??'s about difficult child's lying

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jody, Feb 12, 2010.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    When my difficult child is having a fit about something. She'll curse and call me all kinds of names. She recently has been yelling a lot around our animals. (That really ticks me off). I am so used to her names but the animals just know her tone of voice is scary. Well anyway, she calls me all these names and says all these curse words. She may even kick the wall, knock a chair over whatever. Then in a few minutes she will say she never said it. She will call me a B, very loudly and very clearly and then say I did not call you that. It's almost like she thinks if she says that she didn't do it that it means she can't be in any trouble for it. How does anyone scream out obscenities to someone adnd then stand there not 5 minutes later and look you right in your face and say that they didn't do it. What is the reasoning behind this and what must they think of me as a person that they think they can just say it isn't so and it's over. Does anyone experience this. I know difficult child's lie more than usual, but I have never seen anyone call you every name in the book and loud and clearly and then say they didn't do it. She will whine and cry all the way to her room. But I didn't call you any names. I swear, I didn't call you that. OMG. Drive me nuts. Is this called denial, just plain old lying. Do any of your difficult child's do this????????
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know that when some difficult children are in a "raging haze" they have no recollection afterwards as to the severity of their actions or words. As a matter of fact, many parents here, including myself, has looked into the eyes of their child during an episode and seen no trace of their kid.

    But, it doesn't sound like your daughter is in the throws of a rage (but I can't say for sure because I'm not experiencing it with you). How about setting up a recorder, either a camcorder or a tape recorder, and recording her words next time? Play it back for her and get her input.... Might suprise her, might amuse her, but it will prove your point. Just a suggestion.

  3. MICHL

    MICHL New Member

    or you could video her using your cell phone camera? I saw that on a recent "The Middle" episode. My difficult child (boy/14) is very disrespectful to me, also calls both me and husband a "B" among other curse words when he is in a nasty mood (often), unfortunately. I'm really tired of it. Lately I feel really unstable because I have been having trouble sleeping, and his antics just make me feel like my life got hit by a tsunami, or a Haiti earthquake, on that magnitude.
  4. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Unfortunately I don't have a cell phone. That's a good idea though. I might have to just get one if I can find one I can afford. I love this board, it is unfortunate but it is nice to know that you aren't the only one with these type of things going on. It really is very stressful. The calmest, most patient person, would have a big problem dealing with these issues. it never hits you out of all the problems that a child can have when they are born you never imagine this as one of them. You just never think that sweet little infant would ever curse you out like they do. If you are nervous and getting depressed it might be time to get some medicine for yourself. I hardly see any parent here that has been dealing with difficult child's that haven't been having problems themselves. I think it's almost impossible for the human mind to take so much. I see people with multiple difficult child's and I just don't know how they do it. I would be sitting in my closet hiding and rocking away. As long as I act like I am losing it maybe she might leave me alone. NOT
  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    My expereince is this was part of the mania (irritalbility/rage). I could not reason wiht it. I really would want her to take responsiblity . I have videotaped her. (CVS has paortable ones with quite a bit of time) It did help show tdocs that had not seen the rages to understand more.
    The "lying" is part of the brain siorder her reality is so-ooo differnt han mine. Today, I love, listen, accept. Compassion
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hubby started recording Miss KT during her rages several years ago. Just knowing she was being recorded toned her down a bit, and after the visit from the police officer, she realized we were serious about her behavior change. It didn't solve everything, but it did help to some extent.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Jody--

    My difficult child, too, will deny, deny deny, deny....regardless of videotaped evidence.

    I agree with what's been said here...it's an "alternate reality" that we can't quite understand.

  8. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Wow, it never occurred to me that she really doesn't remember doing it. I am just all out of compassion anymore. I don't think I even remember what that is. It's been a long time unfortunately that I think about how she feels, I just think of what it's done to our family and how much it has destroyed relationships and lost jobs and a whole list of other things. I was the black sheep in my family and i remember that it felt terrible. I do understand that I am sure that is not a nice feeling to always be the one in trouble. Then again, my other daughter probably wonders why she gets praised for not cursing for a day, or not breaking something. I don't have any patience anymore. I remember with my first child I used to play barbies and games and we had a ball. I can barely drive a few blocks in the car with difficult child. She loves to deliberately do things to push my buttons. I see in other posts that other people have it so much worse. I feel badly about my daughter driving me so insane, that I complain about it, while others have 2,3-4 difficult child's with major issues. I don't know how they manage. I couldn't take it. I just couldn't. Sorry, I am such a downer. I need to not somehow live and breath my difficult child, it's hard but i am going to try. I am defiantely going to get my child on tape one of these days. I think if she knows that her therapist will see the tape of how she really acts, that would really bother her.
  9. agee

