the MOMinator

[susiestar]

J has called me this from time to time. She is rather impressed with how husband is a bit afraid of me at times. As in won't do some thing because he knows that i hate them - like won't leave toilet seat up because he does not want me to wet on what he sits on or clean toilets. if he wanted to keep them clean, i would put the seat up when i was done. But he won't, so if he leaves it up, then he has to deal with the real world consequence.

or how thank you will immediately stop at that mom look or how she and thank you stopped pushing and tickline each other in the car the other day. my stomach was upset and the car rocking as we were waiting for husband to come tot he parking lot was making mee sicker - told them if they didn't stop then the vomit would be on them as the consequence.

So, guess what she told her brother about 'the mominator' in a note?

Terminator was my barbie doll's ken, he is such a weakling in comparison to the MOMinator.

I love this daughter of mine, lol!


fyi- my shift key is not working right, either on or off, mostly off and won't go on, so until my other hand stops being numb, capitalization will be wonky on my posts. Sorry.

 

[muttmeister]

Reminds me of when my kids were little and they called my mother "Grambo" after the Rambo movies. LOL

 

[TeDo]

That is so...... cool. I wish the Mominator "look" stopped my kids from doing anything. Even the "yelling" doesn't get thru to them. Can you have J give MY kids a note something like that so they know it's not just me? LOL

 

[Hound dog]

Tedo have you tried the very low firm voice that is very punctuated in speech? This and the Mom look would make my kids nearly pee their pants because they knew they had crossed the line and were in a very dangerous position. That combo has stopped many an other person's kid in their tracks, not just mine. lol I nearly lost it when as adults they told me the effect it had on them.......and they still don't like it as adults either. It's just as effective.

Yelling would make them move and they knew they were in big doo doo because I rarely raised my voice, but it was nothing like lowering the voice, punctuating the words carefully in combination with the mom look. Just the mom look would make them move too. But the combo one meant I was rapidly reaching the end of my very nasty temper which in normally keep under strict control.

Mine swore I was psychic and had eyes in the back of my head. Heck, for all I know they may still think I am.

 

[susiestar]

My kids and husband are a bit in awe of me because they are never quite sure what consequence will seem logical to me. they do know that after one warning that my tummy is upset that if they persist in whatever is making it worse that I have zero problems barfing on them and i will NOT EVER IN THIS WORLD OR LIFETIME clean it up if i have too. thank you remembers being 3 and trying to shove mashed potatoes up my nose after I told him to stop. i put a tiny, small pea size bit up his nose and he never quite looked at me the same when i took that tone again. now he stops on a dime and it doesn't matter what it is.

they are also impressed because i can call out to a stranger and have them stop - kid or adult. i did this once coming back from the univ homecoming with 2 college guys who were riding bikes and yelling f this and f that and what a c -word for a female body part - and all i said was 'language gentleman' and i did have to yell but they actually stopped and walked back to apologize. husband and the kids were totally stunned and the story about that has grown to where it is a gang of drunk frat boys yelling these things at me and it is totally hilarious to me to hear their version as it has become embellished over the years.

the tone of voice, clipped punctuation, lockjaw if you can manage it, and the logical but unthinkable consequence will get them to stop. mine are totally terrified if i whisper, just as i am of my mom. When she gets quiet and uber-polite then you had better be scared and ready to make any amend she wants. i still remember seeing her turn the jr hgh vice principal into ths state using this voice and her calm logic and terrifying politeness. even more, HE still remembers and I was 13 then!

 

[DammitJanet]

Yes the mom look...I also could use a well placed finger when in public. Never had to utter a word.

 

[buddy]

That is really good. We used to call OUR mom the mominator! I love it.

 

[TeDo]

Hound, I've tried every "voice" ever created. difficult child 1 especially just does not "get it". He does not pick up on the change in the tone of voice OR the change in my demeanor and facial expressions. I've even tried pointing to my face when I'm feeling certain things but my look is not 100% the same each time so he doesn't see it.

