she blew

[Jena]

hi

so earlier i posted about how i took easy child to dr. she came back here etc. well she wound up blowing up, when she did i removed her to my room away from difficult child. she began to cry and said i dont know what's going on with me but i'm filled with rage and have been for years now and i can't take it anymore.

you keep telling me there are reasons for it, yet i don't think thats it.i blow up on my friends, on everyone and i cant' control it. she said i need a medication for anger i dont' know what one yet i cant' take this anymore.

iwant to live home i dont' want to be how i am yet i had to get away from difficult child, you and me home all of it because it just sets me off. i'm still blowing up away from here yet no one bothers me where i'm living so i'm able to stay calmer.

on and on she went. i did the well go to therapy and the therapist will advice me on medications yet we both already agreed ssri is the way to go it helped you stay calmer and it helped you work thru therapy yet you stopped taking it.

shes' going to school tmrw to beg them to let her graduate make up work classes whatever she can. i told her i can't have you manipulating me again. she wants to go to prom yet cant' afford it. i said first things first go to school make it right mean what you say and follow thru. next is go to therapy and begin taking the medications again that you have it'll help with the anger. than we'll talk.

she said i want to move back home in time, i dont' want to live elsewhere yet right now i'm so angry i feel like this is best because i can't handle myself around any of you.

i told her i want you back home yet not like this, the way you are. you need things in place, you need to be able to work thru your episodes better you need to go to therapy. you keep saying you want help yet when it's offered you aren't taking it. your actions dont' match up with your words. she was afraid the therapist would talk to me about her junk etc. supposedly i assured her that wouldnt' happen. i just dont want to mess up buy the kid a prom ticket a dress than have her manipulate me not go to therapy do the work to get herself better......... make sense??

thoughts????

 

[HaoZi]

Sounds like she's done some introspective work. Not enough just yet, but a good start. Make therapy and proper medication mandatory for additional help from you, and remind her of the doctor/patient confidentiality clause if she's worried doctor will tell you things.

 

[Jena]

yes i agree not nearly enough....... i love her she's my kid yet she's also very manipulative. so that's why i said ok do all these things not just talk show me action and than we can discuss prom. just goes to show how immature she is she's probably failing school miserably and now just thinking about prom. yet she is 17 afterall!

we'll c how it goes not going to get my hopes up for real change. she changes her moods each day. do you ever wonder besides past old junk etc in life where does such rage stem from?? i looked it up it all goes back to anxiety. yet i mean ppl with real serious rage like her...... they say its an imbalance of serotonin in the brain. which to me would be a true biochemical issue

 

[HaoZi]

Sometimes, when you're hurting, anger is the only thing that can pull you through the pain, because it's lash out or break down.

 

[pepperidge]

Prom? After all that she has done? glad to see you are hanging tough, hard as it is.

Has anyone every considered putting her on a low dose of Risperdal?

 

[AnnieO]

in my opinion, hon?

Prom is SO.NOT.IMPORTANT.

Getting rid of the rage is.

 

[Hound dog]

Ok. Will say right now.........that was a little spooky of a post to read. Because clear up until her last big deep end dive last year........that is exactly what Nichole used to do and tell me. She's told me about the unholy rage that has eaten her alive for years. She didn't know where it came from, but she didn't know how to get rid of it either.

For a long time she blamed others for the rage, which the rare occasion of admitting that this rage seemed to fester inside of her with no cause.....it was more that other people (especially those she was close to) could cause it to spill out of her onto them.

Docs claimed it was part of the bipolar. I dunno. I'm still on the line over the bipolar diagnosis as she has never had even subtle signs of mania. The borderline diagnosis.....yup. But most of what we dealt with was that internal rage whether it was directed at herself (most of the time) or at others (some of the time when she lost what little control she had over it) That rage terrified her. H*ll it terrified me for her.

Nichole has worked hard to both control and to get rid of the rage for years. She honestly believed herself to be unlovable due to it. Which of course only made it that much worse. I can't tell you how long I had to drill into her that I loved Nichole regardless of the rage and the behaviors it caused. I had to get through to her that I could not approve of certain behavior and still love her. That was the most difficult thing of all. Because when a person believes themselves deep down to be truly unlovable......they push everyone away, especially those they care the most for in order to not have to feel the pain of utter rejection. So they reject first or try to.

This past year since that last big nose dive.......Nichole has dealt with the rage head on, instead of just the behaviors it caused. She's take it out and examined it and was brutally honest with herself. We've had endless long talks. For the first time in a very long time she truly knows her parents and her family love her no matter what, that nothing will kill that love. And she's spent this past year getting to know herself and love herself for the person she is.......not what she *thought* we wanted her to be (including boyfriend). The change in her is nothing short of amazing. Her true friends, those that have stuck by her over the years, are thrilled for her. Her family can't seriously get enough of her.

Prom, graduation..........phhht. They're nothing compared to this Jena. This is her life, her well being. Everything else has no meaning without that. So focus on what is important and let the rest go. Yes, we have a plan of how we'd like things to be for our kids. But then life throws you a curve ball and it's just not that way at all.

That rage will eat her alive if she does not deal with it and learn to get past it.

Hugs

 

[Jena]

hi

maybe i wrote it the wrong way...... i'm not at all concerned about the prom. she is.?? i know crazy with all shes' done. i saw the opportunity to use it as a tool. was that wrong?? she kept going on about her right of passage prom graduating she's messing it all up.

so i simply said to her, what is it you want?? she listed it all.

i said what's holding you back? she said my rage, anger, confusion

i said ok, so you answered two of your own questions your always throwing at me...... what do YOU have to do to get the things you want...

than she listed fix school graduate, go back to therapy she missed 2 weeks, go on the medication to keep me calm while i therapy......

i said wow see how smart you are.you do get it... i said now it'stime to roll your sleeves up it took a long time for you to get this way and make the mistakes it'sgiong to take some hard work to get out and straighten in up yet that's ok, you have nothing but time.

was it wrong to use the prom as an incentive?? and i just read your thing about N and what she's done i wrote back on that one...... sooo happy for you by the way!!!

 

[busywend]

If she does the things she says she will I would get her to the prom. It is important to her right now - we all know it will not matter in a couple years (whether she went or not), but right now she sees it as an important step in her growth.

She can get it. If she really wants it. All you have to do is sit back and watch.

 

[Jena]

hi

so i wasn't crazy for using that as an incentive........?

 

[CrazyinVA]

No, not crazy. It's about being in tune to what's important to her.. and if prom is it and you think it may spur her to action, so be it. The important thing is sticking to your guns... if she doesn't follow through, no help with prom. Remember the choice to go is in her hands now, not yours.

 

[Jena]

thanks i felt ok i can use that. yet i will not fold. she's a very manipulative kid and i know how she works me now...... so no this is all on her. anyway if i buy the prom ticket if she does what she has to and she doesnt' graduate she won't be allowed to go anyway and i'd get a refund. it's all on her now. and i have to be honest i was relieved last night when she left........ lol how horrible.

i just thought ok thank god no more of that craziness, shes' taxing as i'm sure you know how they can be.

 

[Shari]

When's prom?

 

[Shari]

I ask because our proms around here are like NOW.

 

[Jena]

tickets go on sale this week, i just posted yet another thread about her........ UGH

 

[Hound dog]

See, I figured prom is now. I see that it is.

No way can she "fix" anything that fast. Her medications aren't even going to kick in that fast.

Perhaps, if she's lucky she can arrange appointments and the like.......But you have no way of knowing if she's going to follow through. Once this desire is met, she may take another nose dive on you.

So I have to ask. Who's footing the bill on prom? If it's you......well it's up to you. But I wouldn't and didn't.

What I did for Nichole? I made sure she made it to doctor appointments. I was her sounding board. The rest? She did all by herself.

Prom: she found a way to have a dress (a friend loaned an extra to her), easy child did her hair and make up, boyfriend bought the tickets and provided transportation.

Drivers License: Nichole found someone to teach her and let them use their car to learn (boyfriend's dad). Nichole got the book, found out what she needed for the exam ect. Paid for her exam ect.

Graduation: She did all school stuff.

Treatment: Nichole made all appointments with docs, was up to her to remember them and to remind me so I could take her.

Working: Nichole had to find a way to get a car or to have transportation, insurance, sitter for Aubrey ect

On top of this she handle welfare, WIC, and child support for Aubrey, as well as mothering Aubrey.

The more she does for herself, the better. The less you do for her, the better. You should be her support system at this age. She should be the one doing all the work.

So if you already said you'd do prom, then don't go back on your word. Nothing you can do about that now. Only thing I'm thinking is that while she might have meant what she said at the time.......when you are the one that makes one of her goals happen, it isn't really her goal anymore. Know what I mean??

If it had been me and Nichole. I'd have said, well honey prom is sort of messed up, but let's look forward at what you can do toward your other goals.

You have to refocus that she is not a child anymore. She is an adult. Hard to do at first, I know.

Hugs