So mad!! (UPDATE)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by amstrong, Apr 10, 2007.

  1. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    I have been so proud of difficult child for a while now. Job is going well, no overdraft notices have come on his new checking account, has been doing really well and has finished his last assignment book for Home School. Today, he was supposed to rise early and go to school center to take his last and final test. They will be closed until Friday after today and he has to be in the door by 11:50am. I rousted him and reminded hm of this obligation this morning before I left for work, husband called him at 10:00 and difficult child called me at 11:10 saying he overslept. Told him that the car use would be limited to work use only--no pleasure and he has the audacity to be outraged and totally disrespectful! I only hope when husband gets home in about an hour that he is not disrespectul to him-he could get bounced out on his ear. The ONLY thing I want here is to get him finished with school, a diploma in hand at the grad ceremony and then I am done. He wants to be treated like an adult but cannot act like one--he has to sabotage himself when things are going well. I am soooo over trying to parent him.

    He is going to be doubly outraged when he finds out that the limited car use is until Friday and if he does not test on Friday, it will continue to be limited until he does-he won't have another oportunity until Monday.

    Geeze-does it ever stop???

    Anyway, needed to get this off my chest-thanks for listening, if you made it this far!

    See Ya!
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    good idea!
    perhaps this carrot will get the donkey to move.
     
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Geeze Louise, does it ever end???

    Good for you limiting the car usage. He doesn't deserve to use it if he can't follow the simple rules you expect of him.
     
  4. Loris

    Loris New Member

    Smart idea. I hope the car use will make him want to do what he needs to do.
     
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Good luck, Robyn. I hope he comes around.

    Suz
     
  6. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    Well, yesterday, after husband got home, difficult child went down to see if he could bargain to use his car. husband would not talk to him other than to keep repeating No! and would not look at him. difficult child was angered and pitched a fit (imagine that?), threw something and left. Called me and said he would not stay at home any longer. husband is all mad and taking it out on me. difficult child, did come home around 6pm and stayed at home, not asking to use car at all. He works tonite, & tomorrow nite. I told him that he would need to go and test Friday to avoid any more problems. He said he feels like it is all about husband (he is the one who controls the car-he bought it). husband said he is tired of the drama and he isn't having anymore to do with difficult child. I told him that I needed his support and patience, that we are so close to graduation! After graduation, the car will be signed over to difficult child and he will only have house rules to follow, i.e. common courtesy, etc. I told him that I have a problem with him ignoring difficult child and that we are a family-(he knew of GFGness when he married me) He told me to do what I had to do and he would do what he is thinking he may have to do. He almost left me once over difficult child antics and he knows this freaked me out, so uses that to get at me. I told him that if he meant leaving us, I couldn't stop him and that even though I more than anyone can understand his frustration, I thought they were both acting like children. Now he isn't speaking to me! I don't have 1 child I have 2--1 more than I need!

    Ok, once again I have whined and gotten it off my chest--thanks for listening!

    See Ya!
     
  7. Loris

    Loris New Member

    So sorry you're going through this! Our difficult children do create friction in a house, that's for sure! Hopefully hubby will quit taking this out on you and get on the same page together!
     
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    robyn,
    when difficult child leaves for good, you will be lonely without your hubby. you say he is your best friend. he is sick of your son. he cannot handle the chaos. maintain a loving relationship with your man if you love him. tell your husband you love him and want his input. tell him you will abide by his decisions. stick together.

    your son needs to be aware that HE should want graduation. he cannot know he can be a wedge between you two. your husband needs to know he is top dog in the house. tell your son you cannot control what husband decides. be calm and tell your son if he wants to have the car he has to listen to husband. also tell your son he does not have to graduate if he doesnt want to. be sure he knows that he will have to make a living and will need the car. to get it he has to graduate. period.

    act like you dont care. like I used to tell ant, your choices will affect only you. I will still have a car, house and a job.
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree. You and husband need to be a united front when it comes to difficult child. I know your goal is to get difficult child to graduation. But if difficult child is determined to :censored2: it up, he's going to.

    If it were me, I'd sit down with my husband and look at options and each others views. Then decide what direction to take. For instance, have you a plan for if difficult child doesn't graduate? Does he stay in the home, or will it be up to him to fend for himself at that point? The car is difficult child's carrot. He's going to have to cooperate to gain use of it, and later ownership. You can remind him of this and let him know it's his choice one way or the other.

    It's frustrating when husband's start acting like a child. been there done that But maybe if you can make husband feel like your listening to his input it will help reduce his own frustration with difficult child.

    (((hugs)))
     
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I agree with ants'mom. You and husband need to be together on this one and not allow difficult child to drive a wedge between you. Sure husband knew about difficult child when he married you, but it's not the same knowing about it and living with it. Talk to husband and get a plan together that you can stick with, then lay it out with difficult child and let him make his choices.
     
