The other shoe dropped...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Sep 17, 2010.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well I have been feeling uneasy lately because my difficult child seems to not be following the rules we have set up but not super obviously. I was feeling if he wasn't following some of the smaller ones he probably was not following the ones we had set up around car use. Howevery I was hesitant to just take car use away and was kind of waitinng to see what happened. But it made me feel very uneasy.
    I had no real evidence of drug or alcohol use with the car. He always seemed sober when he came home etc.

    So tonight he asks if a friend can come home with him. Same friend as last week when i found the pot. I said yes but no drugs in the house. He said, sounding very sincere, yeah I get that.

    So quite a while later we get the call. He is having a problem with the police and they don't feel comfortable with him driving home. Uh Oh. I felt so calm almost numbed. At this point we are way too used to going and fetching him from the police....most parents would be very upset but I just can't be any more. It is like par for the course with him.

    So we get to where they are. Not at the police station but in a parking lot. The cop comes over and talks to us. They stopped him because he was speeding, 66 in a 30 mile hour zone. Yikes. They smell pot in the car and there is all kinds of paraphernalia. So that gives them the right to search. They start to search and ask him if there is anything they will find. He says no... but then as they are searching he tells them they will find alcohol. Good thing because they would have found it anyways. So there is some beer. He is 18 so that is illegal. The alcohol was not open, they told the cops they were bringing it to our house to drink. Ahem.... no that is not allowed!!!!!

    So they did not feel comfortable with him driving because although he told them he smoked 2 hours before they did not believe it was that long ago and the car smells like pot.

    So he is NOT being charged with driving under the influence. He was not directly arrested. He is being summonsed for the speeding (they are only saying 40 in a 30 mile hour zone which is a break right there) and for being in possession of alcohol in the car. This is a police dept where he already has two other charges pending. They already know him. They are giving him a break.... partly because he has since gotten a job and seems to be trying to get on track.

    But he has blown it big time once again. Sigh.

    I have not said much to him. I did ask if he had anything he wanted to say to us. He said no except to acknowledge that I broke every rule around the car. Well that is a good thing. My husband drove him home and asked his work schedule next week and my difficult child is that so you can figure out about driving me to work?

    So at least he knows he is not going to be able to use the car. I suspect he is pretty upset with himself. But he is probably upset he got caught and is mad that he was speeding.... I doubt he is really looking at how he keeps screwing up.

    I just wish he would learn to follow rules....our rules, societies rules.

    So we haven't said much. I am realizing the less talking I do the better. LOL. It is better when he realizes things for himself..

    My husband and I are talking about the car use. Ideally we would just not let him use it at all.... BUT he now has a job. I really don't want to do anything to screw that up because that is the one thing he has done to get on the right track. And us driving him to and from work is really painful. It is the opposite direction from where we work and his hours are odd.

    So one thought is to get one of these car tracking things that shows where the car is going, how fast you are going. And that we allow him to use the car to drive to and from work but no where else. Have any of you ever used one of these things or have one?

    I so want to ask him so you still don't think your drug use is a problem??? I am going to keep my mouth shut, I am going to keep my mouth shut, I am going to keep my mouth shut!!!!!
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I think you know what I will say. I wouldn't let him use a car of ours anytime to go anywhere period. If the insurance and/or car is in your name you are responsible. difficult child has not driver in a year and a half. He has broken every rule you set down. It's time to draw the line int he sand. I know it's tough but you are a tough mom.

  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nancy,

    It would be so much easier to not let him use the at all if he didn't have a job and if there was some kind of public transportation around here. Basically without car use or us driving him he has no way to get to work..... and the one thing positive going on in his life is he has a job and he has been responsible about it.

    I really feel if we set it up so he can't work then he will spiral down into depression and just give up and we will end up back where we were in June.

    The one thing he has continued is to stay calm when we disagree and to keep his cool and to not be volatile or really unpleasant. That will change if he spirals downwards.

    So we have bought a tracking system which we will be installing in the next couple of days. Until then we are driving him to work. After that he will be allowed Occupational Therapist (OT) drive to work and home again... and we will be able to see that he does that and also if he goes over the speed limit.

    He did tell us that the police did have him do sobriety testing which he passed... and I am sure that is why they did not arrest him.

    I totally get where you are coming from but I really want to support him working because that is a very positive step he has taken.

    I will absolutely kick him out of the house if he starts getting violent or threatening as he did before.

    The other thing he is facing is 3 pending court cases all while he was on probation. He may end up in jail...I don't want that to happen but it may. My hope is they will put him on supervised probation...right now he is on unsupervised probation which is really kind of useless. We are not getting him a lawyer at this point and he hasn't asked us to. We are not paying any of his fines or probation fees or the speeding ticket.

    One thing I have realized in the last couple of days is I kind of have to get out of his way. The more he feels like I am trying to control his behavior the more he fights against it.... and so sometimes does the really stupid things because he knows I would not like it. He will still probably do really stupid things but he seems to make better choices when he has a chance to think things through on his own....and is not trying to rebel against me.

    Thanks for your thoughts..... I guess I am not quite as tough as I thought I was.