Running_for_the_shelter
New Member
Every relationship, whether it's a friendship, a marriage, one between co-workers, etc is a living thing. It's not as simple as "nurture them, they thrive; neglect them, they die" although there is truth in that. Living things are unpredictable so we can't say for certainty what will happen with any relationship. They all have ups and downs; some should be terminated. Certainly in cases of physical abuse a person should go. But sometimes, there are changes in life that change the marriage.
I had doubts about where mine was going for a number of years. husband was never physically abusive, but he's not very emotionally available, either. And yet, to a large degree that was why I picked him: I grew up in a very volatile family and husband's calmness and reserve was incredibly attractive. Sometimes the things that bring you together are the things that drive you apart. At any rate, his fundamental personality wasn't going to change and neither was mine ... and I wasn't happy. But then there was a confluence of events and we "found" each other again and we've been doing rather well for a couple of years now. I could never have predicted it.
I would like to recommend two books. They aren't recent, but should be available somewhere. One is "Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and How They Fail" by Maggie Scarf. It's an easy read that investigates why people choose the people they do and how families function. I found it enlightening since I knew very well what was a bad family situation but not really much about the mechanics of a good one.
The other book is "Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade after Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein. husband's parents divorced when he was young and he never got over it. When I was growing up, I used to wish my parents would divorce but after reading this book, I wondered if perhaps it was better that they hadn't. As I remember, one of the points was how much of a financial penalty women and children ending up paying. The book was not a treatise against divorce at all -- some people were clearly better off. The book is valuable in that you can see some statistics and perhaps understand some of the consequences more clearly. [Personally, I'm disturbed by how often a woman's new partner abuses the woman's children by a previous partner ... and too often women get into another relationship too quickly. But that's another story and not related to the book at all.]
So there are a few thoughts for you. I hope you check out the books and see if they help clarify any issues for you. Good luck and best wishes.
I had doubts about where mine was going for a number of years. husband was never physically abusive, but he's not very emotionally available, either. And yet, to a large degree that was why I picked him: I grew up in a very volatile family and husband's calmness and reserve was incredibly attractive. Sometimes the things that bring you together are the things that drive you apart. At any rate, his fundamental personality wasn't going to change and neither was mine ... and I wasn't happy. But then there was a confluence of events and we "found" each other again and we've been doing rather well for a couple of years now. I could never have predicted it.
I would like to recommend two books. They aren't recent, but should be available somewhere. One is "Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and How They Fail" by Maggie Scarf. It's an easy read that investigates why people choose the people they do and how families function. I found it enlightening since I knew very well what was a bad family situation but not really much about the mechanics of a good one.
The other book is "Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade after Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein. husband's parents divorced when he was young and he never got over it. When I was growing up, I used to wish my parents would divorce but after reading this book, I wondered if perhaps it was better that they hadn't. As I remember, one of the points was how much of a financial penalty women and children ending up paying. The book was not a treatise against divorce at all -- some people were clearly better off. The book is valuable in that you can see some statistics and perhaps understand some of the consequences more clearly. [Personally, I'm disturbed by how often a woman's new partner abuses the woman's children by a previous partner ... and too often women get into another relationship too quickly. But that's another story and not related to the book at all.]
So there are a few thoughts for you. I hope you check out the books and see if they help clarify any issues for you. Good luck and best wishes.