    agee Guest

    My son does something similar to this.
    Let's say he wants something to happen, like he wants his brother to play Monopoly with him. He'll ask his brother to play, his brother says no, he'll scream and cry in reaction to it...then 1/2 hour later he'll announce to us, his brother, etc. that his brother is going to play Monopoly with him. And when he's told no, he'll protest that brother promised he'd play.
    It's like his wants = reality, even when he's told the opposite.
    This actually sums up our big problem with him, I think. All his negative reactions all day long are in response to being told no, or being told no to the same thing he had just asked us about...we get tired of the badgering so start reacting to that, and it snowballs.
    If you ask him to repeat what you've said to him, he can repeat it. It's not a memory problem. It's more like an internalization problem. Or a lack of belief in the reality of the situation.
  10. agee

    agee Guest

    Oh - and Jody? I hear you about the
    lack of patience
    and guilt for preferring one child over the other.
    I totally get it.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Jody, please try not to compare your situation to others. Just because someone has more difficult children, or their situation seems worse than yours does NOT mean that you are a downer, a whiner, or anything else. It means that YOU are at your personal stretched-too-thin-and-can't-take-any-more point. Period. That has nothing to do with how old your child is, how bad someone else's kids are, or anything else. It just means that you need support, help and respite.

    All of which are OK. Just remember, other people's experiences don't mean yours are not bad, they are just different.

    We can offer support and ideas and we are here for you. No matter how you "stack up" on some phantom misery-meter. We don't care about the misery-meter. We care about YOU.

    Last edited: Feb 15, 2010
  12. Jody

    Jody Active Member


    Thank you so much!!! I know what your saying is true, it's hard for me to remember. I work at a children's hospital. I worked all weekend and work tonight. It is my second job, but definately the most stressful. I can be in such a funk about my daughter and then I go to work and I see some of these seriously ill children and omg, do I feel like an idiot, when they are batteling cancer, and various illnesses. I carry those feelings a lot. I will definately try to do better about just letting myself have the feelings and not compare them to anyone else's situation. Now I can just let the frustration out and maybe it will be less if it's not combines with the extra guilt I put on myself. Thank you so much for reminding me. Thank goodness for all of you. I am glad that I found this board!!!! It helps so much to talk to other people who know exactly how really stressful this can be.

  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It really does help to let it out. That is part of the magic of this board.

    Just remember - NO misery-meters!!! Get a visual of a meter designed to measure misery and a big X marked across it. When you start to compare, pull up this visual. After a while it will happen automatically.

    It will help the other families you work with too. Sometimes they need to be reminded that misery meters don't exist.
  14. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Jody, I don't know if you read the Explosive Child, but there's a section in it where he describes exactly what you're talking about. They called it "vapor lock" and it really is something that 's part of the whole package!

    Good luck!

  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Hi, I have read it but it's been awhile. I remember thinking this is exactly what my life is like. I will have to reread it. Last night was a terrible blow up. She let the dogs tear up toilet paper all over the house. 2 brand new rolls and then she refused to help pick it up. It is all over the house right now. Her big sister is picking her up at 5:30 pm. ( Big Brother/Big Sister Program) I told her she is not leaving until she helps me pick it up. I have also let the big sister know that she won't be leaving if she refuses. She was hateful, cursing, screaming and carrying on. I took the dogs and went to my bedroom and engaged them in playing with their toys to keep them from being upset because of the tirade. I need to get my house cleaned up, but I am stressed and I just don't have the energy. When things are going smoothly. I just want to have a break. I am off this weekend and hope that I can get it done. I know that it would be better for my difficult child and everyone else if I could get organized and stay organized. SOme people have that naturally and I don't. I sure wish I did. I don't know if it's pure laziness or if life is so stressful I have just put it on the back burner. I wish I could afford a housekeeper but I wouldn't even let one in right now. LOL.

    Thanks for listening, I am rambling about everything. Back on subject, hopefully I can find my book, if not I will go get anotehr copy. I think it's good to keep it around.

  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    My son does the same thing.
    Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he doesn't. He's never consistent.
    I've never had a chance to record him. In the heat of the moment, I always forget. ;)
    I agree with-the others, you've got to separate your work from your home life. They are completely separate.

    Sounds like your daughter needs more therapy and a medication change. So sorry. Sigh.