Talk me down...PTSD

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterby, Apr 30, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I didn't receive child support from difficult child's dad this week. I always get in on Wed. I called and it hasn't been received yet by child support.

    So, I left a message at his employer and then went to white pages to look for him. There is no longer a listing for him in Georgia. There is, however, a listing for him in Ohio. There didn't used to be. We have an unusual last name and I have looked it up in Ohio before just to see if there were more of us.

    The listing shows him with his ex-wife and I have a hard time believing it's accurate. She was more afraid of him than I am and she had remarried. But, you never know.

    But, he wasn't listed in Ohio last time I checked which was a few months ago.

    I am waiting to hear back from his employer. In the meantime, I am having a major panic attack. Shaking, feel like I can't breathe, on the verge of tears.

    Not only am I afraid of him, he hasn't attempted to contact difficult child since she was 3. To me, that's a good thing. However, it - understandably - really upsets her. If he decides to contact her, she will jump at it. I don't think she'll be very trusting up front. She just isn't with most people anyway. And there are emotional scars. But, I don't want her to have to deal with it or with him.

    I'm trying not to borrow trouble until I know more. I had a friend call the number in Ohio and it's been changed with no forwarding number. But I can't figure out why the listing in Georgia is gone and the one in Ohio has shown up.

    Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I don't know how to help but soon...soon, I'm sure....someone more capable will be able to say just the right thing. Meanwhile I am truly sending you a cyber hug and saying a prayer that you soon have reasons to feel more relaxed and secure. DDD
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I've lived most of my adult life where you are now. It is not a good place to be. I have a lot of reason to have lived in hiding from my x for years. The PTSD was unmanageable. I got therapy, EMDR and fought back.

    If the mere thought of this man living anywhere near you has you this frightened? I would truly and have - called and spoken with the police. Let them know that you're afraid. Call your local police womens advocate and ask if they have a program for a free Aware alarm system. If he's violent they may be able to give this to you or point you in the direction of an agency that can help. I have a panic button AND a necklace I can wear around my neck. I push a button and 4 cops respond in under 2 minutes - no questions asked.

    Also do things to safeguard your home. It may be time to check all the locks and go outside and plant holly or some other pointy prickly bushes. Note the landscaping - be alert and aware of your surroundings.

    Pre-program your phones with the 911 or sheriff's number. Change your patterns, where you shop, vary your schedule.

    I would say to seek counseling at a DV shelter - but that's a personal choice, and I"m only recommending it because of the immediate fear and panic the mere thought of him living near you brings out. It may be time to stop being afraid of him and fight back.

    I can only tell you from my experience that before therapy? If I even thought he was close? I'd cower in the back of a closet holding a knife for hours. I didnt' sleep, I was a wreck. He hasn't changed. He's still the same nasty, mean, hurtful, spiteful person he always was. But now if he showed up in my yard to do harm I swear to you I'd rip his skin off with my bare hands and hand it to the police as a parting gift. And I mean it.
    I'm still VERY weary and keep tabs as part of my own - self preservation society - but he doesn't get to own this much of me.....ever again.

  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    All kinds of things show up on the internet. I magically appeared under my first married name a couple of months ago - out of NOWHERE. With my address when I was living with the X. My current info vanished at the same time. Don't panic.

    If you do believe he's back in our lovely state, there are some steps you can take (not in any particular order):

    Make sure your address and telephone number are unlisted. Go to, look yourself up, and remove the listings. White Pages will allow you to do this as well.

    Get a couple of inexpensive door alarms. They cost about $12.99 - $17.99 each (window alarms are about $5.99 each). They sell them (for sure, I've seen them) at Meijer and Lowe's. Cheaper than ADT. You can set them with a PIN. Bonus - difficult child won't know the pin. So if she should let him in - !

    Call or go to the local police station and let them know you have reason to believe that he could be a danger to you and/or difficult child. Give them as much of a description as you can including name, date of birth, anything you've got. Ask for increased patrolling in your neighborhood.

    Contact difficult child's school, day care, doctors, activities etc. - make sure this is in writing - and give them the names of those people allowed to pick her up and/or make any arrangements for you. Let them know that if there is any change you will specify this in writing and they must call you to verify. Tell them, too, that you have reason to believe that he could be dangerous.

    In Ohio, if you are afraid, you can get a protective order ex parte. Keep in mind that this is a piece of paper and will not stop a real criminal. However, with it, he so much as sets foot within a predestined distance of you and/or difficult child (usually 500 feet), you call the cops and he is arrested for violating the PO. He does have to be served, though, so if you have no current address that could be an issue. Trespassing, though, is a BIG ISSUE in my area.

    Last - hugs. And good luck. I'd send you my dog but he'd lick you to death.
  5. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I definetely would contact police just to make them aware of the matter, amongst all the other great suggestions.