  11. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    Hi,

    Thanks for all the good input. husband and I are speaking and I did tell him that I love him and I am abiding by his decisions. difficult child brought the car home straight after work last nite and was told that Friday is another chance to get this final test done and if it was not, he would be bringing the car home each nite after work and not using it at all on days off until test was passed. The biggest problem we are having is that everytime husband anticipates a fit out of difficult child, his statement is ALWAYS, "if he gets disrespectful, I am throwing him out!" Most of the time, he lets difficult child cool off and talks to him rationally with pretty good results but there are the times like this. I get upset at the veiled threats of his leaving-because I know he has seen this freak me out in the past and that is his way of trying to get my goat. It does get my goat that when he does get put out with difficult child, he is so quick to tell me that he's not having any more to do with him-that hurts-it so puts me in the middle. In the course of our little tiff the other day, I never once told hiim that I was not going to abide by his rules-I was simply trying to reason with him to calm down as I know from past experience that when he does, things between them work better. He hasn't gotten over the cussing he received from difficult child over 2 years ago (the 1st time he almost left us). difficult child apologized after a few days and they shook hands. I know it cut him to the bone and had to hurt. They will be fine in a few days. it also does not help that husband goes to bed at 7pm and is up at 230am for work and gets home at 100pm. They do not see each other much-the tiff they had was on difficult child's day off. Meanwhile difficult child knows he messed up and is towing the mark.

    The plan for after graduation is to allow him to live at home, make him sign a rule agreement which will state that failure to abide by residence rules will result in his being forced to find another residence.

    On a good note, he got his first bank statement yesterday and I helped him balance-he had forgotten to register 4 receipts but still had them and when all was said and done, he was outta balance only 16 cents! He's pretty proud. When he looked at his daily balances and saw that the account at one time got down to only $9 and some cents, he realized he was blowing money and we talked about how to budget somewhat.

    I am sorry for rambling--you guys rock!

     
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Robyn, ant still has no bank accts, so I am glad your son is doing good with his!

    keep communicating with your husband. I can understand that you do not need him to threaten to leave if this or that doesnt happen. I would freak the first time (like I did about boyfriend) but the next time, I would offer to pack his clothes. lol
     
  13. WhereIsTheLight

    WhereIsTheLight New Member

    Ah, I remember running interference between difficult child and DEX. Hated it, and it was one of the reasons I divorced him.

    It has been such a struggle for me to parent difficult child alone. Looking back, I wish I had demanded family counseling first...given it one last try.

    The most important relationship in your home is that between you and your husband. Period. Moms don't like hearing this, but if you and your husband can maintain a united front, even when it hurts and you don't agree, it will be better for your son in the long run. I know when they are so close to a milestone that you want so badly to see them succeed. I've had to pull my difficult child out of massage school because of her antics, both in school and at home. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't justify $300 a month when she was signing in under an alias and her hygiene was making the students and instructors uncomfortable. Who is going to let her massage them when she smells? Finally, after another nasty, cuss-filled episode, I pulled the plug. They have to earn something. And you have to take away the things that hurt the most. Even if it hurts you to do it.
     
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I know parents need to be on the same page.

    I also know that sometimes a stepdad with no children of his own cannot find the page that a mom that has raised this child from birth is on.

    It is hard to deal with the both of them. One is pulling you this way and the other is pulling you that way

    If you continue to be pulled by both, you will end up broken.

    What I have done to help me in the same situation, is to first talk to husband and explain your feelings. Then you talk to difficult child and explain your feelings, then the three of you sit and discuss the changes that have to take place ~ for you to be okay.

    I wish you the best. I know it is a very tough place to be ~ we visit there often in my home

    When I called husband's hand at leaving and said let me open the door for you to go ~ his threats stopped

    When I told difficult child no more disrespecting ANYONE that lives here or you can go ~ he changed his attitude
     
  15. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    P.S. I know that a lot of people will not agree with this, but I felt the need to share it with you

    My son was 11 when I married, we went through our church for premartial counseling. We went by the bible and put my husband as head of household from the day we said I do.

    We now know that it was a mistake. My son lost his role in the home and began to resent stepdad for breathing

    I talk with husband about some of the problems with difficult child, but I am the one that lays down the rules to him. I have learned that husband would only treat difficult child differently when I shared ALL info with him.

    My difficult child is a true difficult child and he resents any restrictions yet when I am the one setting them he accepts them much better than if husband holds power over him.

    I am not saying to withhold info from husband and hide difficult child's behavior, only that I learned to ask myself what good would come from me sharing this with husband and then making the decision to share or not.

    Every husband is different just like every difficult child is different, I am just sharing what I did that seemed to help the two of them get along better.

    My husband can't seem to move past things that difficult child has done. When difficult child has spent a mth doing good and everything is going well with him, my husband would say yea, he's doing good now, but what about what he did 3 mths ago. He can't ever seem to give difficult child a break.
    I think they need to be praised when they are doing good. They have heard so much from us when they have screwed up
     
  16. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi,
    my husband is also a stepdad. He came into our lives when the kids were 13, 9 and 6. He had 3 older kids of his own (divorced) and that is one reason I married him--I could see he understood kids and knew that they do strange things! My kids' dad had died less than a year before I met him so we were all still grieving and he understood that too.

    He took things very slowly--I knew I had to be the disciplinarian, he had to earn their trust and realize he wasn't trying to replace their dad. My youngest had the hardest time accepting him at first which I guess is rather unusual. But, she was very open and honest--she missed her dad and she didn't want husband trying to replace him. She talked with husband a lot about her dad and he was so gentle and sympathetic with her. After awhile they seemed like "real" father and daughter. The older two had a harder time, especially difficult child 1. But now, to hear her talk, she "loves" husband and considers him to be her father.

    I feel bad because I never dreamed these kids (especially difficult child 1) would cause such hardship. I felt guilty for a long time over bringing husband into this mess. He sticks with a commitment once he's made it and I knew he wouldn't leave, no matter how bad it got, so I felt bad. I told him yesterday he should get husband of the year award, the crap he has to put up with!

    Jane
     
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