 

[lmf64]

TeDo, it doesn't work with my son either, maybe it's the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) in them? But with my niece and nephew all it takes is a look, I don't even have to say a word and they jump to make sure Aunty is happy. LOL Those two don't know they are the loves of my life and I would do anything to make sure they are well behaved youngsters. It's so funny, the three year old is the one to point out when someone is doing something she knows Aunty wouldn't like. The other day she and her 5 year old brother were in the other room playing and I heard her say Jackson you know Aunty will get mad if you do that to which he responded yeah I better not do it. I don't know what it was, but glad to know they know what's right and wrong, even if the rules are different for me, grandma and grandpa, grammy and mama and papa.

 

[susiestar]

Tedo, your child is at least as able to get it as pavlov's dogs were. Figure out what would work for you as a gesture or sound and use that every time you correct something or would us the mom look. Janet used her finger but that probably wouldnot work as well. My mom cleared her throat and the entire family stopped instantly. Even when she had a cold. the dog and cats would/do stop at that sound too. All my friends from elem through married life responded too, even if they didn't know why.

i use a finger snap. i don't snap fingers often because the arthritis, but when talking would not fit in well or would be rude, i do it and my family knows darn well what that means and they respond. I haven't ever had to snap a second time.

At first, each time you tell him no, or stop, use the sound/snap/whatever. Don't say 'when I do this it means xxx", just do it each time you say no, stop, i don't like htat or whatever. Be sure that is the only time and it is the same thing each time. Think of it as you 'gang sign' and only throw it when you mean it. if you are consistent, it will eventually work.

if that doesn't, you can always dump a cup of water on him. kidding!!! just be consistent and it will get through.

i did find that if they started ignoring what i said it meant i was talking too much. Sometimes not yelling f they are used to it, or yelling if you are quiet, gets their attention.

 

[Hound dog]

Hmmm. Maybe you and Imf64 need to come for lessons from me and Susie, Tedo. It's a fine art, needed to be mentored to learn to use effectively. My grandmother had it down pat. And in all the years I lived with her I never ever needed to be disciplined. The look was enough. (and I was a difficult child) My mom had it too but often ruined it with yelling, so she wound up resorting to physical punishment. So with her the Look meant pain. With gramma it wasn't like that. She had what she called The Power. lol

Travis had/has issues with most facial expressions/tones/innuendos ect......but the Mom Look, he totally responded to instantly, same with the Voice. Only time he didn't was during a rage or when he did the autistic zoning out thing. (but I never had to use it for the zoning out thing either as he was just vacant during those times)

And as Janet said, never underestimate a well place finger......works better with fingernails. You could try that in combo with the Mom Look/Voice to run your point home. I have found fingernails in the armpit with just enough pressure does wonders, works good on the inside of the upper arm too. Once my kids decided to yelp (this was nearly always used in public) to gain sympathy.....which is when they quickly discovered that Mom wasn't using anywhere near the amount of pressure they thought I was and it cut that yelp off fast.

I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing at grandson Connor who is about 19-20 mos, and as you can imagine quite good at finding trouble and is already showing autistic traits. Nana says No with the Mom Voice and he stops cold. He'll look at me and frown with the cutest frown ever, but he won't go back to whatever it was he was doing.........until he forgets and has to try it again. lol

Now Brandon is a little tougher because he was pretty spoiled before Connor arrived. But he's learned Nana is no nonsense rather quickly. He likes to push the boundaries and I think he might have inherited my stubbornness. But so far I can out stubborn him. If I can out stubborn Travis, I can out stubborn anyone. whew

I dunno. It has to be done with attitude. You don't hope it works, you just know it will sort of thing. Sort of a subconscious certainty. I never have *thought* about doing it........I just DO. I think it's a skill that has is becoming lost with all the "modern" forms of parenting.

 

[TeDo]

I'll have to work on that ONE sign that is never used for anything else. Thanks for the input. Sorry I kind of hijacked your thread susie. It wasn't intentional. ((((HUGS)))

 

[InsaneCdn]

You either have "it", or you don't.
I don't.
K2... does.

Case in point: Sub in class, class out of control... one "look" across the room, one or two stage-whipered words, and... order returns. Sub isn't even aware of what happened... (K2 is in elementary...)

