sentenced to one year.......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Jul 8, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I was just looking at my sons info on the detention center site and it said he was sentenced to one year - I dont even know what that means - one year what - probation - prison - jail - what? How do I find out? thanks
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, as tough as it is, you don't have to worry about whether or not you will be strong enough to not let him come home for a while. I don't know how to tell where his sentence will be served without seeing it. Can you cut and paste just the sentence part - not his name or anything that would identify him? It must say something other than just "one year". If there are initials before or after, that will probably identify where he will be.

    Sorry for your pain, and keep your chin up.
  3. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    It doesnt have any initials or anything - it just says the date - today- and sentenced to oneyear - I wonder if the jail time he has served will count or not or if the sentence just starts now - who knows - I will PM you the site if you want - thanks
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    No, that's ok, Susan. I think you will have to just wait to talk to his PO. It seems like if there was a "time served" or something they would have said so. But then again, it seems like if they were saying "ABC Prison", they'd say "ABC" or something, too.

    Get some rest, and take care. It's really late there! Maybe a nice warm bath and a glass of wine to settle you in for the evening? Or a cool bath if it's sweltering there.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks - thanks for staying up with me!
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sending calming and peaceful vibes....
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks so much! Everyone is up late tonight!
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Now I'm up late! ;) I'm on the West Coast, so it's only (only 11:30. We've been painting the kitchen and family room ceiling. Here's a helpful hint - all cans of ceiling paint from the same brand and style do not match, so if you need more than one can, you need to mix them together first, then paint with the mixture or your ceiling will be stripy... UGH! So, teeth, face, bed, Leno for me.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Susan}}} More calming vibes being sent your way.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Moderator Staff Member

    From my experience sitting in courtrooms and listening to verdicts handed down...not to mention reading paperwork...when they give a sentence it will read something like this:

    John Doe, you are convicted of XYZ, an H felony with a maximum sentence of X and a minimum sentence of Y. You are being sentenced to 1 year in the Department of Corrections.

    At that point the clerk of the court looks at the paperwork from the jail and figures up how much time served the inmate has and that leaves the actual time he has to serve.

    Like in Cory's case he was convicted on two separate counts but they combined charges on those counts. So he actually was sentenced to two H felonies and two I felonies and the two H felonies got him 8 to 10 months, and the two I's got him 6 to 8 which would be served concurrently. However those sentences were set aside in favor of 30 days active...with 1 day time served, house arrest, 6 months of intensive probation, and 36 months of supervised probation. All this was read in court and listed on his probation papers along with his restitution and court costs.

    I never checked the website to see if it listed his sentence...I dont think they do that here but they may.
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I called the PO and he said call the PD! So Ic alled them and they said he was sentenced to one year but they gave him the time he had already served so he wont really sserve one year - however, now I feel guilty because I havent run down there to see him off! I just dont think I can go - I have tried so hard to keep my emotions in check and back off - not from telling him how much I love him but from the craziness of it all - I have done it too many times - I will write him and ask him if he needs anything or whatever but Id ont think I can go face to face right now - I am afraid he will cry and I will too - what do you think?
  12. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Member

    Susan, Hugs to you. You've really had a hard time with this. My best advice is NOT to even contact your son. You don't have to run to him every second of every day of his life. Your son knows where you are and how to contact you. HE IS 24 YEARS OLD! A grown man!

    In your heart of hearts can you honestly answer the question........... Do I really want my son to grown up and to be morally and mentally sound? If you answer yes, to this question, you'll know that you have to let HIM do that on his own without you interfering in his life and enabling his bad choices.

    If you answer no, you'll continue to do what you have always done, cry, fret, rescue, take care of mama's little 24 YEAR OLD BOY!!!)

    I wonder why it is that your WHOLE sense of self is wrapped up in mothering/babying a 24 year old grown man?????????? That is a huge problem! This is your problem Susan and one you need to look very closely at more than likely with a skilled therapist.

    You are so much more than a 24 yr. old man's mama! Aren't you a mother to other children too? Don't they matter as much? Aren't you also a teacher? Aren't you also a WIFE? I'm pretty sure I've read that you have a counselor.

    I feel pretty certain that you need to change and find someone else and you need to see them often. I really feel that you are in crisis mode and have been for some time. Susan, you need to do this for YOU! Please let us know that you have sought out help for yourself. {{{hugs!}}}
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks! I appreciate the support.
  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    If he was going off to summer camp I would see him off.

