Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by pasajes4, Sep 29, 2016.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    This was a subject of conversation at my support group.

    Would you allow your adult child to have overnight guests of the opposite sex? I have a problem with that whole scenario. My belief is that if you are old enough to be engaging in that type of activity, you need to have your own place. I think it is disrespectful. I really have a problem with it when kiddo is doing nothing with their life and expecting the parent to cater to the "guest". Seems like this makes things just a little too comfortable. Maybe I am just old fashioned.

  2. Tylersmom1979

    Tylersmom1979 New Member

    I love this question. Heres my view. I have a 14 hear old boy. Rule of my house as long as he lives in it i dont care how old he is. Door to his room always stays open with guests and he can never have any one stay over. Either male or female. If he doesnt like that he can move when hes legal.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Tyler's mom. I am totally on board with this. I have a real problem with "adults" who live at home, don't work, cleanup, and are disrespectful treating their parents home treating it like a hotel.
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    We fought this for ages. Seems like ALL of my son's friend's parent's allowed overnight "guests". Our rule was no overnights with the opposite sex. Not at our house OR hers. I've had girlfriend's mother's ASK! Really! Try telling some strange woman tactfully that her moral stance with her daughter is too lax for our standards. (I think I just politely told her we had a rule against it, even though I was sure that they would be good chaperones.) In private, I told my son I wouldn't allow it even if he were handcuffed to her father!

    Even after age 21 there were no overnights with girls in our house. ONE time, when he was in high school, we woke up to find that a girlfriend was there (she was downstairs and he was up - but still). Her mother had dropped her off in the wee hours of the morning when they were Black Friday shopping. We advised BOTH of them - AND her mother - that wouldn't happen again. Now, this past time, at age 21, we didn't care where HE slept. But no women overnight in OUR house.

    Truthfully, I'd have been more lax after age 18, IF he was doing things right. Jabber, however, really is just plain old fashioned.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    No, I never let my kids have overnights with the opposite sex, and they never would have even thought to ask if they could.

    Lil, I can't believe you had parents ask! I missed out on that one, while parenting my olders.

    However, when I moved in with my hubby, he was allowing his son (oldest D C) to have his girlfriend spend the night. D C was 17 at the time, I think. Not sure if it happened earlier. It wasn't something I supported, but didn't feel it was any of my business. He said later that he was wrong and that he wouldn't do it again. I think he mostly allowed it hoping that it would keep D C in school if he gave in to his wishes. That "parenting out of fear" thing. Difficult Child pretty much ran the house at that point.
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    More than once. I can think of two girls for sure who's mom's asked if he could just sleep over - and then the one who dropped her off after we were in bed, though she may have been one of the two. Yeah...kind of speechless. His best friend at the time had his girlfriend move in with them. This was HIGH SCHOOL - under 18.

    But you know, my parents were very straight-laced and still my brother's fiancé (girlfriend with a promise ring at the time) moved in with us after she had a fight with the woman she was living with (not a parent, she living with friends of the family after her parents divorced). She called my brother crying and he told my parents, "I'm going to get her and bringing her home." They put a cot in my room. She lived with us for several months, close to a year, and when she turned 18 they got married and she just moved from my bedroom to his. She was still a senior in high school when they got married. This was maybe 1980. I guess that's why I'm more open-minded than Jabber is about it; still, casually sleeping over? NO.
  7. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Interesting responses. I like reading your thought processes behind this.

    I, of course, allowed this, LOL. I mean, challenging kid was 20 when he finally got his act together enough to move back home. He was respectful, helpful, doing things to move forward in his life. I remember what it's like to be 20.... so, yeah, overnights were allowed.

    Now in my typical see-saw fashion, the party line as the kids were growing up, for *all* of them, was no sex before marriage. Not based on religious beliefs, but more on safety issues, avoiding unplanned parenthood, and giving my kids an "out" ("Mom said no sex before marriage") if they wanted/needed it.

    But I am a realist, especially when it comes to challenging kid. He was staying in the basement when he came home, and the 2 younger kids were upstairs, so there was a geographical separation. The girls (okay, women) he had stay were always ones he was in a relationship with (I couldn't have dealt with a steady stream of strangers), and he *always* asked beforehand. The "rule" was that the only people allowed to have sex in my house were hubby and me. Do I think challenging kid complied with that rule? Nah. Did I expect him to - a 20/21/22/23-year-old? Nah. Did I want to avoid awkward naked encounters and unsettling sound effects? You bet. Has he had sex in my house? I have no proof of it, and that's the way I want it. Of course he did, but... I'm blissfully unaware.

    Middle son hasn't had a date yet - though I finally did grow a pair and tell him that at age 21, it was time for him to move out of my house and start living his own life. Plus, I couldn't stand that he would just not go to work, not call in, but not get fired. Drove me CRAZY. So he's moved to a new time zone, and maybe he's had his first date by now, or more, but.... if he were to call and say he's coming home to visit and bringing Charlene (or Fred - who knows) - fine by me. Same rule applies. Can sleep in same bed but "no sex".

    Ditto daughter who is now 18 and at college. Hubby would have a cow and I'd probably have to restrain him, but I don't believe in double standards.

    Sex is part of life, in my humble opinion. Yes, I actually do wish they'd wait until marriage - not out of any moral thing, but more for the gift of giving oneself. But... that's my hindsight talking. My kids are actually much more hung up on sex and nudity than I ever was (the perils of having a mom who grew up in and embraced the 70's???) but... so far, they've all been responsible and respectful and smart - even challenging kid so.... yeah, I don't have a problem with overnight guests.
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  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    If my adult kids came to visit from out of state with a SO, I would not mind if they stayed in the same room.

