Thankful to be here

[sambina]

First day here, stumbled across this page by accident in doing research and so glad I did.
My signature below pretty well explains it all, in a nutshell.
We have full custody (since age 3) of my stepson, who is my difficult child child. He has been in counseling twice with basically no help whatsoever. He is good at playing people, in school, family, therapists, everything. Steals, lies constantly, has no remorse for his actions, never has, does everything he can to push people's buttons and manipulate people. Everything gets chalked up to "poor kid, mommy issues, blah blah blah"
Found kiddie porn and hardcore violent stuff on his ereader recently, found suicide note, found my clothing hidden and torn to shreds - had him Emergency evaluation'ed and next week we finally have an appointment at a GOOD therapy place. Emergency Evalution counselor said he is from her brief exam and discussion with him and us, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), ODD and a sociopath....great.
All of this has led to the resurfacing of deadbeat bio-mom who owes $38K in child support, is a former drug addict, current drinker with a houseful of kids by various fathers and a teen daughter who's pregnant, and....well, you get the idea....NOT a good environment. Never has been. But nonetheless she thinks she deserves custody, so back into court we go next month, while trying to get our child the help he (and WE!!) desperately need.
So that's me....landing here for some support and research.

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome Sambina to our soft corner of the world. I'm glad you found us. Things definitely sound more than challenging right now. You will find much support here. Sending welcoming hugs your way.

 

[welcometowitsend]

Sambina - Wow, you are going through so much right now. I'm glad you found this board. The people here are amazing and will have lots of support to offer you as you go through this difficult time.

I am new here as well and the help, suggestions and support they have given me has been invaluable. I can't thank them enough!

Are you doing anything to keep you and the rest of your family safe at this point because some of what you posted is scary stuff.

 

[sambina]

Thanks for the welcome!
As to keeping the rest of us safe, he has zero privacy, we can now see his bed clearly from his doorway, has no Internet access, and is never left alone in the house. He is never left alone in a room with my daughter, doors are not closed, etc. We really don't know what else to do at this point, He will be leaving for a resident summer job and only home for 24 hrs each weekend...this is what gets me thru the rest of the year, knowing he will be away for eight weeks. When he's not here, the household dynamics are so different, we are all so much happier. It's sad to have to admit that.

 

[Bunny]

Welcome! You have alot going on. It sounds like you're doing everything that can be done for him at this point and that you've taken all of the precautions at home that you can.

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome!
I know what you mean by getting some peace for eight weeks.
He's had a bumpy road but that doesn't mean you have to have one! You seem to be doing your best, working on a new diagnosis, and getting him help.
Hugs.

 

[AnnieO]

Hi sambina!

Welcome to our world... I am glad you found us, but sorry you needed to.

Of course I don't know the whole story (who ever does except those who are living it?), but I was thinking Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) before I even got that far. Bio parents (moms and dads) tend to have a HUGE impact on kids - even if, and sometimes especially if, there's no relationship or they feel abandoned. Onyxx has issues with this - her bio mom threatened to abandon her more than once, DID when she was really needed, and then passed away, a permanent abandonment. In a moment of quiet discussion, Onyxx mentioned that she felt that bio betrayed her by neglecting her own health. And... She had me, and knew I cared, but I'm not her bio, Know what I mean?? And husband was afraid to be a parent. So hers spiralled.

Court is going to be a royal PITA for you. been there done that as stepmom and it was always really dumb stuff. But - "basically no relationship" for many years will NOT help her gain custody. Being that far behind in support won't either. Then there's her home situation. So... What does "basically no relationship" mean?

What is this resident summer job? Curious, there. And as for the dynamic being different... Onyxx was gone for 10 months. About 4 months in I noticed - husband and I weren't fighting. Life was happier and calmer. Onyxx is home now, has been for about 5 weeks. And... It's not calmer and happier. It's not as horrid as it was but...

Onyxx is just like your difficult child in ways - snows anyone not living with her. Manipulative, deceitful, violent, and so on. Better now, after treatment, but - I have PTSD from before.

ODD... Many of us here don't subscribe to ODD as a diagnosis on its own. Basically ODD is "your kid won't follow the rules and do what he is told and supposed to do". If he did follow rules and do what he was told and was supposed to do, we wouldn't have any reason for therapy and therefore a diagnosis, right? (I stole this and paraphrased from another member, DaisyFace - she knows from whence she speaks!) As for sociopath - possible, but in one session? That seems a little soon...

Welcome. You'll like it here.

 

[buddy]

HI and welcome, I agree with the others, and from what you said the one diagnosis thrown out that does seem to have the others as symptoms is the Attachment Disorder diagnosis. Unfortunately many think this is rare and is only the severe forms that we sometimes see on the internet. But there are degrees and there IS HOPE but it takes intensive work and really really specialized therapies, not traditional counseling...1:1 types of therapies. Since he is so old now, I dont know how this would work but I would call around to see if there are any attachment clinics/centers around you. His early history is the key thing to this diagnosis. The disruption has to happen between birth (some day pregnancy) and age 3 or 4. Those are the bonding years, the years we form trust and empathy for others.

This site may seem weird to check out but it has grown to be a really good resource for attachment challenges from any situation...

http://attach-china.org/ There are many good sources on line and often you will find more information under adoption sites because the very nature of adoption is a disruption of parenting when one is very young. But clearly that can h appen for many reasons so look for the sites that you can relate to.

Since he is a teen, clearly a huge part of what will need to be done now, regardless of the diagnosis. is to manage symptoms and plan for his future. I know that is a duh statement, sorry.

Have you ever had a neuropsychology evaluation? It might help give you a bigger picture of the possible issues.

Anyway, welcome to the group! we can really relate to what you are going through.