 

[DammitJanet]

My finger was used when were playing in sports. All I had to do was basically raise a finger and they knew they were one moment away from getting pulled from the game and they sorely didnt want to have that happen. I would sit on the very first row of the bleachers and point at them. Almost like a video game. Go here...go there. Down. Sit. A zipper motion across my mouth. My eyes would open wide and they knew that 1 finger would go up and it meant that had one more time for me to point at them and it was over.

 

[susiestar]

lisa, you are right about the mentoring and the knowing. husband always hopes the kids wll listen to him and it never works. Wiz was 18 mos when he laughed when husband scolded him and gave him time out. he told husband that daddies are funny but mommies are serious. and he was right!

The deal with the 2 college kids was out of my mouth before i even knew i had said it. I just had not heard the c word used in such a public setting with women and kids and this was totally a whole community type event - with lots of kids events at every corner of the campus. i sure had never heard it yelled before in any setting.

No worries on hijacking - it is an interesting thread.

i do have finger signs, so did my mom. She used some sign language signals and never told us to shut up. she would move her fingers against her thumb like making a duck bill that is quacking and we knew that it was time to zip it. i can get my kids attention even from the back of the audience when they are on stage and have them sit or stand still or stop it depending on what that finger is doing. never really thought about it.

jess can get the cat to sit using her finger from across the room. She says his first name - captain is his first name, not morgan - and points down ith her finger and he sits. it is adorable but she has to truly be angry, playing wont' do it. husband is truly jealous as captain owns him and won't do a dang thing his slave wants him to do. husband is the slave, captain the owner. All i have to do is call his name and he will stop no matter what. If i say out he leaves the room, any room, no matter what. If he gets out and is across the yard and i say in, he runs fast to get in. This is a cat who has to take a nap if he walks across the living room to his bowl in the kitchen, so seeing him run is unusual and funny as all get out.

 

[AnnieO]

My Mom has the Look down perfectly. She terrifies husband and the kids (husband mostly, but I've never seen the kids do something twice after the Look).

husband says I do pretty good with it. Unfortunately it does.not.work. on Jett - because first I have to get him to look at me. Which a normal tone of voice does not do. Due to prior mothering, I must scream at him. I asked him why, because I do NOT like screaming. Why do I have to scream for you to DO ANYTHING? He shrugged and said he didn't know. I've tried the lowered, clipped voice... Scares the bejeebers out of Onyxx. The dog will sit down out of the way immediately. Cats freeze. husband stops in his tracks. Jett? Blithely does whatever it was he was doing. Pointing, snapping fingers, none of that works on Jett. Only screaming. Which is horrible because I HATE HATE HATE it!!!

My Dad. He has the lowered voice down perfectly. One of our coworkers (we worked for the same company years ago) once told me that he was terrified of my Dad because he never knew whether he was in a good mood - so I gave him a hint. Dad loves his Tony Lamas, wears them a LOT. So I told Greg - when his voice goes down an octave, he gets really quiet and you can hear him walking... RUN. I do this occasionally, but it doesn't work on Jett, or on a raging Onyxx. (In fact, it seems to make Onyxx rage more, because clearly I am in control of myself, and she's not...)

 

[Hound dog]

oooOOOOOohhhh. Those sort of finger signals. lol Oh, yeah, got those too. I snap my fingers and everyone stops what they're doing to find out who I'm snapping at, including the animals. I don't snap often.

Oh......I can direct Molly to do whatever I want her to do with snaps and points and hand movements. This wasn't done on purpose. Evidently I used them when I was training her as a puppy while telling her verbal commands. Works on Betsy to a certain extent, although not as much because I wasn't around her as much as a puppy. But I don't need words to direct Molly. Or Rowdy either and he was never formally trained.

Used to drive husband insane that The Power, as grandma used to call it, works just as well on animals. He couldn't do a thing with any of them.....I utter a sound, snap a finger, point or say something and they move, do whatever I tell them to do. I personally believe its because animals are to me.......just a different kind of people.

Nichole has the Look and the Voice when she stops and thinks to use it. She's getting much better at it. And you can see the difference it makes in Aubrey's behavior. Her husband on the other hand has not a clue and if he tries to discipline her she goes full blown difficult child.

easy child, sadly, does not seem to quite have the knack. Not that her kids aren't well behaved and mind her......just she has to work harder at it. She seems to lack confidence in the skill.