    My thoughts were more directed to adult kids who still live at home and don't support themselves completely.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Our adult sons, who lived home for 2 years after college due to exorbitant school loans, did have their gfs stay over. They are both in long term relationships with these girls and have both moved out to live with them early this year. Everyone has lots of loans so hopefully weddings in the next few years. They both followed all house rules and sons and gfs were a delight. It was only a few nights per month so not a big deal.

    Oh and with Difficult Child we did let him have a six month relationship girlfriend stay with us for a while. Long story but her mom was having an affair on dad and mom moved out and it was just a mess. Son was about 17 and looking back it was just stupid. We felt sorry for her. We let her stay a month and then told her she needed to go home. Again, it was us stupidly trying to make our son happy. He was doing well at that time...until he wasn't.
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    For me, the answer is no. I understand that an adult child may still be living at home for whatever the reason, going to school, working to save money for school or a house, or they continue to sponge off mom and dad. It doesn't matter the reason, the parent is doing the child a favor by allowing them to continue to live at home. Wanting to have an overnight guest is crossing the line. If you allow that it makes it very comfortable for them and they may never want to leave.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think I was the only parent in the group that objected to the whole "sleep" over. I am also about 20 years older than most of the parents. perhaps if it were a long term relationship, I would not if the kiddo was doing right in other areas.
    I my 2 older kids would never have asked period. I would definitely not allow a revolving door or a hook-up. To avoid the whole is this a serious relationship vs. a hook-up my answer is just no. I would be to uncomfortable with all that going on.
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis were both very generous. I'm sure you made a difference in that girls life.

    No way will my adult son be allowed a sleepover. That privilege is for when you've on your own...though when I was engaged my mother allowed it since we lived states away.
  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    husband at 15 after we'd become friends, but a couple of years before we became an "item", used to sleep over at our house quite frequently to escape his father's abuse.

    I slept in my room with the family German Shepherd, and husband slept in the basement on an old sofa. He also ate a lot of meals at our house. It got to the point that my dad used just say, "Oh. I see Stu's staying over. I better run out and get another chicken."

    Even after we had moved in together an were engaged, my parents would not allow us to share a bed. Their house. Their rules.
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  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    That would have been Jabber's parents too. I don't think we ever tried to stay at their house overnight until after we were married, but even then Jabber felt weird about it. LOL We were well into our 30's when we married. We got engaged in September, married in April and in between in February, he moved in with me. He still got the "living in sin" talk. :roflmao: Face it never stop being a parent.

    I laugh about it, but my extended family, aunts and uncles, were the same way. I had one uncle refuse to perform the ceremony for my first marriage because we were living together. That makes zero sense to me - I told him, "Well, if you marry us we won't BE living in sin anymore, will we?" One aunt, the night my father died and I was totally exhausted and distraught, wouldn't allow me and my boyfriend to sleep in the same room, with TWIN BEDS. I had to sleep in my newly deceased father's bed! Personally, I think that's going a bit overboard.
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  15. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    My dad just put the damned dog in my room and ordered him to "guard". He liked Stu, but if he'd come into my room, he'd have eaten him.

    What's funny is that Once we were legally married and allowed to share a bed, we never, as long as Stu lived, got comfortable enough to "do anything", and both of us wore proper pajamas.

    The pajamas thing stemmed for Stu's early teen years when my mother ran into him in the hallway as he was heading to the bathroom, clad in boxers and a t-shirt. She went right out and bought a pair of PJs to keep at the house the next day.
  16. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    My husband slept walked nude right into the guest room where Mom for every Xmas he gets pjs....true story!
  17. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Stu wasn't nude, TG, as my mother probably would've had a heart attack on the spot, but seeing him in his underwear was apparently more of an eyeful than she could cope with.

    Those pajamas got worn ONLY when we visited my family and until Stu was working steadily, my mother used to buy him PJs whenever he grew out of his current pair.

    What bugged my dad was that at 15, Stu had serious facial and body hair.
  18. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    True story: My husband and I were high school sweethearts and we got married at 22. We both came from old fashioned families and this kind of question, back in the late '70s would never even have to be asked - that would have been about as insane a concept ever imagined.
    AFTER we were married in 1981, we were invited up to husband's parent's weekend cabin upstate. My mother in law grabbed my suitcase when I walked in and informed me I'd be sleeping in the room with snoring Grandma, and husband would sleep on couch downstairs. I was thunderstruck - we were married! There were plenty of empty bedrooms, but she just flat out said this is where we were going to be sleeping. We were too young and polite to go against her rules in her house, even though we were married. That only lasted one night, though. The following night my husband said we were going to take one of the empty rooms and there was no pushback. Grandma snored all night, it was just horrible! mother in law was a piece of work.
  19. jetsam

    jetsam Member

    i agree with sash, I do allow his girlfriend to sleep over. I also said only if he waist a relationship no stream of strangers. I guess my letting him is somewhat selfish...He just behaves so much better when she is here lol . He is not as rude, will actually clean his room before she comes, Takes showers more... its a win for me. My husband feels the same as I do. Is it inconvenient at times yes but i guess I'm selfish in that i want it more peaceful and this affords me this from time to time. also i am a realist too. Plus I had sex before marriage and would feel hypocritical . No my parents would never have allowed it...but desperate times call for desperate measures in my case. lol
  20. jetsam

    jetsam Member

    I do have to add my son is 29 and before he was of 21 and of legal age this was never allowed.