'Soooo hard to let go when you really love and care

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jul 22, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son's crazy ex is trying another ploy to get my son out of grandson's life. She is planning on moving pretty far away,which is significant because they have 50/50. Son has a great lawyer and so far she has none and is defying the court order not to move. In fact she sold her house and is pending a move to a new house. All this was done after she had a court order not to move.

    Never said she was Einstien, but she does have a lot of female gonads.

    I am worried about both my son and grandson because if the Judge doesn't go in t heir favor, it will devestate my son beyond explanation and my grandson is very upset, crying often, at the thought of leaving his school and moving farther from Daddy. I was just there. Now my son isn't perfect but he is by far the better more nurturing parent and does not ever try to take his son from his mother's 50/50 custody time.

    Today is a big day. If ex doesn't answer the letter from Son's attorney today, sh e has defied the court. Again.

    I wish I didn't care about this or could put it on Opersation Oblivion, but this issn't something I can completely disconnect from. I realize t here is absolutely nothing I can do by worrying. I know that if the court rules against my son, who is seeking residential custody (the address), I can't do squat. I know that if my son falls apart over it, I can't fix him (what he may do scares me, but I still can't fix it). I know that if my grandson is sent where he doesn't want to go and where his stepfather slaps him (no bruises, but it happens), I can't do anything at all.

    I know I am powerless.

    Yet my heart is beating a little faster today and it's in the back of my mind even when I try to relax and read. I know I have to stay busy today as it is my day off. I know that I have to take any news with radical acceptance. I know this is out of my hands.

    Yet is't still going to stay in the back of my mind, no matter how busy I get.

    Breaks my heart, yet I can't let it destroy me like it w ill destroy my son. I have to stay healthy, sane and strong for myself and everyone else.

    Haha. It's a lot easier said than done, but I will try to do my best. That's all any of us can do.

    I so hate drama and this is drama I can only avoid if I avoid my son and I'm not going to refuse to listen to him talk about this.

    That is my decision...to be there for him in this.

    It is rocking my serene and peaceful life, but I have to take it, at least for now.

    I am going to practice w hat I am learning in therapy though. Standing back and mindfully listening without getting too emotionally judging...that is really the best way because...getting all upset will not change anything.

    And I am going to do something really nice for me today, Sonic has a baseball awards banquent later on, Jumper is still home and, if not working, likes to shop with me, and I can Skype Princess and Buddha Baby. And hug my dogs.

    I am taught to feel where my tension l ies when I am tense and with me it is the pit of my stomach. I can feel it. I will have to meditate. I will exercise.

    But this is still very hard. I'm sure you all understand which is why I posted it.

    Any extra advice welcome.
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  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    No advice from me, SWOT. I take my cues from you ☺Of course you care..as we should...but life sure would be easier sometimes if we didn't, wouldn't it?

    She sold her house already? Wow...yeah, that's cohones.

    It sounds to me like anything that can be done has been done. I will sure hold you and your son and grandson in my thoughts today. Please keep us posted.
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand how you feel SWOT, I have to practice the above quote on a regular basis too. You have all the tools, all the strength and all the resolve to get through this no matter what the outcome. Not saying it isn't hard. It seems to be the price we all pay for loving a difficult child, or for loving at all. While "they" go through whatever "they" go through, the best place for us is on the sidelines, loving them, but refraining, being present and open, but staying on "our side of the street." (as COM always mentions) Simply being the loving presence in their lives, while they face what they face.

    You have remarkable strength, courage, power and a big loving heart SWOT.........today is a day to pull all your tools out of your tool box and use them. In addition to the tools you already mentioned, I often will listen to a guided meditation on Youtube. Check out The honest guys on youtube and search for a guided meditation which addresses what you need. I like the blissful peace one. They're beautiful and they help me to find my balance and center when I've had a "bump" in life.

    I'm here sending you a big hug as I imagine many here will do..........wrap yourself up in our love and.................may the force be with you!! :notalone:
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I can't help with the worry, I'm a worrier. I worry about stuff I have no control over - heck, stuff no human has control over.

    But, I can say with confidence that the law is on Bart's side. If she moved without court permission and takes the child it is grounds under our state's law to change custody. Even her asking to move far enough away that the 50/50 custody arrangement becomes problematic works in his favor.

    Judges really do want to do what's best for the child. Hang in there.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all of you. Thanks so much. I have the tools and need to work them because this one is really out of my hands.

    Lill special thanks to you. She is yanking him out of a school he does well in and is moving the maximum distance she can so she can make it impossible for Bart to see him on his days. But she hasn't moved yet. Furthermore she hasn't answered the questions she needs to answer by TODAY...so, yeah, I do trust in the system. Thanks again.

    I'm a worrier by nature and to everyone here who thinks they can't learn to detach (a little at least) if I can do it anyone can. I was born worrying. I worry over things there is nothing to worry about. That's why I did so much therapy that helps get over the need to control the outcome of things that you and I can not control. Easier said than done, but so far I have Skyped Buddha Baby, have taken a wonderful shower with great smelling bodywash, and am waiting for Jumper to get up to suggest a lunch date.

