Tips on how to kill the mother in law (and preferably not get caught)?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SuZir, May 6, 2012.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm so furious that I can't see straight. Mother's Day is coming and our tradition has been that mother in law's kids and husband treat her (and their own families) a brunch in certain restaurant. It has mostly been enjoyable to also us. husband, well not that dear right now, just told me, that mother in law had asked that we would not take difficult child with us this time. There are often many friends and acquittance in the same restaurant and she feels embarrassed because of the difficult child (the gossip has gone around and many know about his troubles.)

    I'm furious at mother in law because this is just so over the line for me. She lives very near (and our moving away is not a possibility), has been helpful in many ways, is close and excellent granny to the easy child and there is a lot of old baggage in the situation which is mostly on me, so I have been very adjustable for her over the years. But this is just too much. I will not let her do this to my son. It's not like he would be drunk or high and make a scene at the brunch. So what, if people do know, that he really screw up (and has paid for it and is working hard to gain back his old stands.) It is not like he would be the only kid in that room who has screwed up. Or that many of those said friends and acquittance have their own kids or grandkids who have done it. Or heavens sake, have done it themselves. And it is not like he killed, maimed or raped someone. And I'm not much less furious with DH to even telling me about this. He should certainly know better than even imply that I should consider this. He should had told straight away to his mother that it would absolutely not be happening.

    I will spend my Mother's Day with my beloved sons. And that is it. If husband wants to be somewhere else, it is his business. I would so want to tell mother in law that there is no way in h*** that me or my sons would come after this. But unfortunately there is other side in this also. Boys will want to go. We have always done it and they do enjoy it. They want to see their cousins etc. Especially easy child will want to go (if we are not telling that difficult child is not welcome, that could change things for him also.) If I now come up with some new alternative that I want to do for Mother's Day and we do not go to the brunch, they will not buy it. easy child and especially difficult child are smart boys, they will smell something is rotten. And difficult child will guess what it is and feel very bad because of it. And other than that, I do not want to let mother in law to chase my son out of our extended family. No way!

    Any good tips for perfect murder?
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    Oh H E doublehockeysticks she didn't!?!?!?!?!? A bit too matriarchal for my taste. Granted this started out as a thin specifically for mother in law, but as the years went on and the family grew, did it at least a little bit become a celebrations for ALL the moms in the family? or has it remained something just for the self absorbed witch?

    Do this to your son???????? EXCUSE ME? She's not doing anything to your son here. She's doing it to you. She's attempting to deny you half your motherhood on this most special of days. If it were me? There's not much she could say or do to get me to go at this point (or course, I'm really awesome at holding a grudge :) )

    As for your actual question, sorry. Wish I did - would have used them on FH.
  3. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    About 10 years ago, husband and I decided, with the help of a counselor, that we would no longer go to mother in law for mother's day. It was just that, a celebration for her. We were expected to bring an assigned dish (which meant cooking on mother's day-no way husband could make the dish), and spend our day there. I resented it for years. I wanted our own traditions (inlaws took up all the holidays). Counselor said we needed to tell mother in law we would not be coming anymore. We tried to make arrangements for the other holidays like one year their place and one year we stayed home, didn't work, they were furious. We cut the apron strings and do not go to any holiday celebrations (other reasons for this including our difficult child). To this day they still call my husband and invite him (yes 10 years later!). I would be honest and explain your feelings, then respect her wishes and stay home as a family. The kids will recover, make it a fun day.
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    O!M!W! I think husband needs to man up to his mother and tell her it is unreasonable to think that your family would be there without difficult child, that it is also your Mother's Day and that he in particular has now been put in an the unenviable position of having to choose between his wife and his mother due to her selfishness.
  5. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Like pp, you need to talk with husband and be very clear on how YOU feel. It is mother's day for every mothers, not just his mother. No one should be excluded, but if she makes you choose, of course you wil choose your son for this one day and every other days! husband needs to hear it in case he is still unsure of what to do.
    He is the one who needs to talk to mother in law.
    Your boys are old enough to understand the truth (and as you said would connect the dots togther anyway), so it is probably something you can discuss as a family if mother in law can't listen to reason. Not pleasant for anyone, but at least it will show your boys that you respect them enough to tell them the truth, and love them enough to saty with them.
    Just my 2 cents.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohh, I'm so sorry. I agree, I would ask husband to intervene. If she sticks to her guns, he'll have to split his day between the two of you--brunch with-one, dinner with-the other.

