I stopped the aygestin I know I'd be right back there.

    I hope you feel better soon.
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Ahh family. Gotta love em. Wait, no you don't! I figure you put up with so much and then there is the limit... they push you so far, and you have to stop it. You will always **** someone off. obviously this has been bugging for awhile, so it hopefully WILL feel good and maybe clear some caca up by doing this! You ARE feisty! I can't wait for Menopause... considering what pms does to me!!!
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Just a thought....

    If you've started the welbutrin, you might want to pay attention to how you feel. It made me extremely irritable. A friend of mine, too. Man, if you breathed funny around her she'd go off. Doesn't do that with everyone, of course, but thought I'd throw that out there.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yikes, Witz. You have one rough family going on. Guess I'd hope the letter is the bridge to overcoming the past, but from the way sis sounds, I wouldn't hold my breath...
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Witz, I just wanted to let you know that I could relate to this in a few ways. The dynamics in your family sound so similar to mine, even though the specific incidences are different. I have spent sooo many hours- days- of my life wondering if a couple of people in my family are really that mean or just that clueless. As time passes and I have kept my distance, I remember certain things said and done over the years (like what you are doing now) and it seems to me that they are just that self-centered and have so many deep issues that they can't even see how sick their way of thinking is. I have had family members sell me out time and time again, not because I did anything wrong or deserved it, but just so they could use their "stories" (ok, LIES) to manipulate others into doing what they wanted. I can't imagine how much insecurity or illusion or denial a person has to have within themselves to do things like this- and to seem like they don't even care. It sounds to me like your sister is this way, too.

    Did you mail the letter?

  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    There are times I'm so glad I don't have any sisters. Something tells me our relationship would be toxic. Posts like yours make me doubly glad but so very sad for you. To have your family hurt you like this is truly tragic.

    So, no real words, just HUGS.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all.

    Shari, I don't know that it will overcome the past or anything. I really am looking more towards the future. My gripe with these people is and always has been that they badmouth me to my kids and it's just not ever going to be ok. It would never be ok with them for anyone to do that with their kids.

    Heather, I will keep an eye out on the Wellbutrin. It's just so hard to know what is making me so irritable! Take your pick, I guess...

    K - I did mail the letters. I've written plenty and they were pages and pages long and they never got sent. This was quick, about 4 paragraphs, and right to the point. "It's not ok to tell my kids lies about me, it's not ok to tell my kids anything detrimental about me, and if you do it again, you'll see what it feels like."

    It's hard for me to understand what anyone thinks that they are going to get out of tearing someone down behind their back. We had a friend and his wife who was making a point of doing that to mutual friends. We listened and didn't say anything, but never told the other couple what the one couple was saying. It turns out that it did get back to them, and I have been very glad that we didn't take any sides on it. The couple who was gossiping are not really friends any longer. They lost interest in us. It says something about what kind of people they are, I think.

    Do you think most people get it that badmouthing someone who isn't there to defend themselves means there is something wrong with the one doing the talking, or is that rare?
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You sound a lot better - like you feel better- Witz! To answer your question- in my humble opinion, I think it all boils down to what kind of people we are talking about. Superficial people just want their clicks or buddies and will agree with whatever a person wants to say or hear. People who are "real" and sincere want to discuss things and want substance and seem to prefer their friends tell them the truth, albeit gently.

    I tried wellbutrin once- I had a beer on it a couple of times and turned into the witch from h***. I thought it was because I'd had a beer on it. Now, I'm starting to wonder if it was just the medication. All I know is that it was such a blatant change in my tolerance level for any frustration whatsoever, that even I noticed it in myself. I stopped taking it- I was afraid of losing my temper with my son- this was when he was about 3 yo.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Sooooooo ......

    Did ya put a stamp on it ? Or did you lob it through her window rapped around a brick? :rolleyes:

    I mean if you are going to be nasty - you may as well go all the way. And I can tell you that Welbutrin made my son very irritable. VERY - He could have swapped spit with a cobra and killed it.

    I think the letter was good. I think there is a whole lot more you held back - maybe you should write a second letter?

    I too have one of "those" sisters. She puts the ASP in Aspie. (I am on a snake roll aren't I?) but I get where you are coming from. NOTHING in the world gets between a Mother bear and her cubs - not even a sibling.

    SO my hats off to you - you Ursus horribilis

    oh don't look it up - it's Grizzly bear. lol.

    You done gud!
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Witz, I am glad you mailed the letter. I think it needed to be said. Sometimes it helps to say things to the person, rather than just to yourself.

    Taking these lies to your daughter was just that nth bit tooo far. I would have done it too. Protecting your child is just a normal, natural instinct.

    I am sorry you feel so irritable and grouchy. It hoovers. Welbutrin gave me a headache and made me a total witch, instead of just a bit of a witch. So some may be the medication. But I was pretty bad then too because of the things that lead to the hysterectomy.

    I think the part about outing her daughter was inspired. Outing someone is not a good thing, but after the hatred they have spewed on/about you, it is totally understandable.

    We will throw lots of chocolate into the area of the Ursus horribilis.