    If he was going off to college I would see him off.

    If he joined the military and was going off to boot camp I would see him off....or was getting shipped out to a military assignment, I would see him off.

    I'm sure you see where I'm going with this...

    I would see him off on any and all positive moves.

    Reward the good behavior, let him experience the consequences of negative actions on his own.

    Suz
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I agree 10000 percent with the advice you got from Suz.

    I dont' think you have to go find him - I think eventually when he runs out of options - he'll contact you wanting something.

    If he doesn't? Then that's a bonus - and maybe he's growing up and trying to take care of himself. That would be answer to prayer.

    No son does not know that his mother doesn't love him like you do Sue. Let him go. Take care of you!

    Hugs
  16. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I dont really have any advise, just wanted to send some cyber support your way and let you know that you are in my prayers. Hang in there and God bless. :)
  17. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Susan - I am sending you support and hugs as I can "hear" in your typing that your mommy heart is hurting. I really wish I had some words that would help you through this.

    You need to see your therapist and try and work through all of your worries.

    I had almost 1 1/2 years after my GFG was out of my house of constant guilt feelings. But, I decided during that time, she had to start taking responsibility for her actions. It wasn't my fault that she chose to steal, lie, do drugs, etc. She decided at that point in her life that those things and the people associated with them were more important to her than her family or her self-esteem.

    She has made tremendous improvements during the past year. Not always making the choices I would, but is trying. I give her alot of credit for that.

    I know I am rambling so I hope you can make sense of it all. I just want to say, at some point, you have to pull back and let things happen to your GFG.
  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes you are right. I just wish I had all the answers sometimes!!!! Like Ihope he tries to figure out where he will live when he gets out.
  19. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Put together a list of homeless shelters in your community. Check out the YMCA to see if they have rooms to rent. If he can't find some place else to live, you can hand him the list and you can take comfort that you helped him help himself.

    Suz
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sending warm (((hugs)))

    I know this is really hard for you. You've gotten some great advice.

    This too shall pass.
  21. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I went to see him. He wasnt crying. He is still very decided about the way he wants to live. He still needs his Xanax. He wants to go to NA meetings but not a lock down rehab. He wants to get a job and save money to buy a moped. He asked if he could come home - I did not answer - I said most of the time it did not work and that he needed to find his own place. I wish he could find a cheap apartment somewhere and have a roommate and live how ever he wants. He said he would be alright not to worry about him. I dont believe any of what he said - he still trys to make excuses for the reason he is behind bars. So I am just done and I wont obsess about it. He may die and I know that - I just hate to think about it.
  22. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Susan, I know that you know that the appropriate answer to his asking to come home was "no". When you tease him with "it never worked out before" you give him permission to wear you down. Are you afraid that he is going to yell at you? Or is it that he might hate you? Or that he thinks you will hate him if you say no? Let me tell you something. He doesn't care about you one tenth as much as he cares about xanax. You are just a means to an end. Look at it this way - if you had said "no", he could have moved on to finding someplace of his own to go to. You prevented that, because he knows there's a chance that he can come home, do drugs in your home, steal from you with little consequence, and not have to get a job. It's the cushiest offer out there, and he's not going to look for anything else when there's a good chance you're going to cave. If you said "maybe" in person, "no" in a letter won't work. You have to have the guts to look him in the eye and say "No."

    Did you go to your Al-Anon meeting today? If you had, you probably would not have gone to see him, or if you did, you would have stood up for yourself. I think you need to go. Tell them that you don't want him home and you don't know how to help him. They'll help you out more than we can.

    Again, I'm very frustrated that you tell us that we are so helpful and that we have such great ideas as to how to not get sucked in by him and how to help him help himself, and then you go to see him without a plan, and you don't tell him he can't come home.
  23. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I truly understand your going to see him. I know that no matter how hard it would be, I would see my daughter. I would want to give her what comfort I could, let her know that I was still her mother and that I loved her. So, I'm probably the oddball on this way, but I totally agree with you seeing him.

    I also think Witz is right that you simply should have told him "no" when he asked about coming home. I can only imagine how hard that no would be to get out -- I know how hard it was for me to tell mine that she couldn't come home when her friends had had enough of her behavior. It hurt. I felt like I was tearing my heart out. When I got off the phone, I sobbed for 3 hours non-stop. At the same time, I knew it was what I had to say. She could not treat our home as a revolving door in between "friends." She needed to understand that coming truly meant following the rules and that if the rules were broken, she would be moving out (which is what ultimately happened).

