Stressful and Sad Day - August 8th

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ME & THE BOYS, Aug 8, 2007.

  1. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    I know this is alittle off topic, but please just bare with me.

    It was three years ago today that my whole world turned upside down (discovery day of my husbands affair, he doesn't love me,,,).

    Why did this have to happen? Why?

    Also, I have started my medication for depression (cipralex/lexapro). My body feels like one big tight knot. Is this normal? It is day 6 of taking pills.

  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am so sorry this day brings you sadness. I hope one day you can choose to not let another august 8 be unhappy for you. I know we tend to remember bad days, death dates, such as that, but why do we? if it only causes us to replay the day in our mind, we must block it somehow.

    why did the affair happen? because of your husband's weakness, not yours. you are fall out from his own problems. you are strong. three yrs ago, your world was shattered and you have mustered up courage to go on and be there for your boys. his not loving a person with that much fortitude is his loss, hon.

    as for the medications, I dont know but you can ask the pharmacist about the course of their action and what to expect for some expert advice.

    by the way dear, it is my 55th BD today so from now on remember that 8-8 is Janet's bd. maybe that will make you :smile:
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm sorry your heart is hurting today. It is understandable given all that has occurred. I hope you can find some "me" time and do something nice for yourself.

    What dose Cipralex did your doctor start you on? Do you think the tight knot is stress-related or medication-related? If you're concerned, you can always check in with your doctor. My understanding is that ADs like these take a few weeks to kick in.

    Hugs to you.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm so sorry that this day conjures up bad memories. Like the others have said, try to change that. One way to change it is to make today a happy day. Do something special for yourself, nurture your soul, your heart - treat yourself the way in which you want to be treated by others. Find something to do that is a challenge and when you complete that challenge, celebrate your strength.

    Four years ago on my 8th wedding anniversary I discovered something about my H that completely blew my little world apart and it stained our anniversary the following year as well...we were still working through a lot. And every anniversary since that fateful one has never been very great - something always manages to ruin it for me, whether it's old memories or just simple day to day stuff. Well, this year I decided to change that. I was off from work and really had wanted to go to the beach and since difficult child was around, I woke her up to go with me. I baked H a pie for our anniversary and then I left for the beach. I had a lovely day. It was sunny and hot and I did what I wanted to do. Later, I thought H would take me to dinner, but he didn't. No flowers, no dinner, no card. I was hurt, but I didn't let it bring me down. Afterall, I did do what I wanted to do that day and I did it for me. I gave myself the gift of spending a few hours at the beach. The following night H took me to dinner; very anticlimactic. I have accepted that our anniversaries will never mean much to him, which is difficult for a romantic like myself. However, I will continue to be good for me and make nice memories for myself on those days.

    I hope you're able to do that same. Turn this bad day into something that has happier meaning to YOU. Many gentle hugs.
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh big hugs.......I am so sorry you are grieving. I know how hard this must be for you, but I think Janet gave you good advice. You have to move to a place in your heart where this man has no more power over you. You are a beautiful, desirable, wonderful woman, who deserves so much more than a cheating, lying, scoundrel of a man. Start visualizing how wonderful you truly are, and the man you are truly worth - and watch what happens. Start posting affirmations of yourself all over your house and car as reminders of your amazing persona, and I believe your life will transform.

    As far as Lexapro, yes it can make your body feel tight at first. What dose did you start at, you might need to go up a bit more slowly? Have you called the doctor?

    You will be in my thoughts...........hang in there.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    3 years. 3 years and you are still so devistated as if it just happened last month. I understand your world was turned upside down. Life as you knew it was over. But, you have never started the new life. Yes, you were forced into the new life and it is not the life you want - but right now you have no life. Not the old and not a new one either.

    I wish I could take you out today. We would go do something really silly.

    It is OK to be sad, but start the new life!!! You have to! Nothing in this life is guaranteed to us. That is a life lesson you learned the hard way - for sure.

    It could happen to any one of us. Things happen. That is why you have to appreciate life and move on so you can be happy. You CAN and WILL be happy without your husband. Find the strength to admit that to yourself. Repeat it over and over again in your head. Heck, out loud if it helps more than inside your head.

    You do deserve so much better than this. It would be one thing if he wanted to make things better and work on the marriage - but he does not and you can not force him to. You need to figure out what you want to do now. What will help you to move on.