Also, follow through on consequences is critical in getting the Look / Voice / or hand signals to work. You have to follow through every time whether using the skill or not, no matter where you are or how much of a PIA it is to do so.

I find this topic interesting because it shows that even those parents who have this gift/skill and their children normally respond to it, they STILL have difficult children. To me that shows quite clearly that gfgdom is not parenting based, there are obviously other causes that come into play. And no the skill doesn't work every time under all circumstances, just 99 percent of the time. You also learn when to apply it so that it's most effective.

I've had neighbors watch me with both children and my pets. They find it fascinating and amusing. They've asked me over the years if I'm training my kids like they're pets or my pets as if they're kids. My reply is always "Is there a difference?" LOL

 

[trinityroyal]

This has been such an interesting thread.

I use hand and finger signals, and the low quiet voice as well, and it works a treat with all of the children, strangers' children, husband, etc. Since I fidget, and usually have a smile on my face, the thing that seems to unnerve people is when I'm still and my facial expression is serious.

husband tends to shout from across the room or from another room, and the children ignore him. Or they stop what they're doing, and resume after a minute or two. I tend to go to where the trouble is. My footsteps, loud to begin with, get more firm -- usually the bad behaviour has stopped before I even walk in the door, unless they're being so raucous that they can't hear me coming.

I LOVE the name MOMinator. My husband calls me "The War Department", as in "I'm not sure if I can make it to Guys' Night Out. Have to check with The War Department". I rather like it.

 

[donna723]

I have an aunt, the sweetest lady on the face of the earth, who was the absolute master at this! She had six kids, four boys and two girls. The oldest three boys were very close in age and were holy terrors ... to put it nicely. Even as very small children they had a reputation for being rowdy and in to everything and it didn't help that the third to the oldest one was a dead ringer for Dennis the Menace. Looked just like him. Their dad was a big, tough talking no-nonsense Army Major with a bad temper but the one they were really scared of was their mom! She could stop them dead in their tracks just by giving them the "mom look"! She didn't have to say a word! And when they got really out of line, she would give them the "mom look", raise one finger, and quietly say, "One!" And what ever they were doing would come to a screeching halt! I think I heard her get to "Two!" maybe one time, and I never heard her have to get as far as "Three". Apparently what happened at "Three" was a fate worse than death!

And the funniest part is that she can still do it! She's almost 90 now and her kids are in their early 60's and late 50's. And I have no doubt that she could still stop them dead in their tracks just by giving them that "mom look" or putting up that finger and saying, "One!"

 

[susiestar]

oh yeah, donna, counting. my mom did that. i did it with wiz and at age 18 mos he would just count along iwth me. i said firmly 'one' and he would go 'two three four five six!' and be so super proud of himself. yes, at 18 mos he could count to thirty. he counted to 100 at 2 when we were in the car one day. AT five he went to 1000.

he also loathed seven and eight. would not under any circumstances say them when he counted. seven was bedtime and eight meant it was way past bedtime and he had to hurry to bed with just one story. usually we did two or three short books (where did the brown bear go, polar bear polar bear and a board book called animal babies, i can STILL recite most of these word for word and the other two had different must reads!), but if it was 8 we only did one. he did not tie the numbers to a clock or time, they just meant bedtime and bedtime was not a good thing in his book, lol. we had conferences with his daycare, kdg, and several relatives also were super worried until we explained it.

but my mom and dad? three was not at all something we wanted! EVER. But even my folks stopped counting when Wiz just counted with them. Tehy could never keep a straight face again, not even when they count at me, lol! if only i had known that as a kid, sigh....

wiz used to long for 12. from the time he was maybe 2 it was not enough to say that he could do somethign when he was older. he insisted on a number that would mean he was old enough to do it. So we said 'when you are 12'. boy was he thinking he was all that and more whne he turned 12. 13 was a real bummer because then it was a looooooooong time if we said he could do someething when he was 12. And we did at times. the look on his face right after he turned 13 and i said this was hilarious. he got into "i am past 12 so i can do it now because 13 is more than 12 and you can't stop me" koi. Then I explained that no, he could do those things when he is 12 - next time he is 12. not at any age older than 12.

