Dear Pit,
Hi, and Oh boy! You asked how you find the strength to deal with these kids? I would ask at what point do you (as a parent, adult) choose to stop making all the "deals" yours? The situation your son is in currently is one that he has created all on his own, by his own hands - and now there are a few consequences and it's making him squirm isn't it? It's like HOLY SNOT - my parents weren't kidding about the suicide attempt bologna I pulled because look where they put me - I'm not in control over my life anymore - Doctors, nurses, therapists and a psychiatric ward - ARE.
SO I gather he's not a dumb boy - he's already in a psychiatric ward and looking to set up a place to stay. Well it is cold out - you said something about 20 degrees earlier....well how cold does he think a prison cell in (wherever you live) is going to be? I mean he's stealing credit cards and charging "joy and comfort items" to YOUR tab. Gosh if it hadn't been YOU he stole that from - do you think someone elses Mom and Dad would have been so lenient? Nope - He'd be charged, booked, and in jail awaiting trial in a cold jail cell without all his comfort items - a nice warm bed, food, clothes, company of decent people - freedoms that involve and I'm not surprised - but (a warden does not sleep on the couch to make sure someone doesn't get out) you're wife has to be 1/2 nuts at this point. Trying reason and logic anywhere near your sons behavior are ridiculous. The kid needs a reality wake up call. - Already you've put your foot down twice and GOLLLYYYYY ----he did call after he said he wouldn't. Imagine that. He NEEDED YOU.
Personally? I had all I could take a few years ago. We said GET OUT, and we meant it. Call it harsh, call it uncaring - and I'll tell you it was probably the most caring thing I ever did for him. I allowed my son to grow up. I showed him that if he didn't like our rules, and out home? Then he could just as well GET OUT - and go get all the things he wanted on his own. He could stay out as late as he wanted. He could get just as toasted as he wanted. He could be as unemployed as he wanted, and in that? Be as hungry, unclean, unhoused and unhelped - JUST LIKE HE WANTED.
Did I worry that things would backfire and he'd end up killing himself? In jail, or prison? Never call me again? End up dead? Yup. Every.SINGLE.day. He chose to go live near his biofather - the psychopath (no really he is) and well - he found out quickly that life there was not great. It wasn't even a roof over his head, unless a bridge or picnic table in the park counts, food in his belly - unless you call dumpster diving eating, Laying in bed until the middle of the afternoon while I went to work two jobs - unless you call riding around all night with his buddies doing whatever - and coming in when he wanted - EMPLOYMENT. I mean he said he looked for a job but with all his PROBLEMS - he just couldn't find a job. GOSH ya think? Royal PITA attitude and the world OWES me a kiss logic.
SO we let him have everything he wanted an more. I mean you can NOT have it both ways - not being an adult - and that means - being gainfully employed - and well if you do drugs and drink? Kinda hard to pass a drug test - so you'll probably couch surf with "FRIENDS" until that gets old for them - because THEY DO get up and go to work to pay their bills and how unrealistic it is for THEM to pay for the increase in electric, water, gas, phone - and food when it's NOT their relative - belive me - there's always A place for them to go - not usually the SAME place because the kids that are working get tired of the unemployed leech friend NOT having a job, and make suggestions they find a host - as a parasite he wouldn't be popular.
Then you have that nagging worry about "Well he'll steal and go to jail." Well yes.......that's society. You steal - You go to jail. In what other alternative world do people steal $1000.00 from you and you say "Oh well - that's just how it is." Not likely. And if you do? Then how long do you think it is before the same person comes back and does it again? You allowed it the first time - and the pain in the rear is making sure that EVERY single receipt, every single time you draw out that card to make an on line purchase - every time you go to sleep - he's not back DOING IT AGAIN. I mean - "Im sorry I won't." Doesn't pay me back for the $1000.00 that was stolen from me - I want it replaced or for you to WORK it off......not continue to sneak out of my house and cause me endless nights of unrest and frustration. That's just crazy. Isn't it? No, I'm asking?