    My mom questioned whether my husband should be in my little sister's wedding as a groomsman because he had a cast on his lower leg. She said it would ruin the pictures.
    Luckily, my little sister stood up for husband.
    Some people are not into ... people. Even though they say they are. :(
    Best of luck. Try not to waste too much energy stewing about it.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well, I'm probably going to be the UNPOPULAR yet UNDERSTANDING voice of one in this crowd. But I hope you hear me out without throwing anything at me. UGH I can't believe I'm even going to say this let alone think it.....but here goes.

    Natural consequences. Unfortunately this is one of them, in a long list of things that our childrens' behaviors bring about on themselves. Like you said - there probably isn't one other person in that room full of family or friends that probably hasn't done whatever it is that your son did also - HOWEVER - their Grandmother may have accepted it and moved on. YOUR Mother in law has the right to NOT accept his behavior, and be embarrased by his actions and choose to not have him present. No he's not a murderer, or a rapist - but at some point in his life he's going to have to realize that NOT everyone is going to say "I understand what you did, and why you did it." There will be people that LOVE him - but not unconditionally like you. There are going to be people in his life that after a certain age (and apparently with her he's reached it) are going to say "Enough is enough - and it's time for you to accept the consequences of your actions and THAT INCLUDES - not being in my company because - you did XYZ and were an embarrassment to yourself, and your family and part of those consequences in her mind and the natural order of things - are NOT spending time with her until HE redeems himself."

    I don't like it any better than you do - that he's being ostracized. HOWEVER - sometimes I came to my sons defense a little to readily and a little too many times - when my family was involved and stepped in with excuses beacuse he had "Issues, or he had behavior problems - and tried to protect him." instead of allowing natural consequences and allowing him to KNOW what it was like to feel unwanted by family because he ALREADY felt so unwanted by the rest of the world.

    My Mother? Is a perfect example of this. I've been trying to patch her and my sons relationship for years and in essence she is the quintecential epitome of "If you put a black mark on our family name? I want nothing to do with you." - So where do you think that leaves my son? He's tried to reach out to her - even now that he's somewhat putting his life back together again and finally I blew up and said "WHEN will he ever be good enough for you?" I got no response - just an ugly look that I had been a little too big for MY britches. I realized later that she loves him - but this is her way of not getting involved in problems, and heartache, and it really does break her heart, but in HER lifetime - you avoided people that caused problems. You didn't invite them to dinner. This method meant that either they were so shamed they never ever did it again to get back into the famly graces again - OR they stayed away and that - The family name was spared from gossip. - Further horrid gossip.

    I don't know how old your mother in law is - but if it's a generation thing? Maybe it's time to start a new tradition in YOUR Generation - and explain to YOUR boys that you've decided to do something new.

    I'm a little stinker anyway - I'd probably say "I think what WE'll do is GO to that restaurant - and SIT somewhere else......" That way if easy child wants to go see Granny? They can do it - and you and me difficult child can sit right here." -----That way you're honoring Granny, easy child gets to see Granny, difficult child gets to go too - and husband doesn't get stuck in the middle of a bunch of junk. And Granny can't say you brought difficult child to HER party. YOu brought him to YOUR party. SO there.
  8. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the ideas (I could still take few tips for perfect murder, just in case :cool:)

    I made it perfectly clear to husband that I wasn't going anywhere without difficult child at mother's day. And his mother, his job to make her understand that.