    Your son needs to know that so long as he is using drugs, does not complete an in-patient rehab program, he cannot come home. Like my daughter, he needs to hear it. They are two that need things explicity spelled out. Anything less gives them an excuse to interpret things their own way.
  24. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    It was hard for me to say those words, too. The reason it was hard to say no had nothing to do with GFG. It had to do with me. Until I knew in my own heart that helping GFG was only helping his addiction to destroy him, I just could not make those words, "You cannot live at home." come out of my mouth.

    "No, I will not send money." was pretty hard to say, too.

    When we were in your situation, I would convince myself that I could allow GFG home for just a few days. Then, I would convince myself that this time, things would be better ~ or that I was strong enough now to do what needed to be done when the necessity arose.

    None of those things were true.

    The thing that makes it all so hard is that the child (however old he is) IS serious, some of the time, about wanting his life to go in a different direction. What we have to make ourselves remember though is that it is the addiction, not the child, that is in control.

    And the last thing that addiction wants is a different path or a better life.

    Once the addiction is beat, your son will not need your help.

    Until the addiction is beat, helping is not helping.

    So, the only answer any of us can give our addicted kids, however old they are (my son just turned thirty-three) is NO.

    Literally, everything we give them while they are addicted serves the addiction.

    It is never going to get any easier to say no, Susan.

    You have to do it, anyway.

    Helping your son stay addicted, sympathizing with him over withdrawal, pretending with him that the addiction is only to prescription drugs ~ all those actions are bad things.

    When your son tells you about Xanax, tell him he can never use that ~ or any addictive drug ~ again. Take that opportunity to tell him it was the addiction that got him where he is, and that using drugs of any kind will see his life destroyed.

    Then, tell him you love him too much to help him destroy himself or to watch him do it.

    He isn't going to like that.

    You have to do it, anyway.

    Unless we prepare ahead of time, unless (for me, anyway) I envision the worst case and believe that to be true, whatever GFG says...I get sucked back in, too.

    The moped thing is a manipulation, Stands.

    A moped is something you might believe would make it possible for a kid to find work and start heading into the right direction in his life.

    And that day may come.

    But it cannot come until he proves himself, first.

    Nothing can come until he proves himself, first.

    Nothing.

    Because that moped could be sold for drugs, too. Worse yet, it is the first chink in your armor. This isn't about how much to help, it's about understanding that any help we give the kids services the addiction.

    I still question how much not to help, I still catch myself wanting to believe that, somehow, GFG means what he says ~ even if I KNOW he is using.

    I agree that "NO" is the word the kids need to hear if they are ever going to take responsibility for themselves.

    It's incredibly hard to speak it, though.

    Barbara

    P.S. We are not hearing so much from GFG, these days. The last time we did hear from him...the old patterns were becoming increasingly evident.

    All we can tell ourselves, like you and your DH may need to learn too, Stands, is that GFG tried and didn't make it.

    He came close, though.

    Addiction is a terrible thing.
  25. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes it is hard. I dont want to help his addiction. I did tell him about the Xanax and how that drug helped him get where he is - that it is used to barter, sell, take and who knows what else. I said why do yu want something you are addicted to thatgets you in trouble - he said he would take it as prescribed and that ithelped him stay calm! that is a lie. I cant believe he can still think that - I just stood there thinking he has not changed at all - and that eventually I will have to let him go and do drugs by himself - I cannot help him anymore - what a waste! I will tell him that - unless he stops using pot, xanax and wants to live by our rules - go to a rehab - he cant live at home - I am not going around that merry go round again.
  26. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susan

    My best friend is an addict. She moved from alcohol to prescription narcatics and psych meds. When that wasn't enough, she progressed to heorine. It has been horrible to watch this once bright, funny, intelligent woman turn into a person who only cares about her next fix.

    She's not what typically comes to mind when you think of a heroine addict. Not yet, anyway.

    She's called me telling me her kids were starving. I took them some spare food from my pantry. I did this a couple of times believing it was ok because I wasn't giving her money. Then it hit me. If I was her safety net to feed her kids when she blew all her money for drugs, what difference did it make? I was still helping her to buy them.