    Here are some flowers to cheer you up today.
    :flower: :flower: :flower: :flower: :flower: :flower:

    P.S. - if this sounded harsh, I did not mean it to be. Sometimes we never know how our posts will be read. HUGS!
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I am sorry for your pain today. Hugs to you. :flower:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> But, you have never started the new life. Yes, you were forced into the new life and it is not the life you want - but right now you have no life. Not the old and not a new one either. </div></div>

    Wendy, that is incredibly profound. I wonder how many of us are similarly hung up on baggage? I think I am a bit. Thanks for being so intuitive.

  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I have been thinking about you while weeding my flower garden in the 90 degree plus and
    I have to say I know I hold on a long time too.
    when my son died in 1974 I mourned for 10 yrs on his death date.
    when my dad died, the date of his death loomed over me a long time too.

    even though I have been without my ex for 6 yrs now, and it was my choice...I still have PTSD
    I think of stuff he said or did to me and my two sons and I cry. I feel just as I did the day it happened. I can see his face. I am shattered. the other day we were coming back home to USA from Canada and we sat an hour on the bridge back to USA. something triggered a memory of my ex and something he did. I was telling boyfriend about it and broke into sobs.

    things can hurt a long time. I imagine you HAVE made lots of progress but this particular day dug out some scab.

    think about it but not for too long. then congratulate yourself on the progress you have made since that happened to you. remind yourself that you are loved. start a new day right this minute. be glad that episode is over.
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    PS what has happened since then? are you one your own with your sons? are you divorced? did you reconcile?
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Suz, thank you! :biggrin:

    Janet, good point. Perhaps the pain today is greater as it is the anniversary. And she is entitled to that for sure.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Anniversaries can be very painful times. I know my mother always remembered the anniversaries of her mother's death and her sister's. She never made any fuss about them but on those days and around that time of year, life was always a bit harder for her. She always had a difficult time letting go of things, too. She would hold on to things that reminded her of that person. Her sister's favourite perfume stood on her dressing table. One day the smell was intensely strong and my mother rushed in to find her daughter (my oldest sister) had toddled in and spilled the entire bottle. Mum was devastated, but eventually realised that she had to let go.

    When she eventually died, it was partly her choice - a complex story. But I do wonder if the time of year was significant also - it was close to the time of year that her mother and sister died, and within a day of the anniversary of my father's death. She had chosen to let go of life; her decision. But she would have been more likely to make that decision at a time of year she had never been able to get past, without some sad memories.

    I wish she could have learned to live beyond it through her life (not just that year). Every year it held her back. Instead of happy memories, she dwelt on the loss.

    If your husband knew that you felt this way about yourself, he would probably be shocked and surprised - this was never about you. Nothing is wrong with you, other than an inability to move on. This was never your fault - it's a bloke thing. I remember being told years ago, "Women give sex to get love; men give love to get sex."

    From an evolutionary standpoint, females who have to bear the responsibility of caring for young, need a provider around to protect them and help with acquisition of food. To have this, greatly increases the chance of reproductive success. But from a male point of view, the more seed they can sow the better. That increases THEIR chance of reproductive success. Let some other bloke support them, if she can get one. That's why the largest, strongest stag has the biggest harem, until he's defeated by a younger, stronger and maybe bigger stag. They don't have long at the top so they sow their seed wildly while they have the chance.

    We would like to think we are a more highly evolved species than that; but think about a lot of the people you know - are we really? If I walk into a pub (just walking past one is enough) I can hear examples of various (mostly male) denizens all bragging about their latest conquests or the outward trappings of their maleness (the souped up cars, for example) and you can see just how differently the genders think.

    It would be tempting to advise you to avoid, in future, those males with knuckles still dragging on the ground, but that is no protection either. Some very metrosexual-looking males can also be just as unfaithful. Just tell yourself that you are a beautiful, worthwhile human being. If you continually project an apologetic, "I'm a poor excuse for a woman, I can't even stop my man from straying" air, then you will attract the very males who hurt you the most; they will see you as someone needing their pity and also as someone very vulnerable (ie someone they can take advantage of, then dump when someone else comes along). For blokes like that, the kind of women they are interested in - they have a pulse and they are breathing. Everything else is optional.

    You have more than a pulse and respiration, you also have a brain. You NEED self-respect and a sense of personal entitlement which does not include the 'necessity' of a man in your life.