So if this person were NOT your son---------and had done these things to your home, your wife, your daughter....YOU? Do you think you'd invite him BACK in the house to honeymoon and then be himself? I think he threw the cell down the sewer because it had his dealers numbers on it and he thought the cops would find them.......not so cool - easier to toss an expensive cell and get Mom and Dad to buy me a new one - I mean they WILL......they worry about me, where I am, who I'm with - DO I HAVE A RIDE? (wraps imaginary string around finger) He's so immature - I say if you want to know how to survive this?
Learn to detach. The truth of it all is - You have to think about HOW long you want to have the job of being his constant conscience. It's an exhausting, unrewarding job. There are some cases in which the parents throw the child out - and say "GO DO IT YOUR WAY SINATRA." and the kid matures, gets himself together and life is great. There are other cases in which they kid goes his own way - actually SEES how good he had it, and still does dumb things. The truth of the matter is at what point do you STOP living vicariously through him to make sure he's always going to make proper choices? I'm not sure - he's your kid so that's your choice, but to drag yourself down year after year after year - HOPING he wants the same things you do? Sobriety, honesty, appreciation for what's given? Probably aren't going to happen if he doesn't have it a little less cushy than he does now......and by the way - if he starts working to support himself, the rent, the electric, a car, his insurance, gas, food - he may just see that all the freedoms he so blatently craves? ALSO come with a price, and maybe he'll appreciate something somewhere and for that? I'm glad our son went off to live his life at 19.
He's 21 now, and well - he's still NOT making great decisions constantly - but the ones that he's gotten himself into? Those choices were his, and now so are the consequences. Maybe he does need treatment? But you know what? Whether he can understand it or not? I think the only way to give him a reality jerk - is to allow him to see what happens when he's on his own. Mental health provides care to anyone indigent for free. There are plenty of sober houses where you live, and drug treatment for a young man SEEKING it on his own to most facilities would be MORE of a showing that he wants to change than putting him somehere he's only going for now so he can play the cushy game - If I go here ------Mom and dad will LET ME------(fill in the blank) when I'm out - I can do this standing on my ear.
I tell people this not because I'm hard, or cold. My ex is a monster and after 15 years of absence? When my son sought him out? He introduced him to his crack smoking, drug banging, doper friends - whom he took better care of than his OWN son - because they had dope. He also tried to kill my son with a ball bat, and after he had gone to jail for selling dope (leme think - 8000 pills) My son took over the house, fixed it - and when the Dad got out? He threw the room mates that were paying rent OUT, threw their stuff out......and moved his druggie buddies in and totally ruined the house, furniture, -----it was awful. WOrds don't do it justice and I'm rarely at a loss for words.
Whatever you do choose to do - at this stage of the game? I'd do it for peace in my life. If having him OUT of the house would give YOU, your daughter and wife peace? I'd be telling him to talk to his therapist and counselors in the psychiatric ward about a 1/2 way house - If he knows NOW he isnt' coming home? It may give him time to plan a life that he can respect himself for, because he will turn to you some day and say "I got myself sober, I got myself employed, I got myself a place to live." Not "My parents forced me to go to rehab, I still don't have a job, and I'm homeless." And even if he does say the latter? And isn't better for it? Then again how much time and frustration did you invite to your door - again?
The choice isn't easy - the conequences just doubled in value because now it's an adult game - life. It was so much easier when you did tell them what to do and 1/2 the time they did it. I'm over begging....I love my son with all my heart, but his choices hurt my heart too much because the consequences that go with his poor decisions are big ones now. The only benefit at this point is that I don't have that arguing, fighting, bickering and begging and crying in my home 24.7 - doesn't mean he's not still a part of my thoughts, nor does it mean what pains he goes through now don't affect me - because they do. It's just a lot easier to think level headed without him in my home, causing conflict. At least 1/2 the time I can hope that he's trying to get himself a life, and not end up a drug addict, thug, in jail or dead. Those choices would also be a reality if he were living here. I just chose not to deal wtih them any longer in my face.
Hope something in this rambling makes sense to you - it's just a different side we were forced into because our reality was me having another stroke or possibly heart attack, loosing my job, and being homeless because of his mistakes. If he actually gets a consequence from the adult world? Maybe he won't do it again. It's not so cushy out in the jungle.
Sorry for your hurt - I know it's great. We all do. been there done that and made a choice NOT to been there done that anymore.
Star