Some advice looking back now that difficult child is 15

[Carolyn9595]

I am sorry to say I have suffered so much in the past 10 years trying to deal with my difficult child's behavior and oppositionality. I lived in complete despair and still do sometimes. I wish I would have known more about sensory integration like weighted vests, blankets and keeping his backpack on after school. More about quiet music at night and the huge exercise ball to bounce on for comfort.
I wish I would have known about behavior therapy and that they will come to your house and watch the kid in action and then teach you how to manage the behavior. I wish I would have known that there are social service programs available that could have connected me to experts. (We got that help later on when things were critical.) I wish I would have worked harder to find a counselor that could have diagnosed him as ODD and not just ADHD. The counselors we saw did not take me seriously when I tried to tell them there is something really wrong with him. I wish my son would have fallen in love with any church and given himself to God to hold him together when he felt so alone and hopeless.

 

[Fran]

I'm so sorry for your pain. We all look back and wish we tried something else, something more. Even with doing everything, there is no guarantee that would have fixed the issue.
If you had known, you would have done everything. Every day we learn more and try new things.
Hugs. I hope you are able to reach him.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Oh, my goodness! When I read your post I thought "this mom must live in Maine!". I've been feeling the same regrets for 6 years. My difficult children are now 24, they could have been so much more successful had we lived in a different school system, as well as known about this support board.

My heart goes out to you. Please keep posting!

 

[Jena]

hi

I'm with Fran on this one. we all do look back, have regrets say if only i'd known about this or that. Yet you can't do it, it's self defeating you know that. 15 isn't too late either by the way. i'm trying to exercise the demon out of my almost 18 year old and will not give up and all my regrets lie with her by the way.

i too as you do have my days where i just sit and cry wishing i had done more, made different life choices, had done different things for her etc. yet we all do the best we possibly can when we are at the point we are making the decisions. believe it or not they do grow up, and they do remember the good junk also. not just our mistakes. for example my mom welll le'Tourette's Syndrome just say she's an interesting woman and boy oh boy did she make her share of mistakes with-me. wont' blame my choices on her. they were mine. yet she set bad examples for me and wasnt' that great of a role model. it may of taken me till 40 to get it yet i love her for her now. even though she drives me nuts!

hope that helps, hmm i just told you you gotta wait till he's 40 to feel better?!! LOL a little humor there.

vent away, (((Hugs))))

 

[klmno]

((HUGS)) Remember, we do the best we can with what we know. All of us here have regrets so you aren't alone- I could write a book about mine and I'm sure it wouldn't be finished yet. At least you know enough to know that you can't know everything and you did the best you could. So many parents or adults without children never come to understand that there is no perfect parent, no perfect child, and no right answer that will work for every child every stage thru raising them. To me, a good parent is one who teaches values to their child by never giving up, advocating and discipling as best they can when appropriate, always loving, and realizing that they- the parent- isn't perfect either so they can teach the child that being a good parent isn't about being perfect- it's about being there. You did that.

 

[toughlovin]

I too have done the what if I had..... and I have a huge list like others here. The thing is it doesn't help me at all to do that, unless somehow it is going to change something I do now. Sometimes when I really look at those what ifs I realize it might not have made any difference at all. Sometimes I also realize what if I hadn't..... things could be oh so much worse.

So really all you can do is think about the here and now and what you can or cannot do now.

The other thing I try to remember is that all of our experiences make us who we are as adults and I know if my son can get on track he could be a wonderful adult... and the experiences that got him there will provide him some thing later on.

I have yet to meet a really interesting adult who had a completely charmed and perfect childhood. As a friend said to me once years and years ago before I ever had kids (but she had 3 and was dealing with guilt) "no one reaches adult hood with a full deck".

 

[klmno]

Those are good points- it's not like cooking a cake where there is a "point" where it should be done, then we see if it came out perfect. We all continue to grow and mature (if we are normal) throughout our lives- we as parents and our difficult children too- and it won't happen at the same pace or schedule for everyone.

 

[ML]

I have had to practice a lot of acceptance, self love and forgiveness of myself and others. I feel like I'm in really healthy place for the first time in my life. That doesn't mean the challenges have ceased. It just means that instead of letting them keep me down, I use the tools of my life program and realizing I can't do it alone, I come here for support and guidance. It's about the journey, right? And the journey is about the moments and if we resolve to stay fully present in each moment I think we're on the right track. Peace, ML