    And the best advice I can give you - print it out in huge letters and stick it behind the toilet door - success is the best form of revenge. Be happy, be successful, and he will never be able to say, "Wow! I must be some great lover, I've left her pining for me - I really must be good!" and then use those credentials (and HIS boosted self-esteem at your expense) to go and bed yet another series of women. A man like that can never be trusted.

    Trust yourself. You know where you stand, then.

  12. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    Hello everyone,

    I wish to thank you all, every one of you for your thoughts and kindness, your strength that got me thru yesterday.

    To ant'smom, I wish to say "HAPPY BELATED B.DAY". I do hope you enjoyed your day!

    I had thought about it and yes, I have come along long way from three years ago. I was in total shock and denial that the affair had happened, that he did not love me for the longest time. I lost a ton of weight intially, and a ton of sleep. I also lost my job as I couldn't function at work (always crying). I remember the Xmas before he announced the news of Aug. 8th (so six months later), he gave me this card and told me he spent two hours viewing cards before picking this card. It spoke of how he loved me so much. How in his heart he brought me flowers each day. How I was everything and how he felt bad not always expressing this to me. WOW...............what a blow six months later when he told me the card he gave me (noted above) was a lie. He has become this cruel cruel man. I will never know what is truth and a lie anylonger. He still lives with us. Quite honestly I think this is why I have not been able to move on totally. Don't get me wrong, I have come a long long way. On the flip side, I don't know that I would want to do the single parent thing on my own. The kids are the other half of my stress (( KID YOU NOT)). I am starting to make time for me. I go to movies, meditation, dinner. I would not have the help nor money to do these (break times/me times), if he were not here. I go out more and see him less. I know it is not is a catch 22 as my Doctor put it.

    Smallworld, I think you asked how many mg I am on ciprlex/lexapro. I have started on 10 mg. The Doctor wants to see me in another week. I don't think the tightness in my body is stress related. I am constantly stressed from my kids and have not felt this before. I hope this is just temporary as i heard sometimes these things are.

    JOG, thank you for trying to cheer me up. I am a hopless romantic. EXTREMELY SENSITIVE, so this makes this very hard.

    WeepingWillow - I like that............."affirmations" idea! Thank you!

    Busywent - I wish you had been here to do something silly with me. I use to be the silliest, goofiest person. I rarely laugh, I rarely smile now. Half in part from my husband and half my difficult child. I think I am chronically depressed at this point. I am hoping these pills will put a smile on my face AGAIN.

    I am confused about what I am suppose to be doing in my "new life" since husband falling out of love with me. I mean, I am taking care of my kids. This is my main job. I run them around, take them to appointment's, volunteer at their school, attend meetings for them, cook their meals, play outside with them. I AM EXHAUSTED! I can't very well run off to Europe to start my new life. But hey, sounds like a plan. Do you care to elaborate???

    Marguerite, Your massage was very sensitive, strong yet soft. All's I can say is thank you.

    Again, thank you to all of you. You can never know how much all of you have meant to me. You are good, kind people.

    I wish you a peaceful day!
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It is common that anger/rage turns to depression and that certainly seems to be the case with you. It's understandable, of course.

    I know that I could not do what you are doing; I could not live with a husband who, I perceived, no longer loved me, not to mention that you consider him a cruel man. I can't even imagine the strain... or living with the hopelessness that you must surely feel. I'm so sorry. How are you able to protect the kids from the animosity that has to be between the two of you in the house?


  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, I think you need to worry more about you and your health than how to pay the bills. Seriously. Alot of people do with less and end up happier.

    You probably would have your kids less as he would have visitation every other weekend - 4 whole days free a month!!
    That is if he took them.

    Your new life should be what you want it to be. If you want him back than start getting happy with yourself as he will never love you again if you are an unhappy person.
    If you are done with him, then start planning the future for yourself and your kids. Focus on what to do and how to do it. But, just do not stay stuck where you are. It is soooo not healthy for you. You need a plan.
  15. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    I read your most recent replies and almost couldn't breath. I had to step away and then come back and read them again.

    I don't think truly I can initiate the BIG CHANGES you are talking about. Do with much less? Return to work to be able to provide at this time?

    I am sorry I am not there yet! My kids are small. I am so involved with the school to make sure my 7 year old get's what he needs. I am still very much enjoying taking my 4 year old skating, swimming,,, on the days his brother is in school. I WILL NEVER GET THESE YEARS/TIME BACK WITH THEM. THIS IS "OUR TIME".

