It's really rough trying to raise a teen, especially a difficult child teen when you're on your own.
You're right in that it's not a spousal relationship, but something I suggest in raising teens (especially those who consider themselves independent and capable, especially when they're not) is to treat the teen more like a flatmate and less like a dependent child. Especially if you are disabled and need some help around the place, this can work better than what you're fighting at the moment. It also fits neatly in with "Explosive Child" methods.
As with a lot of things we talk about here, take what you feel fits and ignore the rest. But at least think hard about it, I'm sharing what has worked for me and an ADHD kid can be very similar to Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).
Some things that have worked for me with the respect stuff - that took work. The starting point for me was first to ignore any apparent disrespect and try to think about where it has come from. We get into very bad habits about how we talk to our children. It begins when they are small and need a lot of correction, but as they get older, stronger and more independent, it really offends their sense of dignity. However, to disrespect you in turn is NOT the way to handle it, although that is how you first see it. You then both get into bad habits (both of you) and things just go downhill in a bad pattern. So what you need to do is break that pattern. You shouldn't expect a child with problems to be strong enough or socially knowledgeable enough to break this pattern without help; YOU have to be "the hero".
Think about how you speak to your child. Mentally recollect your most recent communications. "Clean your room! Honestly, this is a pigsty! I'm fed up with you leaving your mess lying around!"
Or "Chew with your mouth closed and sit up straight at the dinner table."
How often do you use "please" and "thank you" in your communications with him? If YOU don't use these words, why expect him to use them with you? Or other people?
To break the disrespect pattern you begin by not showing disrespect to the difficult child. This is difficult, when the child is often loudly being rude or disrespectful, but you have to start somewhere. You then have to keep reminding yourself that you need to actively show respect. The please and thank you is a good start, even for small things.
Example: yesterday we were in the shopping mall car park, difficult child 3 sitting beside me in the front passenger seat. I was backing out of the parking space and it was tricky, the place was busy. As we moved off difficult child 3 said, "Did you wonder why I suddenly hunched down in my seat?"
I replied, "I hadn't noticed."
The conversation continued for a while in minute detail (a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) phenomenon that can REALLY get on your nerves!) until difficult child 3 finally told me, "I hunched down so you could get a better view of the side mirrors while you were reversing."
I COULD have just said, "okay then, I understand now."
Or I COULD have said, "I really didn't need all this detail; we're five miles away by now, there are many more important things we could have talked about in this time."
What I DID say was, "Oh, I understand now. Thank you for thinking about that without being told. That was considerate of you. I didn't need it, but I might have."
It's a small thing but it snowballs.
easy child 2/difficult child 2 REALLY has a mouth on her sometimes; it's like she HAS to be as sarcastic as possible, cuts people down before they have a chance to do it to her. She's gifted with words which can make her doubly vicious. She also can be very tactless and thoughtless - while shopping for wedding dresses with easy child and daughter in law (before the wedding) we stopped at one designer shop to admire the dresses. daughter in law commented on one confection - the bodice was satin, swathed tightly in a strapless bodice above a frothy tulle skirt, the whole thing embroidered with tiny, brightly coloured beads. "I really like this one," daughter in law said.
easy child 2/difficult child 2 replied condescendingly (and loudly), "Oh no, darling! It looks like a meringue that fell into a vat of cake sprinkles!"
This was heard by the dress's designer, who of course wouldn't have been impressed; nor inclined to offer much of a discount or special deal on any of her dresses, should any of the girls have wanted one of her dresses. OK, she IS witty, but it WAS tactless and disrespectful.
As for coping around the house with a mouthy teenager - the "you are now a flatmate" option really works on so many levels. You have a child whose ultimate ambition is to leave home at which point they expect life to be one long emancipation party. So you say to your child, "I am going to help you reach your goal of independence. We start now. You are now on a flatmate basis. It's my name on the lease, which gives me the final say. However, we need to work as a team in order to make this arrangement work. You have certain freedoms and rights; so do I. Together we will make this work to the benefits of both of us."
The sort of issues you need to deal with - if he complains about the food, for example. I've used this one often. Chances are you're doing your best to put food on the table but also save money. We all go through this (or most of us do). It's a constant compromise plus we also have to take our own fatigue levels into account. So when easy child 2/difficult child 2 complained that she didn't like what I was cooking, I told her to feel free to take over. SHE could be on dinner duty for the next few nights and show me how I could do the job better. BUT - she had to plan the meal to meet nutritional needs, to be something all diners could eat (food preferences as well as allergies etc had to be taken into account) and it had to come in under budget. She had to plan the shopping list, arrange for ingredients to be purchased, and then prepare the meal. I was willing to help her through this stage of course, but didn't want my workload increased.
This set her a really good project which she tackled with enthusiasm. Of course there were problems = she was busy playing a computer game at the time when diner should have been started. She wasn't hungry right then, so she didn't feel a need to start dinner. So when she WAS hungry, it was a bit late to start by then.
It took time for her to get it right. At first I needed to remind her. "What time do you plan to have dinner? If you want dinner ready at 7.30 pm, then I think you should put the oven on now to heat up. If you don't begin now, you will need to revise your serving time."
I kept it clear that it was HER decision, but she did learn fairly quickly (after the first couple of very late dinners) that she needed to get things done NOW regardless of how hungry she was that minute.
Washing - I stopped raiding the bedroom for dirty clothes. Any washing not already in the laundry didn't get done. If I was doing a load of washing, though, I would ask, "Do you have any washing that needs doing?" I would even remind, "Come on, you must have SOME dirty underwear at least, after a week. Go get it now, I'll wait a few minutes before starting the machine."
If I had a load that was entirely my child's, I would call him over and say, "I want you to do this load, it IS yours and it's a skill you need to have. I'll talk you through it so you will know what to do. Most laundromats work fairly simply using similar rules."
We set up house rules that EVERYONE had to comply with. With laundry, any clothing with sweat stains or smells are splashed with white vinegar then put in the laundry tub to wait for the next wash day. Serious stains are soaked also, before washing. Torn clothing should be patched or mended before washing, because the stresses to the garment in the wash can make damage much worse.
One of the most important house rules, and a good place to start, is to ensure that all house mates know where the others are at any time. This means that a parent tells the child where he is going and when he will be back, just as you expect the child to do the same thing. Of course there needs to be some leeway, there is always the situation where you're walking home and someone greets you and invites you for an impromptu coffee. We go down the road to the shops and it can take an hour or more, because we bump into friends and chat. But if we put the same expectations on ourselves that we put on our children, they don't see it as something you're insisting on because they're the child and you're the adult. And when they eventually leave home to share a place with someone else, they will need to show other people these same courtesies. It is especially important for whoever is cooking, to know how many people they are cooking for and for what time.
It can take time to transform a smart-mouthed teen to a cooperative flatmate. Along the way be prepared to have your opinions challenged, but if you were sharing the place with your best friend you would find that some things would have you biting your tongue. If it was your best friend who wasn't keeping their room tidy, how would you handle it? Or would you say to yourself, "It's her room, I don't have to sleep in it, as long as she doesn't let her crud overflow to the rest of the house."?
We learned to let some things go. We also learned to communicate at an adult level, to have some interesting discussions but without any more "because I'm the parent," comments.
Ropefree, I have gathered from a lot of your past threads that you are already somewhere along this road as a thinking, considerate parent. It may be that you need to either find another therapist, or instead find your own way through with difficult child. Perhaps ask difficult child what HE thinks about the therapist's suggestions and ask him if he can see any solutions to some of the things that are concerning you.
Marg