    For those who want to know what my therapists have told me through the years...the best way to detach is to distract. Not forget. Forgetting is bad. Distract means taking time out from worrying to, say, take a dauaghter out to lunch and laugh a lot. When you get back to your worrying it is often with a clearer head. If not, distract again. Take a power walk. Do some art. Read. Watch a comedy movie.

    RE, I I will do the honest guys meditation right away. Thank you so much for the susggestion.

    And I have to remember (as we all do)

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    the courage to change the thing I can,
    and the wisdom to k now the difference.

    Thank you again. This site is da bomb!!!
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  6. Natsom

    Natsom Member

    They make it sound so simple!!! I know it really helps to distract. Did your therapists give you any tips on how to get the motor started? I'm alone most of the time, and find it hard to break out of the gloom.

    I'll be thinking about you today. You must be on pins and needles. It doesn't sound like the ex has it together. Sending positive energy for you to be able to maintain your composure. You have the tools.

    Try to have a wonderful day. Be kind to yourself.

    Oh, the drama...
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They actually did and it's up to me to do it. Reading, running (I like to run) wtching funny movies (takes no stress at all on my body...lol), going for a manicure, walking my dogs...I got a lot of ideas. And I'm alone a lot too. Often, I prefer it.
    Now, I could just sit in front of the computer and seethe too. That is an option I have. But I no longer choose that option.
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    That sounds like she's behind on answering interrogatories or requests for admission of facts. Those are simply discovery tools. Now if she refuses, the judge can impose sanctions to "punish" her for non-compliance, up to and including striking her pleadings and rendering judgment against her. More likely if this is a first deadline, he'll actually give more time, especially since she doesn't have a lawyer. This can delay the proceedings...so be patient. The wheels of justice can turn very slowly.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Lil. Our main concern is that Junior can't be yanked out of his current school, which is due to start in a few days.
    She has defied the courts many times a nd never been in trouble for it. I guess she thought Bart would just let her take Junior out of his school and move him to a place that is very unfriendly to where he (father) lives, but Bart will never allow her to take his son away from him. She tried getting sole custody before...they had a long custody battle...and she lost. It stayed at 50/50.

    She's a piece of work and the judge already knows her.

    I don't know how you can stand being a lawyer when so many people are so difficult. Kudos to you :)
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The court could let her have more time, or could just rule against her and refuse to allow the move. Then if she moves anyway, a custody change could result. Anything could happen here. All you can do is hope for the best and wait.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot, Lil.

    Very much appreciated.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If she DOES pull junior and start him in a different school... Bart needs to give the current school a heads-up that junior will be back (use the word "likely" when talking to the school). If she actually DOES this? The courts will take it very negatively. You don't make unilateral changes under a shared custody agreement... especially changes that work against the other spouse.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    ((HUGS)) to you. There is no advice I can give as you already know how you need to deal with this.
    You are incredibly strong and you will weather this storm.
    You are an amazing example to your son and have much wisdom you can share with him.
    It is my hope and prayer that the ex will come to her senses and do what is best for your grandson.
    I hope it all works out for your son.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Tanya. So much. Really. I value your opinion.

    IC, my son's lawyer will go to court tomorrow to put a "stay" on grandson's school. He will not be going to any new school right now and probably never. Missouri favors status quo. And it's pretty easy to see w hat ex is up to. Truthfully, she is one of the biggest DCs I have ever met. She cares very little for anything other than controlling her son completely and that will never happen. Bart will hang onto his 50/50 and is thinking of going for a custody change beyond just residential. She is underestimating Bart's love of his child.
  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Never underestimate the love for a child.
    Here's what I just find really sad, there are so many fathers who abandon their children or won't pay child support or don't want to take the child for visits and here is your son doing what a good father should do, taking responsibility and being a good dad. How sad that the ex does not see this, she should be grateful instead of being spiteful.
    It's good your son has a lawyer. Keeping good thoughts that the judge will find in your sons favor.
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Well somehow I just erased all my post, except 'nd'
  19. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I was trying to say--

    I remember back in the old days my hubby's X would do things that were designed simply to get him angry/get some type of reaction.

    Never understood that.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ex was on Match.com during marriage, met a man and ran off, leaving son for a month. If Bart had filed in that month she was gone he could have gotten full custody, but he was so shocked he didn't know what to do. Then ex married her honey during custody battle. Grandson has told me and Bart that stepfather slaps him across the face, but he's too afraid of his mother to tell and there is no mark. Calling CPS will do nothing unless Junior is willing to talk and he won't. He begged us not to tell and "get me in trouble." And we know him well. He won't tell on her or him because of fear.

    So, even though Bart isn't perfect, I really think Junior needs to be in his hands. He does care about his son more than any woman (he tells them all they'll never come before Junior so he loses them...oh, well) and he has a very close bond with his son. He never would have divorced ex even though she was always a problem, but he didn't want to only see his son half the time.

    Breaks my heart, but I did go out today, taste Jimmy Johns with Jumper (It's new to our area and I decided Subway is beter) and visisted hubby at work. I will take a walk or run when it cools off. There is nothing I can gain by worrying and it won't help them either.