This Can't Be Good...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Dec 6, 2011.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Got a message from the Behavior Therapist that difficult child needs to talk to us about her "future".

    Well, that can't be good...

    Last time difficult child wanted to discuss her future, it was because we "ruined her life" and she has no options and her future s*cks and it is all our fault.

    Well, geez!

    It's not our fault she is flunking out of school...

    and lost her part-time job...

    and has no goals...

    and no ambition.

    husband told her that regardless of anything - she is out when she turns 18. He has had ENOUGH. And difficult child has already been arguing her case that if she has no money and no place to go, then she's just gonna have to stay here...

    after all - it's all our fault.

    So now that Behavior Therapist wants to get involved - my guess is that she wants to discuss difficult child's fears that she'll really, really have to move out....and the therapist *knows* we don't mean that...


    Why can't we just focus on the goal of trying to help difficult child be a successful human being? Instead of continuing to focus on how Mom and Dad are just not doing enough as paretns?
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Wow. It sounds like Behavior Therapist is maybe too sympathetic with difficult child? She has 2 years to go before she's 18 and you CAN kick her out, whether you would or not. Why the push NOW? Good luck with that conversation....again. Let us know how it goes. My curiosity is piqued.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This is why I don't get this whole theory behind this method. What in there teaches or reinforces to the difficult child that the difficult child is repsonsible for his/her own choices and that no one can change others, they can only change themselves?
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Well...just got off the phone with the Behavior Therapist - and yep...that's EXACTLY what she wanted to talk about: Why would we kick difficult child out at 18? When she'll have no job, no money and no place to go?


    I reminded the therapist that our goal is *supposed* to be helping difficult child become a successful adult. So why are we worried about what she is going to do at 18? Shouldn't we be helping her learn necessary skills right now? Like say - brushing her teeth? wearing clean clothes? doing homework? etc?

    Maybe if difficult child can start 'getting it together'...she won't have to worry about what happens at 18.

    The only good news is that therapist realized I was right...and she is going to re-direct difficult child's concerns to the here and now.

    Whew! Glad that's over (for now, anyway...)
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This one might be inexperienced, but sounds like she's better than what you HAVE had...
    As in... yes, you're having to teach the "professional", but at least she's listening.
    Even if you're doing most of the thinking... the message coming from a third party to difficult child has to be better than coming from you.
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    She listened to you? OMG. Yes, that IS better!

  7. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    At least she listened to you. And I agree with you that the focus should be on preparing difficult child to deal with what life will have in store for her rather that turning the focus onto you. At this point, it's not about you anymore.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    At least she heard you, and agreed that difficult child needs to work on the now.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Nice work! Crazy how some things are so predictable ... you saw that coming a mile away ....
  10. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Daisy, this is where we are at with difficult child 1. We will be the meanest parents in the world, of course.

    When difficult child 1 was 15, she told us she would be leaving at 18. I let her know how 18 is a magic number for everyone involved. It is the first day of choice. She has the choice to leave and we have the choice in whether she stays. We warned her if she didn't start respecting our rules and showing common decency towards the family, she would be out. Why would we choose to inflict our kids with the stress when we don't have to? As her 18th birthday grew nearer (in 399 days), we thought she would be motivated to change her ways. Nothing. I totaled the gross cost of her medications, as a motivator. Nothing. She just stares, as usual.

    Again, we will be the meanest parents to boot out such a sweet child. :::sigh:::
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yep - sounds like I'm preaching to the choir!

    TeDo--Yes, I think the therapist takes difficult child's version of events before really thinking it through. It was clear that difficult child has been telling her all kinds of things that are out-and-out lies. Sadly, therapist has not yet learned that most everything difficult child says must be verified before acting on it.

    K--Yes, exactly. How is this teaching difficult child to start taking responsibility for herself if the plan is just to go back to Mom and Dad and whine about how we arer being "unfair" ???

    Insane--That's what I think, too....difficult child is more receptive if things are coming from anybody besides the parents

    Step--Yeah - a therapist listening to a parent? That's new!

    Bunny--Exactly! At what point does difficult child have to begin learning how to take the reins of her own life?

    KTMom--Yes - I am grateful that the therapist is willing to listen and then go back to difficult child and work on the things we discuss instead of following her own agenda.

    Buddy--Sad isn't it? I guess we've been in therapy a little tooooooo long...

    Methuselah--Yeah, I don't know what it will take to get through to these kids that the gravy train (and this IS the gravy train, despite how they describe it) is going to end. Oh well - maybe some of those other folks would be happy to open their doors to these "poor, sweet"