Round and Round and Round we go

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Oct 27, 2011.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We did the merry-go-round of family therapy again.

    It ended early with a lot of yelling on her part about how she never agreed to not being allowed to see her siblings not did she agree to supervised phone calls with us.

    I told her that her agreement wasn't necessary. That her only choice in the matter was to (a) have supervised phone calls with us or (b) do not have any phone calls. She chose (b).

    I sent the therapist an e-mail with my availablity for next month's family therapy via phone. She responded with the dates of a couple of holiday events that she thought we'd like to come down and visit during and we could do an in person family therapy then.

    Seriously? Drive 12 hours roundtrip and spend $400 to visit someone who can't hold a conversation with me without screaming at me???? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

    husband will likely go there once before Christmas to bring her gifts but he is hoping he can coordinate it with a 'guy trip' so that he is isn't just a 2-day, $400 delivery services. He'll be sure to go on a day that the therapist is off work. husband hasn't done family therapy with her in a couple of years, he hates the waste of time.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Good Grief! Guess you'll have pleasant holidays. Hugs. DDD
  3. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    I really have no advice... but, wow. Her version of the truth is all that matters (to her)... everything is all your fault. No way it could be hers. There's no getting through to that sort of reasoning is there? Or, that's how it is with my oldest daughter.

    I would consider MAILING her the gifts.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    ...I dunno, with my current situation being so similar, I think I'd seriously consider spending the money I'd have paid for gifts on the other kids.

    JJJ... :hugs: Yeah, I know.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Oh no, because there is no reason for her to work on illogical thinking in therapy because in her opinion I am the crazy one.

    I just got off the phone with husband and he has no intention of visiting her unless she begins supervised phone calls and does well for about a month with them plus has no major program violations. Thankfully, her local caseworker delivers stuff for us so I will need to see if she is going there again before Christmas, otherwise there is another local family with a child there and they have offered in the past to deliver stuff (they visit monthly) .

    We spend far less on her than we do on the others. Most of our family stopped giving to her years ago. This is the last Christmas that she gets treated as a kid (more than 1 gift). Starting next year, if she is being appropriate to us, she gets 1 gift; inappropriate to us and we make a donation in her name to a charity.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Why is this such a hard concept for difficult children to get? I know we warrior parents here aren't raising our kids to have such a sense of entitlement....I swear I think it's all the years of that stupid behavior contract where the kid 'agrees' to act halfway civil and we'll bow down and jump thru hoops for them if/when they do, because of course, we are the parents and "that's our responsibility".

    PO and the woman from the re-entry program asked difficult child, separately, where he'd like to go live upon his release from Department of Juvenile Justice and he said home with me. They each told him that would be ok with them if I changed my mind and let him. Yeah, I guess it costs no one but me any money otherwise. Nevermind that both of these people are supposedly in our lives to help difficult child not re-offend and "we need them in our lives because they know best about his best interest" and he seems to have a problem NOT re-offending when he's living with me because he thinks he can get by with murder. How much can I blame my son for saying this is what he wants when they are the supposed authoritarians and 'know what is in his best interest" and they are giving him some choice in this, given his previous offenses? Where does that sense of entitlement come from????

    Sorry- I didn't mean to hijack your thread with my mini-vent!
  7. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    I'm sorry your family is going through this. I would mail her gifts, too. You're still giving her gifts, but not putting yourself in position to be abused.

    I, too, have a daughter who blames everything on everyone else. It is hard to teach her right from wrong, when it is everyone else's fault. Personal accountability is really important to changing behavior. A book I found comforting is Character Disturbances by George K. Simon. He also has a web site, which has been a great read for me.

    Good luck. Take care of yourself and the other members of your family and have a great Christmas. Your daughter needs to learn you can't treat people poorly for years and expect them to stand there and take it forever. She needs to lie in the bed she has made for herself. Of course, she won't see it is the bed she made for herself. It will be the bed you made her lie in. :-/
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Soooo very frustrating! Don't you just want to shake the stupid out of her?? I mean, even faking it gets you things. I used to tell my difficult child that. Fake it if you have to. I did not care if her respect to me was sincere or not...I just wanted her to be respectful.

    I want to ask her, "Who do you think you are?" what does the staff do to try to get through to her??
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Staff is trying to get through to her. This is not like the last placement where they joined her in her fantasy world (all except therapist). This Residential Treatment Center (RTC) seems to get it. They are cross-staffing her with some TLP staff in the hopes that she will click with one of them and then be willing to stay in treatment.

    She was assigned a mentor when she first arrived but after he expressed his disappoint and displeasure at her choices in September, she refuses to speak to him. 'cause he judges me'. Yep Kanga, everyone judges you, everyone thinks you are 'loose', if you don't want people to think that about you, then stop being 'loose'
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    HMMMMM, do you suppose she and Onyxx are somehow related emotionally?!
  11. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Gee, maybe the staff should get gifts instead.
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I think HaoZi has a point.
  13. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

  15. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

  16. keista

    keista New Member

    Staff gifts does sound like a very nice plan.
  17. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I usually give the "home" a gift that can be used by everyone (games, etc).
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Y'all will love the latest e-mail....

    "Kanga wants to use e-mail to contact her friends. Eventually she will have off-campus access to a computer so I think it would be good to start it now so it can be supervised. She would only be allowed to use a computer during individual therapy. Here are the list of friends she is requesting to e-mail...."

    Kanga's unmitigated gall no longer surprises me. I know therapist has a point that she will get e-mail access sooner rather than later. (Can I tell you how terrified I am that she will contact the others online??????)

    Here was my response....

    It goes against every parenting instinct I possess to allow her this freedom after her behaviors in the last month. Her attitude toward us continues to be horrible. If she was living at home, the closest she'd come to a computer is an abacus. But she isn't here and I am trying very hard to let go and let your program take the lead, so she may contact S and R (two girls from her last placement).

    Please be aware that every teen on that list has severe mental illness with impaired reality and violence. Kanga has had sex with both boys on the list.
  19. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I am just starting to let difficult child 1 have e-mail. He is restricted to family (and not even all family members) only. Maybe e-mail would be a good way for therapist to help her be more appropriate with you. Let her e-mail you and have therapist and Kanga write the e-mails together. Don't actually think it'll work, but it might be worth a try.