    The last 2 times she's called to tell me they're starving I've said I'm sorry but I can't help you. Followed by if you don't spend all your money on drugs there would be plenty for food.

    She called me begging for 20.00 for gas to get to work. My answer was No.

    It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

    This woman is my best friend. I love her like a sister. Once we were very very close. Now the drug and her next fix is the center of her universe. Her husband doesn't matter. Her kids don't matter. (except superficially) And I don't matter. Just getting the next dose of that drug. And if she can't get heroine, then how to get something that is close. She will do anything, say anything to appease those around her. It doesn't matter if she lies, because the drug is all that matters. She will tell you exactly what you want to hear, while doing exactly what she wants to do. Because the drug is the center of her universe. You mean nothing.

    This is how an addict thinks while the drug has them in their grip. It's hard for us to get that because we know the person who came before the addict.

    Twice now she has supposedly attempted to come off the herione. No go. She might have stopped herione, but smoking pot and chomping down vicodin and percocets by the handful is still using.

    I won't fall for it again.

    I don't call her anymore. I do answer when she calls. (there is always that faint hope) But I let 90 percent of what she says run straight thru. Until she is clean and sober, she is not the person I used to know as my best friend. She is an addict.

    You need to practice telling your son No. Stand in front of a mirror if you have to. But No is the only way you can help him. When I read your post, even I got the impression you might consider letting him return home. Yes, I know you put limits on that. But you have to remember, an addict will do anything, say anything to get what they want.

    He won't understand while he's an addict. But when he's clean and sober, he will.

    (((hugs)))
  27. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Right now I feel like I have lost the person in him I knew. I feel he has lost his heart. Sometimes I just dont know if he will ever been clean and sober again. He doesnt seem to want to be. He will be going to prison for about 6 months. I worry about him but I have to give it up. I will go on with my life the best I can and savor the years I had with him and thank God for them. I know I sound sappy but sometimes this whole thing just gets to me. I was strong yesterday when I went to see him and he was strong standing there basically telling me the way he wants to live. I will say to him that no you cannot come home if this is the way you are going to live. You need to find somewhere else to be. Only with the help of God will I be able to do that.
  28. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

  29. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Susan, you have indeed lost that person. It's like that addict climbs into your son's skin and speaks to you in your son's voice to try to trick you into helping him stay a junkie. I think you are right to tell him that he can not come home if that is the way he wants to live, but I think that there is a stronger way to word it, because that person in your son's skin will tell you he will change or can control it. Instead, tell him "You can't come back until you aren't living that way any more." Susan, seriously, he can't ever do xanax again.

    Saying that he will only take it with a prescription is a lie to himself and a lie to any doctor foolish enough to give it to him. Rush Limbaugh is a great example of this. He had one prescription for oxicodone, and got hooked, so he got 5 more, and that is where he got in trouble. Cindy McCain is another example. She had prescriptions for percocet and vicodin, to which she became addicted. Eventually doctors stopped prescribing for her, and she stole drugs because she had the connections to do so. Just like them, your son got into trouble when he started to have problems getting the prescriptions and using them in a therapeutic way.

    You see, really, the legal problems often come when the doctors stop writing the prescriptions, or when the patient needs more than the doctor will write the prescription for. And it's not just people like your son, it's people that we all think that we know and that we all assume would never do anything like that. It's very easy to get into trouble with it, and very hard to get out. But neither Rush Limbaugh or Cindy McCain will tell you that they will ever get a prescription again, or try to tell you that they can keep it under control, because everyone knows that they can't control it. It controls them.
  30. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Gosh...I wish I had great advice, but you've already received it. It's hard to watch someone be a train wreck, especially if it is your child. But, at some point you need to step back and let them make their way. It could be painful and good, or it could be bad. YOU have to be the one to except the consequences of your choice. I think that is where you are at.

    Six months in prison is nothing. He'll get food, a place to sleep and excercise.

    I learned long ago I could not deal with GFG's behavior....drugs, stealing, 3 prison terms, RTC's, etc. I chose to let go, but I also knew that there was a pretty good chance of him killing himself. Is that comfortable? Absolutely not. But, he's scraping the streets to make a new life now. He's still alive at 25, but don't know how long. It's his choices now, not mine. You do what you have to do.

    I wish you well.

