Hi Jojo, welcome to the forum and so sorry for your need to be here. It is a tough road we are all on, many are, or have been in similar situations.
He's only 19 where did my beautiful son go? He went down the road I hope I never see anyone else I love go down. The road of drugs, lies, lies, and more lies.
I am sorry for your heartache, it is difficult when our adult children go this route. They change so drastically and drugs become #1 in their lives. They do not care what they do to get high, and will run over anyone who gets in the way.
He has turned my home into such a toxic place. I find myself on my hands and knees daily searching his room. Is this my life now? I am always in a state of anxiety afraid i will find my son dead from overdosing.
Unfortunately Jojo, our homes do become toxic in this situation.
This does not have to be
your life now,
but it is his life, as long as he chooses to use.
When our adult children use drugs,
they use us.
This is not acceptable.
I had to learn to regain my ground, refocus my life.
It is something to work at. A quest for sanity.
On your hands and knees
searching his room is not sanity.
Jojo, as parents we get really caught up in this.
We want to fix it.
Reality is, we have no control over anybody but ourselves.
Your son is 19, of legal age and will do what he pleases.
What many of us have found here, is the more we try to "help" our d cs, the harder and longer they hang on to drugging. It is because we are doing it all for them. By this, we have taken away all responsibility. They do not respect themselves and they don't respect us for this.
Our d cs must face the consequences of their choices, the sooner they do this, the faster they learn. That is our hope.
And there is hope. Always.
So how do we find the strength to pick ourselves up by the boot straps and live our own lives?
If you believe in a higher power, look to that for help. There is an excellent article on detachment in the PE forum. Alanon or naranon help. These are all tools that help us deal with this.
You must set rules and boundaries for your house and if your son refuses to follow them, out he goes. This is not easy and counter to what we know, but very necessary. For his growth and your sanity.
I am so sorry for your heartache, keep posting, it truly does help. Others will come along and share. You are not alone, Jojo, you are here with us and we will stay by your side. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy