WhyDoWeFallBruce?
Member
A few thoughts on respect and staying truthful.
Just before my son went to rehab ( and eventually skipped that shortly after) I sat with him and had a talk. We had cycled to a lakeside nearby and sat there, overlooking the view while he talked about the stuff he wanted to do, the things that he wanted to change, and so on. And then it dawned on me; all that talk. All those words about applying for jobs or going back to school. On and on. Every time its the same story. He does this for one reason only: to keep me off his back. This is a pattern I know very well and have seen him practice for years.
So I revisited my decision from last year when I told him to make a choice, that ultimately ended in him moving out.
I tell him what I told him back then:
You do not have to make any promises to anyone. Make them to yourself instead, Son.
Your choice to do (anything in life) and not mine.
Your responsibility to make it happen, not anyone else's.
So make it happen.
Or stop talking about it.
Get help when needed, but respect that help. Or it too will run out.
All this is said with love.
I also repeat this to myself, to remember that it is not productive for me to worry about stuff that I cannot do anything about.
I think it was Melody Beattie who said that worrying in itself makes no difference whatsoever?
So true.
Since he came back from rehab, he has ghosted me completely which is a disrespectful thing to do to anyone, let alone one´s parent.
It fine to have no contact, if necessary, but I believe its always best, to be honest about it and say why.
This is for me a rule of thumb in any relationship and is not about being a father.
As of right now, he can still rely on his highly codependent mother and grandmother to "help" him out. This appears to not end soon.
The addicts´ repeating behavior is well known to many of you here; its as if you can almost write the script for the next instance.
So all I can do is sit back and watch his life go nowhere. But I keep reminding myself that is is HIS life. Not mine.
Also when the heart screams.
Just before my son went to rehab ( and eventually skipped that shortly after) I sat with him and had a talk. We had cycled to a lakeside nearby and sat there, overlooking the view while he talked about the stuff he wanted to do, the things that he wanted to change, and so on. And then it dawned on me; all that talk. All those words about applying for jobs or going back to school. On and on. Every time its the same story. He does this for one reason only: to keep me off his back. This is a pattern I know very well and have seen him practice for years.
So I revisited my decision from last year when I told him to make a choice, that ultimately ended in him moving out.
I tell him what I told him back then:
You do not have to make any promises to anyone. Make them to yourself instead, Son.
Your choice to do (anything in life) and not mine.
Your responsibility to make it happen, not anyone else's.
So make it happen.
Or stop talking about it.
Get help when needed, but respect that help. Or it too will run out.
All this is said with love.
I also repeat this to myself, to remember that it is not productive for me to worry about stuff that I cannot do anything about.
I think it was Melody Beattie who said that worrying in itself makes no difference whatsoever?
So true.
Since he came back from rehab, he has ghosted me completely which is a disrespectful thing to do to anyone, let alone one´s parent.
It fine to have no contact, if necessary, but I believe its always best, to be honest about it and say why.
This is for me a rule of thumb in any relationship and is not about being a father.
As of right now, he can still rely on his highly codependent mother and grandmother to "help" him out. This appears to not end soon.
The addicts´ repeating behavior is well known to many of you here; its as if you can almost write the script for the next instance.
So all I can do is sit back and watch his life go nowhere. But I keep reminding myself that is is HIS life. Not mine.
Also when the heart screams.
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