That sick feeling...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tired Mom, Sep 24, 2014.

  1. Tired Mom

    Tired Mom Member

    I posted a few weeks ago when difficult child moved out. I so need to work on me. Everytime anything related difficult child's legal problems comes up I am washed over in a sick feeling for hours. I so wish difficult child realized that he is skating the line between being a convicted felon and being able to have no legal record at all. Yesterday bail bondman called wanting the name and phone number of difficult child's PTI officer. The information was given but I don't know if their was a reason for the call or not. Today the counseling place where he was going to court ordered drug counseling called. I suspect that there is a problem there. The legal notices notices for PTI now say he is assigned to the senior patrol officer where is before it was just a patrol officer. Sigh. At one point difficult child had a prepaid phone but it isn't clear if he still has an active phone or not. He doesn't respond when we text him. Yesterday husband went to the place where difficult child is living and made him call the bail bondsman. Husband came home and said difficult child was in a good mood and they chatted for awhile. husband told me that he told difficult child he is welcome to move back home anytime he wants to. I so wish he wouldn't tell him that. I suspect that if difficult child ever moves back home things will be worse then ever. Lately my mind has been going to the idea of adding a room to our house with a bathroom that has an exit from outside so that if husband insisted we let difficult child live here we could keep him out of the main house easily and if difficult child never moves in we have needed extra space. There is actually a peace having difficult child not live here. We don't have to lock up the rooms before we leave for work, we don't have to worry about who difficult child is letting into our house when we aren't here, we don't have to worry about difficult child exposing his easy child brother to things he shouldn't be. If he didn't have the possibility of felony conviction hanging over him if he messes up on the PTI then I think him moving out would have been the best thing possible for all of us. Hopefully having two calls in two days related to his legal problems doesn't mean bigger problems are brewing. I know these calls are his problems. I wish difficult child wouldn't do things that jeopardize his PTI but then if he was type of person who didn't do things that would jeopardize his PTI then he wouldn't be on PTI in the first place.
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Good Morning, Tired Mom.

    Welcome to the site.


    While there is often nothing we can do to change the paths our difficult child kids are on, there are many practices and activities that can help us get through the worst of it.

    Al Anon meetings are sources of non-judgmental support. Learning the stories of other parents going through the same torturous things and finding out we are not alone is strengthening.


    Check this out on the internet, TM. There may even be a chapter in your city. Classes, meetings, and support.

    Serenity Prayer

    This was given to me by a very wise mom who told me to read it again and again until it worked.

    And that helped me.

    Here it is, for you.

    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

    The Courage to change the things I can

    And the Wisdom to know the difference.


    Therapy, to help us stay healthy ourselves can be helpful.

    Cherishing ourselves -- manicures, massages, ice cream, meditation, long walks, hot baths -- everything we know to try to nurture ourselves through this time are so important to holding everything together.


    We lost our easy child to drug addiction during the years our oldest child began to self destruct.

    It can happen.

    I don't know whether we could have prevented that. I do know we were Intensely focused on the troubled child .

    Our oldest would eventually be diagnosed with a mental illness.

    Because we had been excoriated and accused and judged in a thousand ways by social workers and rehab personnel regarding our first child, we missed the boat in recognizing our son's addiction.

    While the helping professionals never did come up with whatever the specific thing which was wrong with our family was, we were made to feel that our parenting, or some vile, secret dynamic at the heart of our family, was motivating our oldest child to act out the family dysfunction.

    This was fatal to our family, as we lost faith in our ability to parent successfully.

    It will be hard, but don't let the "professionals" teach you that your older child's problems have anything to do with parenting or family dynamics unless they can tell you, specifically, what it is and how to change it.

    The last thing a family needs when one of the children is in crisis is a social worker or counselor making assumptions that are not applicable to your family.

    You are a loving, conscientious parent, or you would not be here on this site.

    I am sorry this is happening to you and to your child. Please keep us updated on how you are all doing. This site is a warm, supportive place, and I am so glad you've found us.

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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi and welcome. I just wanted to say that you and he can survive if he ends up with felonies.

    My son has two. The day I found that out, and many days after that day, I thought I would die. I thought it was all over.

    I was wrong. That was nearly a year and a half ago now.

    There are worse things than felonies. In fact, I am learning that things can always get a lot worse than they are today.

    I know that doesn't help much right now but what will be will be and it is what it is.

    I started doing better once I started learning what those two things really mean.

    Life is truly one day at a time. Warm hugs and we are glad you are here. Come on in and join the circle of we Warriors.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  4. Tired Mom

    Tired Mom Member

    Thank Chid of Mine and Scent of Cedar. Child of Mne you are right things can get wore. Unfortunately we have had to deal with things we never wanted or dreamed we would have to.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You are right.

    You are facing challenges most families cannot begin to imagine.

    But you are here with us, now.

    We cannot change what is happening to you and to your child. But we can share our stories. We can help you to feel less isolated, and that sense of companionship will help you to be stronger.

    You are not alone with it, anymore.

    We sometimes seem to have no choice about what our children will do next. But we have absolute power of choice in how we will respond.

    That is where we can help, TM.

    Have you read the post on detachment at the top of the Parent Emeritus site?

    That is a good place to begin.

  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TM, I''m sorry you're going through this with your son. I'm here too, reading along, wishing you a peaceful day and for serenity to find you.

    Make sure you get as much support as possible, around here we need LOTS of it. Take care of YOU now.