    Abbey
  31. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well according to the public defenders office they gave him credit for 10 months and he wont be staying in prison even a month. They said they would just process him in and release him - that means - that I wish he had somewhere to go - I wish the State of South Carolina had a place where people could go to get there lives together but I know what you are going to say - he doesnt want to - he wants to keep living like he did - oh please pray for me - I plan on paying my therapist tomorrow - I am going to see her very soon - thanks
  32. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    He does have someplace to go. It's up to him where it is. He can start with an AA meeting, or a Narc-Anon meeting the minute he walks out the door of the prison. They can help him. You can not.

    I hope you will see your therapist as soon as you can.
  33. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Sending you strength and hugs.

    Peace
  34. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Moderator Staff Member

    This is what I was afraid of for you. Some DOC's do have help available for those leaving prison or jail. He would have to ask but then again, he probably doesnt want to. Look up a place online called the Durham Mission. It takes in homeless people and they have to get jobs, do drug testing...etc. They will help him find a job and then a place to live after a certain period of time proving himself. Its at least something. You may have something like it in SC.
  35. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Moderator

    Be sure and call your sponsor in the meantime, Stands. I'm sure she can help you come up with some strategies for saying NO . when the inevitable question of living with you comes up again. The sooner the better, once he knows your home is not an option, he will have to figure out what to do next. Better to deal with that now, instead of the on the day he is released.
  36. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    (Edited out identifying info- Suz)

    Not sure if this is a residential center - but they have many inpatient facilities around the country. They are free of charge - and have very good turn around rates. My brother in law attended one for over a year. It was by far the best drug program he attended.

    Stands - I think I shared my BIL's story once. But, if you ever need to hear it again - I'll be glad to share it. If you don't stop enabling your son, he will be my BIL's age and still addicted.

    I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for him.
  37. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Stands, since we don't post identifying info publicly, I removed it from goldenguru's post above and sent it to you in a Private Message. Please look for it there. :)

    Suz
  38. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Stands -

    Remember what Ann Landers always used to say.

    "NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE."

    You don't owe your son an explanation about anything. He's a grown man dealing with his own choices. When he asks if he can come home, if the answer is no, just say "no". If he asks why, you don't have to say anything, but if you feel you must, you can tell him "Because that is what I decided."

    It's not about him. It's about you. He gets to choose how he lives his life, and you get to choose how you live yours. If you choose to not live in his drama, he doesn't come home. If you choose to live in his drama, you can do that too, but you don't get to complain or worry, because that is the life you are choosing.

    The other thing that I always add to Ann Landers advice is,

    "I'M A GROWN-UP and I CAN CHANGE MY MIND IF I WANT TO."

    If you want to buy into his lie and let him come home, you can always kick him back out again if you decide that you made a mistake.
  39. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well he is in South Carolina Department of Corrections now. He went today. His picture and everything is not posted yet. I went to Alanon and took my youngest son with me. He is very wise. I just cant believe this is happening again. Please pray for me that I will be what I should be. Sometimes I just feel numb. I cant believe he doesnt want to get help. Some people in Alanon sent their son to a place that cost a lot. It is a four week program. Sometimes I wonder if I had sent my son to an expensive place it would have made a difference. Their son is scared of going back to jail = my son acts like he doesnt mind it - it has become second nature to him - it has almost become second nature to me - I am not as torn up as I was the last time = maybe it is because I dread him getting out = I feel like calling someone down there and saying he has a drug problem could you please send him somewhere besides home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  40. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hope that you will go to Al-Anon again tomorrow, and tell them your concerns.

    Perhaps you could start a new thread?
  41. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Nope. Very very unlikely, judging by everything you've written. We all have "what ifs", you know. The thing is you can do nothing to change the past.
    Well he has some time to serve before he goes anywhere, right? And once he's out again I don't see any reason he should come back to your house.
  42. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    He will only serve probably about 3 weeks at the most. I am so tired of this. He will be evaluated and let go I guess. I think that is ridiculous. They dont even try to help them they just punish and let go. Maybe it is just me but some things just dont add up.
  43. busywend

    busywend Moderator Staff Member

    Stands, I do not get to this forum all the time, but I recall the hard times you have been having. One thing I know for sure - your money would have been wasted. Your son is just not ready to change. Nothing you say or do will make him ready. Detach is all you can do. He will come to his decision on his own one day.

    HUGS!
  44. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks - he is being released today. unbelievable.........please pray for my strength to say no.........I am going to start a new thread.
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