    It's scary to be afraid of the unknown. Check in with us, dear.

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I knew some experts would quickly respond, Heather. I have not been there done that but
    in reading your post, I would guess there is a good chance that he is not coming toward you. I would guess he is going away from you to avoid the support payments. I don't know your circumstances (past or present) but I would guess that if your payments showed up like clockwork and then stopped
    out of the blue.......he may have decided to avoid that debt by disappearing.

    I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. DDD
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    When I finally had him arrested and left him, he told me I was dead. I believed him. I was perfectly fine as long as I knew he was safely 600 miles away. That's why I periodically check.

    I don't want this monster anywhere near my daughter.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry you have to deal with these kinds of fears from this person. If he even deserves that title.
    Stay safe, listen to the ladies who have unfortunately been there. And listen to your own heart and mind.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Heather, this jerk has no reason to be near difficult child. She's over the legal age to choose not to have visitation. Although if she doesn't know the truth about your relationship with her father, you may want to rethink and decide if now is the time to inform her.

    Odds are the child support stopped because he lost his job or quit. As someone else said, odds are he's avoiding making the payments.

    I know PTSD is kicking in, but it would be unusual after all this time for him to suddenly pop up out of no where. These abusers habitually threaten death....yet once the mate is gone and they relize it's permanent....they move on to the next victim.

    I think Star made some amazing recommendations. I'd look into them if it were me.

    I've made tons of phone lookups via internet. Sometimes you'll get and old listing that reappears as if it's "new", when in fact it isn't. I had this happen a few times with K and when I'd do a more in depth search I'd eventually find a date to go with the listing.

    Hang in there.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry this is freaking you out but like others have pointed out it may be an old listing that is just popping up.

    One day not long ago I was doing a google search for my dad's name just passing time. Out of nowhere his name showed up under a subsidiary company of the one he retired from. What was really odd was that it listed him as President of this company! So I clicked on this info and it led into more info of which one thing was it listed him and my MOM!!!! Now he hasnt been married to my mom since 1981 but there it was...a link with them together stating that they lived together in VA. Of course other links put him in FL and SC and VA. Now that whole page is gone into outer I cant find it anymore.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member


    breath, breath yes it is scary and i've spent my entire adult life up till not so long ago fearing someone as well. Yet as star stated i fought back also and i continue to and so will you now.

    I agree as well, call the local police dept show them copies of any orders of protection you have tell them your situation and that you are afraid. be totally honest. also as the others have stated you have to try to think logical here, i know i have ptsd also and logic umm kinda flies south on us. we are so hyper vigilant to our surroundings, ppl, pasts returning etc.

    i agree that the reason the support stopped was due to his losing his job. yet i can totally understand your fears, you just have to breath through it and look at the facts.

    it's been years since contact, right??
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Star has some excellent suggestions. Please be very careful.
  13. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    After an afternoon of investigating, it appears he is still in Georgia. I will be updating my locks with more secure ones - and actually using them. And I'm buying a bat, or two.

    I still feel like I'm 'coming down'. Still feel on high alert. It's the not knowing that shook me up. If I know where he is, then I can put a plan of action into place.

    Thank you for the support. I'm drained.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thank goodness! whew.

    Now breathe............

  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So glad that he is still in Georgia. Glad you are still updating your locks. Hugs.
  16. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sorry I am coming to this so late. Odd thing is my abusive ex (the middle husband) moved to Georgia too. I unfortunately can't track him though as he has a very common name. Hugs

  17. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Both of my exes are in GA. And yours, too. Must be some kind of safe haven state for abusers that we aren't aware of. A secret club or something.
  18. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    As bad as I feel for the innocent folk that live there they can keep them there.

  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I thought all exes were in Texas...?

    GA works, tho. As long as they stay there.

  20. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I'm glad that he's still in Georgia - but the fact remains that just the mere thought of him being NEAR you and your daughter sent you into a PTSD panic.

    EMDR therapy is rather intensive and works for severe PTSD patients of abuse. I think it's important to ALWAYS be aware, but I think it's even MORE important to stop being in fear of someone like your x.

    More and more county clerks are coming on line. A lot of times if you know where they are living and if they are frequent atendees of the local county jail? You can keep tabs by finding the website for that county in that state.

    Simply Google - (for instance) Clayton County Clerk of COurt, GA.

    Once you click on most pages it will have a court page - and you can click on that.....

    From there you can type in information ie: name, social security number, and find out lots of things about him (IF he isn't being law abiding)

    You can also check the STATE that you want for their prisons. Google State of Georgia Prison Inmate Search.

    I've had to do this on my own for employees who "Suddenly" move here from out of state. Sometimes googling their name isn't enough. But if he's bought a house or gone to jail - and it's a matter of public record? It will be there.

    IF you need help PM me - I'll be glad to help you put your mind at ease.