Sorry to bother you all with the same issues...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Aug 1, 2011.

  1. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Thank you all for your help, and I wish you all luck and better days ahead. I know I said I wouldn't be on last time, and came on again. But I now have figured it out. So I don't need to be on anymore. SADLY, i do feel sorry for myself and wander why my life is this way. Why God gave me two kids who hate me? I do not work,(looking for work) have help from the government and family..maybe this is where it started. (of course i know and met many parents who are in the same situation and their kids don't hate them or at least don't act like this). I have been in school,caring for my kids and grandfather. I have played with them,fed them,thought I was teaching them right, I love them with all my heart. I don't go out to date, I don't get in trouble, i have good friends, private school, which apparently didn't help me teach them respect and about God and how to obey and be thankful for what they have and receive. I tried to teach them to help others. Now, I have yelled back, yes. But after them 24/7 physically fighting and or yelling.. ya I yelled! My kids, their father and that shrink my son saw said its all my fault. It is . My 11 year old says im the worst ever, she would rather be dead than live with me, my son feels the same. Their father as I said before will let them drink,go wherever and whenever they want. Stay up until whenever, etc. Now, I am obese, and it is true it has held me back like on this overnight trip I finally went on with them. My dad insisted to go. It was a living hell, they fought all the way there, there, and all the way back. Even hit each other in a fight at a restaurant. I couldn't hike like I wanted to because of my weight. I looked on the scale and gained 20 more pounds in the last 5 months(stress eater). I thought I lost some, but my clothes were the biggest ones I had, already stretched( I put my new clothes on,same size didn't fit it). My 11 year old feels she has the right to stay up all night long ,even on school nights. Create a chat for a game on the computer, stay on the computer all day and night, even after she begs and agrees to do piano later never does. Next day same thing. Oh its a battle for her to shower and even wash her hair correctly..doesn't get it wet or wet enough or put enough shampoo if any). I am not that way! I believe in staying clean! I have taken away privileges and stuff doesn't work. They have no respect for my schoolwork to be done but yet my daughter worries for her grade and her perfect attendance. My son got mad earlier and started his hitting thing again. He hit the cage,then me. Im sorry to go on and on. You have heard this from me before. The books (i have Dr. Green's book Explosive child) cant do anything for me. They are their father with no turning back. They have no concern for others feelings. I do believe they have no compassion or concern for anyone but themselves. I love this so much, this really hurts. Im scared how their future will be, will they be in jail,prison? I do see it for both at this point. They have not stole from anyone, but the words that come out of the mouth, the lack of helping and concern etc... I dread when I take them places, I dont even want to go without them because I have no "get up and go". Im tired, have nightmares, am so confused. I have missed some school assignments (all online or I wouldn't be able to do it at all)because of my kids constant fighting. I just don't know what to say or do. At this point they will enjoy their dad, as their dad will enjoy getting the kids so I can pay HIM the child support. I love them so much, I love them. My life is my kids. But what now, I try talking to them in different ways, different places and times. I compromise at least I thought I was. I don't know............
     
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS))))
    (((((HUGS))))
    ((((((HUGS)))))

    You're going through a rough patch and it's perfectly understandable. We all need to indulge in the occasional pity party, BUT get one thing straight YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS. You have loved them and cared for them. You are teaching by example by caring for your grandfather and going to school. You have removed yourself from a less than ideal relationship. You're doing everything you know how to do AND seeking out additional resources to try and do even better.

    Your daughter is on the verge of puberty. That alone carries a whole slew of issues. Add to it a Disney dad (for lack of a better term) and you have a recipe for disaster. Your son has "shorts in his wiring" which throws normal parenting out the window and you add to that a Disney Dad and you have a recipe for disaster.

    ((((HUGS))))
    (((((HUGS))))
    ((((((HUGS)))))

    Did I read it right that their father now has custody? My mom heart aches for yours, but it's breaking for your kids. Sooooooooooo not a great environment for any kid and especially a difficult child like your son. I pray this will be temporary for their sakes as well as yours.

    ((((HUGS))))
    (((((HUGS))))
    ((((((HUGS)))))

    Yeah, a little overkill on the hugs, but seems like you really, really, really need them.
     
  3. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Hi Keista,
    Thanks and no he doesn't have custody YET. They want him( anyone but me) because yes, the Disney dad! That's what he is. I don't know what else to do."At this point they will enjoy their dad, as their dad will enjoy getting the kids so I can pay HIM the child support." No, he doesn't have custody. But, I am thinking this will be best. I feel bad when I say or think to go ahead hand him the custody. But Things are not getting any better here. I have been going on and on to everyone ,including telling my daughter how proud I was of her, how I trusted her with a T.V and Computer in her room last year. I havent had the money and told her lets see what I and Santa. can do this year. But I dont trust her now. Thanks for the hugs, I do need them and all I want to do is cry, something, anything but live like this.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Huggggggz from me too!

    From how it sounds, it is NOT your fault. Sounds like the kids have issues...maybe they are too much like their Dad...and I'll bet there are A LOT of people who DO love and appreciate you. it is so hurtful when your kids are not appreciating you, but that could all change when they see Dad for who he is.

