Anniversaries can be very painful times. I know my mother always remembered the anniversaries of her mother's death and her sister's. She never made any fuss about them but on those days and around that time of year, life was always a bit harder for her. She always had a difficult time letting go of things, too. She would hold on to things that reminded her of that person. Her sister's favourite perfume stood on her dressing table. One day the smell was intensely strong and my mother rushed in to find her daughter (my oldest sister) had toddled in and spilled the entire bottle. Mum was devastated, but eventually realised that she had to let go.
When she eventually died, it was partly her choice - a complex story. But I do wonder if the time of year was significant also - it was close to the time of year that her mother and sister died, and within a day of the anniversary of my father's death. She had chosen to let go of life; her decision. But she would have been more likely to make that decision at a time of year she had never been able to get past, without some sad memories.
I wish she could have learned to live beyond it through her life (not just that year). Every year it held her back. Instead of happy memories, she dwelt on the loss.
If your husband knew that you felt this way about yourself, he would probably be shocked and surprised - this was never about you. Nothing is wrong with you, other than an inability to move on. This was never your fault - it's a bloke thing. I remember being told years ago, "Women give sex to get love; men give love to get sex."
From an evolutionary standpoint, females who have to bear the responsibility of caring for young, need a provider around to protect them and help with acquisition of food. To have this, greatly increases the chance of reproductive success. But from a male point of view, the more seed they can sow the better. That increases THEIR chance of reproductive success. Let some other bloke support them, if she can get one. That's why the largest, strongest stag has the biggest harem, until he's defeated by a younger, stronger and maybe bigger stag. They don't have long at the top so they sow their seed wildly while they have the chance.
We would like to think we are a more highly evolved species than that; but think about a lot of the people you know - are we really? If I walk into a pub (just walking past one is enough) I can hear examples of various (mostly male) denizens all bragging about their latest conquests or the outward trappings of their maleness (the souped up cars, for example) and you can see just how differently the genders think.
It would be tempting to advise you to avoid, in future, those males with knuckles still dragging on the ground, but that is no protection either. Some very metrosexual-looking males can also be just as unfaithful. Just tell yourself that you are a beautiful, worthwhile human being. If you continually project an apologetic, "I'm a poor excuse for a woman, I can't even stop my man from straying" air, then you will attract the very males who hurt you the most; they will see you as someone needing their pity and also as someone very vulnerable (ie someone they can take advantage of, then dump when someone else comes along). For blokes like that, the kind of women they are interested in - they have a pulse and they are breathing. Everything else is optional.
You have more than a pulse and respiration, you also have a brain. You NEED self-respect and a sense of personal entitlement which does not include the 'necessity' of a man in your life.
And the best advice I can give you - print it out in huge letters and stick it behind the toilet door - success is the best form of revenge. Be happy, be successful, and he will never be able to say, "Wow! I must be some great lover, I've left her pining for me - I really must be good!" and then use those credentials (and HIS boosted self-esteem at your expense) to go and bed yet another series of women. A man like that can never be trusted.
Trust yourself. You know where you stand, then.
Marg