School Issues (fighting with kids)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by allhaileris, Feb 5, 2009.

  1. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    I know so many of you have it so much worse, but I am still in the same boat - frustrated and not sure of what to do.

    husband texted me just now saying E had a bad day at school again today (she's been having bad days since coming back from winter break). Today she annoyed her teacher to the point they couldn't get anything done. She fought with, kicked and stole from the girl who she always does this with (I knew the first time they met they would be best friends/motral enemies/both). She kept staring at another girl and got her the girl exploded. And I'm sure more because this is what I'm getting from a text message.

    At this point she's stole from the teacher, from classmates. She won't do her work. She doesn't get to do fun things because she won't do said work. She makes other kids mad (I'm guessing because she doesn't realize what affect it really has).

    Oh, and yesterday she said one of the boys said he wanted to give her a cigarette - they're 6!! (She knows they're bad, I don't know how much of the story is true and all I can do with that is keep the conversation open).

    Her teacher has an child on the spectrum, so she knows what it's like, but I think she's getting tired of the other kids losing out because of E's actions. husband says the teacher often looks wiped out at the end of the day.

    And yes, we have the IEP, aides, extra parent in the room, blah blah blah. I just don't know how to get it through to her that she needs to behave in class! Sometimes we sit and talk and tell her what she's doing hurts others and herself. Sometimes it works, but lately (the past couple weeks) it has not.

    Is there something that you could do to get your younger kids to behave in class? Any sage words to offer?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you thought of putting her into a smaller classroom? They really helped my son. He was less distracted and less overstimulated and he learned more than he could have in a big class. He WAS mainstreamed at least half the time, but had reading and math in Special Education.
  3. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    Good suggestion, but she only has 15 kids in her class right now. Most for her grade are 20. And with the other "parent teacher" in the class it ends up that they're broken into smaller groups of 7 or 8.
  4. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    If an FBA hasn't been done, you may want to consider it.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of hugs to you. I remember my difficult child at that age, daily he struggled at school. I'm sure his teacher was exhausted. For my difficult child, it really took him til he was in 3rd grade for him to be at a point where he even began to care what other kids thought of him. There is hope, as much as he struggles at home still he is doing a ton better behavioraly at school.

    To be honest (and I'm a teacher) there is only so much you can do at home. I found letting the school deal with the disciplining was the best thing unless he was suspended, then I made him do school work and eat boring foods on that day.

    Does she have a BIP so that when she starts to escalate at school there is a plan to help her? Does she have planned breaks into her day? Is there a space in the room, like a bean bag chair, she could go to when she feels she needs a quiet break? Do they give her fidgets to help with any sensory issues? My difficult child used to use those a lot at that age.
  6. MDL

    MDL New Member

    Hi Sandy,

    I'm new here but your post really resonates with me. I have a six-year-old son in the 1st grade who cannot leave his classmates alone. He is disruptive in class, rude to people around him, and finds offense with everyone else.

    This is my son, too. Also, he never learns from his mistakes, he just repeats them over and over. He acts as if there's a specific set of rules that apply only to him. Why do you think they don't realize their affect on others? Is it part of ODD, or part of being six, or something else? My son never shows remorse or regret unless he thinks it will get him out of trouble, and then of course I'm not sure he's really feeling it.

    My son spends a lot of time out of the classroom, either sitting at a "cool down" table in the hallway, or in the reading specialist's room so that he can focus on his reading and writing, or in the behavioral specialist's office in a time-out. At this point I worry that he's not in the classroom enough and not learning. The school spends a lot of time and energy removing him, which is good for him and good for the class, but he needs to be in the classroom, too.

    Do you think your daughter would benefit from having a "cool down" place outside of the classroom? My son's teachers have done a good job of helping him see when he's losing it and needs to take a break.
  7. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    What is an FBA and and BIP?

    Yes, she has a bumpy pillow thing on her seat to help give her something for her sensory imput. I'm not sure what else I can have there with her to help with this, she usually wears a necklace that she could figdet with if she needs to. Maybe a squishy ball?

    I don't know if she's allowed to get up and go sit in a quiet area away from the group she's supposed to be in. I know they have a little reading area, but to go outside the classroom means to go outside as we're in CA and there are no hallways indoors. I doubt that her teacher would feel safe with her outside sitting on a bench or something.

    At the beginning of the year we had the same issue with her aide coming in and getting her when it was time for a lesson, then she wouldn't learn the lesson and was behind. Now they've worked that out and I think it's better for her to be included in as many lessons as possible.

    husband decided to keep her home from school today, but she was stuffy yesterday and when she woke up she said she didn't want to go to school and was crying at everything and I think that her being a little sick maybe contributed to her behavior over the past couple days. She doesn't like to tell me when she's sick, so for her to admit it means she's really not feeling well.

    ALSO, the girl who she has this love/hate relationship with - I know they're friends, they sit together at lunch, play at recess, she talks about her a lot, but they fight and hit and steal from each other. E wants to have a playdate with her and husband said she could. I'm wondering if we get them together for some playdates, and we're able to focus on their interaction outside of the class, will it help them stop fighting?
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Sandy--

    My daughter used to have kids that she LOVED and she considered them her very best friends...and yet she used to be so mean to them all the time. I never realized how bad difficult child was treating these kids until we tried to invite them over for playdates. The other parents would not only say 'No way'--but they actually asked us to please never invite their child over fact, they would have preferred to keep difficult child as far away from their child as possible. And, of course, our daughter had no understanding that it was her own actions that were driving other kids away.

    I hope that it is not the same situation with your daughter....but just in case, you may want to be prepared when you invite other children for playdates. Talk to the other parents before letting your child know that you are planning a get-together. It may avoid some hurt feelings.

    I'm sorry that I don't have any suggestions for controlling her behavior during school. I agree with Sharon--there's really not much you can do at home that will carry-over into class the next day.

    Sending support and gentle hugs...

  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    A FBA is a Functional Behavior Analysis. It is a "questionaire" that is completed by all those in school (and youself) who have daily contact with your daughter. It lists "triggers" and "trends" that are noticed by the teacher(s) just prior to or during the behavior in question. It lists things that have worked in the past to distract, redirect, and calm your child. You may have some suggestions that you use at home.

    Once that docment is complete, the FBA is used to write a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP). It is what it sounds like - the information from the FBA is used to come up with interventions to help your daughter and prevent the severity and number of behavior issues. The team (IEP team) may come up with some rewards that can be used to motiviate her. For example, calming down upon direction may result in feeding the fish, or watering the classroom plants. A whole day of good behavior can result in "special game time" with mom at home. A week of good decisions and hard work could mean she gets to go to the assistant principal's office and have a book read to her Friday before she goes home. It is as creative a document as needed. Once formulated, the BIP gets attached to the IEP and everyone who comes in contact (art teacher, main teacher, PE teacher, etc.) is given a copy. The plan is to be followed as it is part of her education plan.

    It's really difficult when our difficult children are young. Surely they know that particular behaviors or wrong. But they are just little children without the ability to express what is deep inside. Often the feeling, frustrations and emotions within storm out in bad behavior.

    Good luck.