    For now, I hope you are in therapy. Also, I think seeing a nutritionist and working out would make you feel great. I'm prone to depression and working out really helps me. I hate doing it...lol...but I do it to make myself feel better. It's time for YOU to take care of YOU. You are NOT a failure or a bad person and your kids are wrong. They just are. Unfortunately, they both have poor dispositions. A therapist can help you deal with them too.

    Forget the kid's therapist w ho blames you for everything. Not all therapists are good (I've seen enough). She/he is listening to ex/kids and therapists also come with their own baggage. Find somebody you can relate to who doesn't see anyone in your family. Have fun with your family and friends. Try to help your kids, if you can, but don't give up on yourself.

    I do have a question: If ex gives the kids beer, why can he see them?
     
  5. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Hi MidwestMom,
    Thanks for the Hugs! My daughter understands to a point about her dad. I put her on the phone to let her talk to him about him not wanting her to see her half brothers.(he decided at that point he wanted nothing to do with them because of their mom,he said it was her fault-it wasn't). So , she wanted to talk to him and see him. I said" here, talk to her,handed her the phone. At that point he said "he could not see her to talk to her because he had to work things out with his now 3rd wife, and that that was more important right now" thinking I was still on the phone. She was hurt. He got her brothers many times and not her. He would leave if we were fighting and tell her it was my fault. He also would cancel or not show up most of the time for parties,visitation. He always has to have his women,male drunk friends married or not around the kids, even when they wanted just daddy time. Her brothers told her that they have not seen their dad in over 4 years and he called them once.Again, blames the mom. He blames me to for his relationship with his other boys and what is wrong with our 2 kids. No therapy,the Pediatrician said" if the guy we saw said he was ok, than hes ok. If I HAD to come back in then we would talk "but was not happy with that. Since then, my son hasn't been in his 2/3 hr rages or violence. Ok, well today he hit me and the cage. I do feel like a failure, i have failed. Ok, the ex is an alcoholic which he denies. Isn't that when a person drinks daily,before work,after work? Brings the beer in the shower,in the car while driving...Only not drinking cause hes broke? He is almost always buzzed or drunk, drives that way. He gave one of his other boys alcohol when they were younger and says he will/has gave some to ours. Then says he was kidding and my kids claimed they haven't had any. But he keeps saying he will give them some and they want to try it. I have it in the court orders for him and his friends,and my friends or I can not drink around them or give them any. But, I don't trust him.Technacilly, parents can give their kids a little alcohol without getting into trouble from what I was told.
     
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    Depends where you live, and certainly NOT if there is a court order against alcohol being around the kids. The problem is proving it.

    I've said it before, I'll say it again. Your ex sounds very similar like my husband. And yeah, I've gotten so frustrated and despondent about the kids that I felt like shipping them off to their dad despite his issues.

    I'll continue sending you positive thoughts of strength because you CAN get through this rough patch. Your precious children need you.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    More Hugs!!!

    Your ex is a BIG loser. You're the only stability they have, even if they are at the age when they prefer to be able to do whatever they want.

    Wife #3???? Maybe he'll break Liz Taylor's record if he keeps it up :)

    I'd ask my lawyer about that drinking.

    Keep in touch and you can vent to us all you like. You sure have a lot on your plate and we're all here to listen.
     
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* and hang in there. I will add my voice to the you did not cause this crowd. The people with troubled kids, hateful kids, disabled kids, you name it - they come from all walks of life, all nations of the world. You did not cause this, your present station in life did not cause this. It might complicate it, it might make you feel sad/depressed/dejected/rejected/you name it - but you're doing the best you can with what you have while (as was said) providing an example for them to follow. They might not see it that way now, but eventually they'll understand it better.
     
  9. Free Kittens

    Free Kittens New Member

    Hi Confused

    It is NOT your fault and beleiving so is only playing into the sick dysfunction. Hang on with everything you have. You are a great Mom and you know that. If possible, a therapist experienced in parental alienation might help.

    Free Kittens
     
  10. Confused

    Confused Guest

    keista,
    That is true, proving it. He tells my kids not to say anything to me,its non of my business what goes on there or who is there. Yup, some men just have a different name, and may look different but they act the same! Thanks!
     
  11. Confused

    Confused Guest

    MidwestMom,
    Yes, wife 3 that he admits two and countless number of women he lived with.( he is player, having countless women with him as of now as well,that was one of the reasons we didn't work) Like keista said, its proving it and yes, my lawyer said the same thing while we drew up the papers. Thanks!
     
  12. Confused

    Confused Guest

    HaoZi,
    Thanks! I hope they see it. My daughter this last year has really been a whole different person! She and her friend say "you think im a baby cuz you don't let me stay up until whenever" All the arguing with the kids! Maybe one day they will understand it better.
     
  13. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Free Kittens,
    I know I have made mistakes,but I keep getting told it is my fault and they are not around their father all the time( although they act like him). I don't know, I still feel it is my fault. Thanks, that's an interesting idea about parental alienation. Thanks!
     
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