he used to BEG his coaches to be number twelve on the soccer team. each coach asked me why, privately, and each coach 'accidentally' gave him another number, lol!! The moms who coached thought he was hilarious to even try that! It was really really funny! then he griped to one coach and she told him she ahd a discipline rule that if you got itno trouble you had to do something the number of times on your shirt, so she gave shirts out based on how much of a whiner/troublemaker you were. he had four and was thrilled at that because there was no one or two. he even commented that maybe her son should have had 3 or 4. She said no because he didn't like to listen to her. she did give Wiz the choice of trading for shirt 12, but he declined, lol. i have to say it did work for her though, the shirt thing.

i think part of the reason the look/voice/finger works is because they may not totally be sure what the consequence will be. they know that we are firm and won't hesitate to enforce a consequence, but they are not totally sure what the consequence for ignoring the voice is. my kids knew that i would totally remove all electronics, or make them listen to some music they hated, or esp clean something or send friends home or worse, give friends chores to do with my kids. but they are never sure exactly what, just that they will HATE it.

Step, when you use the voice or finger or snap, and o responds but j does not, reward o for responding and tell jett he gets consequence x for the infraction and y for not listening. y should be the worst of the 2.

i was a yeller for years. when i stopped the kids mostly stopped listening. I conditioned them to respond to yelling. Then i unconditioned them by never ever yelliing except for immediate safety things like 'stop' if they were about to run in front of a car. it took a few weeks, but it worked. there were also times when if the kids would only listen when i yelled, then i would yell everything. usually took a morning before school to haave them begging me to stop and by bedtime they were ready for me to whisper and to jump off a building if i whispered that from across a room. i yelled good morning, did you sleep well, put on your coat, time to go, how was school, etc.... At school I yelled have a great day, i love you, etc...

Then I started whispering when i was upset - the very day after the yelling. I would get their attention wtih a snap, and then would whisper, which meant they had to come to me or the consequence was dire. i didnt' just take a game or toy away, they also had to go clean something yucky. i had Wiz do the litterbox whch was husband's job, scrape out containers that were left in the fridge too long, scrub the tub and shower, etc....

with consistency and a week of carrying through and using some creatve consequences, i had kids who didn't need to be yelled at anymore. now it wasn't forever, there is always maintenance, but it worked.

This thread is fun! I have such funny, great memories of little Wiz just stymieing me at 18 mos with the counting. then of the parade of people who were soooooooooooo concerned because he could count to such high numbers but refused to say certain ones. Daycare age was a lot of fun with Wiz, had problems but he always had something going on in his mind. we could see the wheels turning up there and it was one of the most fun/enjoyable/enriching/rewarding times of parenthood for husband and I. Ditto for each of the other two.

Jess was as much fun wtih counting, but different. every kid in our complex, even much older, would respond f seh counted at them. One jr high kid just flat out stopped hitting another kid and cursing at him because my then 5yo daughter ran over the playground and said "one!" in that uber firm mom voice. it was sooooo cute and funny to hear it in her voice out of that little cute body with her long blonde hair in a ponytail on top of her head like Pebbles Flintstone! This kid was rough, really not a nice kid and he didn't live n our complex. he just stopped, mid swing. several adults had come running at the sound of the fight, incl me, so he left. but all of the adults praised jess and later she was the talk of the complex wth that one command!

I don't know why anyone sees furkids and humankids as different things. makes no sense to me. My mom's famous advce for new moms, newlyweds, and women becoming youn adults is the same: men, children and animals all need the same training methods. simple one word commands, consistency, variable rewards - get the reward every time at first, then taper to an irregular schedule, tons of praise and if you are not going to go MAKE no happen, then don't ever say it.

She is right, of course. a couple fo years ago several friends and i were laughing about this. when they al got maried they were sure my mom was a bit off her rocker because this. then they had kids, pets, husband's, etc... each of their wedding scrapbooks has this in it at the bridal shower section!