Three Shadows,
You know......In thinking all my life with like minded thoughts - why was I tossed like garbage, why wasn't I good enough, why didn't anyone want me? It was a life altering chain of thoughts that litearally changed my brain chemistry and what I often refer to as brain mapping. The way our brains are formed, or rather the way we form our thoughts over and over and over to the point that this must be the way we are. Concrete thinking, no way to change it. Or I'm so set in my ways. You hear this a lot in older people. Well as I went through my journey in life and in therapy I was often asked these most perplexing questions. Uniquely to my situatin at times I thought - and now sitting back I feel narcissism at it's best [humbled by my own spiritual growth and self enlightment] I'll pose a few of these questions to you because my friend you are hurting, and if you hurt? And I have a simple, logical thought for you to ponder - and never ask - then I hurt to. So here goes.
What if - the questions that you should ask yourself or should have asked yourself all these years IS NOT - "What is my fatal flaw? Why was I never good enough?" BUT - "What hell was my Mother gonig through that I could not POSSIBLY have understood as a child, for her to be so disconnected from such a wonderful, loving, beautiful, caring, adorable, sweet, kind, thoughtful, pretty, intelligent, whitty, humurous, daughter such as me?"
This is a much more sensible question that I ask you - and I know this to be true because -
It is something that I could ask or answer honestly to someone under oath in a court of law.
It is a question I could ask or tell a child.
It is something I could ask my best friend as truth. As it is a true statement.
So dear one - all these years you've been uspet for a reason, it's just a wrong reason. True, your Mother may not have made a connection with you. But it wasn't because you had one fatal flaw dear one, it was because your Mother was ill, and had no way to express this flaw in an appropriate manner to you. Maybe to others, but sadly not to you, and that was not your fault. The sadness you feel is quite in deed mouring loss of what should have been, but my thought is that her sadness now in knowing what should have been is greater and someday there will be an eternity - instead of 60 or 70 years and it will be worked out.
People always want to put a human condition with a disaster hoping to name it and get closure and sometimes? There just isn't rhyme or reason for insanity like what your Mother suffered from. You're Mom has moved on from the pain - you need to do the same, and know you ARE all the things I said you are and more. You're Mom knew it too- she was just a very ill person who couldn't express it to you.
I hope this makes sense. I hope you are able to let go of the anger, and the sadness - and really believe what I'm telling you. What life or years you do have left here on this earth? You need to spend watching the smiles on your face and the happy lines around your eyes move up and down - NOT the shrapnel in your heart. Mend it - and bend your smile up.....up.......up. read what I wrote again - because I'm telling you -
Children are innocents - you were innocent - There could have been 12 kids and for whatever reason - 11 were smiled at and one wasn't but it's still a sickness - and not anything to do with you. No matter what you heard, what was said -
YOU ARE WONDERFUL and YOU ARE LOVED ,and WEll - that's it - (reread it all) lol
Hugs -
Star