    I thought it was huge that I decided to go on medications. I am depressed from my maritial relationship AND I am majorly stressed from my children fighting when they are together. Each child alone is fun (funner) and much much easier to manage. I can honestly say I do not enjoy parenting them together. I am being honest here.

    I am sorry if I am disappointing people here. Maybe I am just so depressed/stressed that thinking of doing it on my own seems the unthinkable.

    I am a very involved mom, who devotes 96% of her time and 110% of herself to raising her children.

    I am doing the best I can right now.

    p.s. We DO NOT fight infront of our children. We barely talk (which is not ideal I know), but things could be worse for me REALLY.

    Please please be patient with me. Sorry.
  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Wow. Well, it happens differently for different people. I know that I would rather live in a box alone with my child than live with my husband in a castle if I know he was cheating on me.

    You are not disappointing anyone on this board. Just don't disappoint yourself.
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You are not disappointing anyone on this board - ever! We are here, responding, only because we care - but never judging. You can post anytime, about anything.......however, some of us, my bossy self included, may tell us how we personally feel the situation should be handled. These are just opinions.........not mandates........and if you choose to not do them........then you can still come back and post.......and we will still care.

    For what is worth, and it is just my take -
    Sweetie, of course you have to move on. You will never be able to be who you are meant to be - including the best mom - feeling like a doormat. If you stay, your kids will grow up resenting that you did this only for them. They need to respect a mom who respects herself enough to stand up for what she believes she is worth. Any less, teaches them, to do the same for themselves. Do you want your boys to grow up and be your husband? That is what you are teaching them by modeling it to them day in and day out.

    Please take care - and be strong - and don't ever feel like any one on this board is judging. All of our advice comes from being in similar shoes, and treading similar waters. We just don't want you to go through the same current that drowned us, if we can yell for you to take a different direction.
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He is still in the home.

    You did not disappoint anyone at all!! You just typed out what you want. You want to continue being a stay at home mom involved in school and there for your kids. If keeping husband is the only way to do it, then do it. BUT - be happy doing it. Find a way to be a happier you. And you already have started on that path with the medications. Hopefully it helps.

    I only want to make you think about your own happiness. Maybe you do. I did not for a long time, so I figure other women are like me, but maybe you are not like me.
  19. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Your kids are the same ages as mine. They fight all the time. It is much easier to deal with them one at a time. This year, I had her at camp during the summer for six weeks. He started camp and has one more week. I will have them both for about three weeks, all day with no break, except for naps. I totally get what you are talking about.

    I had to start Lexapro for PTSD, just from all the crap with my difficult child ( along with a few deaths of my friends from cancer last year) It all hit me at once.

    The Lexapro takes a few days to start helping, but a full two weeks before you'll feel like yourself again. At least that's the way it worked for me. It does constipate a little, so make sure you deal with that the way your body needs too...extra fiber, take something at night.

    Also, I have a hard time sleeping through the night, so doctor gave me Ambien.

    If you're not sleeping well, you will have less tolerance for the kids. Also if you are depressed, you have less creativity and less energy. I find that I have to be on top of my game at all times when dealing with my difficult child. When I was depressed, I just didn't have the energy to be creative in dealing with her. I didn't care, I just wanted her out of my face. Once the Lexapro kicked in, I was able to deal with her much better.

    After a few weeks, if the Lexapro isn't working for you, even at 20 mg. than make sure you discuss with p-doctor and perhaps switching to something else.

    Take heart, once you feel better, it will be easier to deal with the kids. You really have to be on top of your game when dealing with a difficult child. Take care of yourself, first. Then things will get better and hopefully everything else will start falling into place.

    Hugs and prayers
  20. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I don't want to seem mean, but one of the first steps in "healing" is to stop apologizing! You're in a wicked situation and no one envies your position. Different situations require different reactions. Right now you need to look at the steps you've taken since you started posting. I respect your tenacity and desire to make changes. Baby steps - that's what all of this takes.

    Think about it:

    You found a dr. who was able to start you on your way to addressing your depression.

    You've started making time for yourself.

    You've stopped accepting the blame for the dumb decisions and choices that HE made.

    You have a lot to celebrate!! You're starting to remember that you used to be "goofy" and a vivacious woman before. Recognizing that person "lurking inside" allows you to slowly get in touch with who you used to be!! Celebrate your steps! Embrace the crowd here on the board who are supporting you and know that not a soul on here judges you!