    I'm sure mother in law will 'see a reason' because how 'embarrassing' would that be and what would people say, if I and sons were missing?!? :rolleyes:

    These brunches are not bad at all per se. Yeah, they are much about mother in law (but everything always is with her), but husband's siblings and their families are mostly a cool bunch. And it doesn't take whole day. Our tradition has been that sons bake a cake for me at day before, mother's day morning bring me a breakfast to bed and after that we have some silly old things we do. After that is the brunch and now that sons are older, even getting them dressed is not a battle any more like it used to be. I only get "Moooom, can I put jeans?" "Nope" "At least I'm not having a tie!" "Okay honey, you can go without this time but make sure your shoes are polished." (It's not like they would need to wear a tie, it is informal family gathering early in the day and we are living in the country with very lax dress codes, I just don't tell them that.) And in the afternoon after brunch we still have nicely time to do things as a family. Usually husband comes up with afternoon and evening activity. So I can't complain about our mother's day traditions.

    But if mother in law doesn't want my son there, she can be very sure, that neither am I going (and I can't see easy child wanting to go if that is the situation.) husband would maybe just stop by and be very uncomfortable because he very well knows how angry I will be if difficult child gets excluded. And that while I may take a lot of bull from others if I feel it is advisable, you sure don't want to hurt my babies.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I have a different take on it - if you're going to make the stand and be offended. I would say MY babies - FACE ME. I'd go right to her and say what was on MY mind. I wouldn't send a man to do a WOMANS job. I'd go to her and tell her myself. You can bet the ranch on that one. YOU -offend MY child? You don't have to look over your shoulder for ANNNNNNNNNNNNyone else but me. And we'll get it worked out. Trust that. I'd want to know from the horses mouth WHAT it is that my son did that was SO horrible (seeing that this is something that others have done) that keeps him out of her limelight - and what makes HER so bloody special anyway? She's a woman just like any other woman. True enough she's my husbands Mother, but that doesn't give her the right to SNUB my children individually - and if it does - then she needs to rethink a lot of family functions - because I'd want to know - IS IT MOthers Day - or are we going to dance like this for Labor Day, Fourth of July? Family Reunions? Just how much power does she think she weilds?

    Yup - time to go see dear old Mom. Yourself. And either way - bury an axe. Or whatever your choice of weapon is - Just remember If you're in florida? You can do 30 years for throwing a flower pot. ----and missing.
  10. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I hear you. And thanks for pointing out that side of this.

    My only problem with that is, that mother in law didn't have a problem a year ago, then things were much fresher, but fewer had yet heard about it. And the problem is also that this goes far back and starts with something that difficult child had absolutely nothing to do with. First of, I wasn't the right girl for her precious son and mostly so because of my lineage so to say (all those talented but troubled difficult child's I have behind me.) And then I did do something that certainly proved her right. Let's just say that I can give a run for their money to any difficult child in self-destruction when I put my mind into it. And that while we had been few years married when difficult child was born, he happens to be one of those children who doesn't look at all like their dad and not much like his mom (not that he looks like his biological father either.) easy child is spitting image of his dad and people don't often even believe that difficult child and easy child are brothers so unfortunately that has given fuel to some gossip and joking also. mother in law has never been okay with difficult child after she found out (and he was only few months old at the time) or with her son decision to stay with us. That is her right and I certainly understand why she doesn't like me. But blaming my son about that is too much. And partly this is about that. If it was some of her other grandkids who would had done the same my son did, it would not be an issue.

    But you are very right about natural consequences. My son have had them very hard, much harder than any legal punishment would had been. What he did was kept under wraps, partly because in our system only legal consequence would had been a smallish fine, maybe 100-200 dollars. That could had led difficult child to think, that this was just a small matter. Giving difficult child an impression everyone was doing him a favour with not reporting him and that he got really lucky in 'only' having those other consequences (getting kicked from his team, having to move from home to the small town three hour drive away, having a very big dive in his standard of living, having to deal with the totally new team, there everyone knew what he had done and thought he was a total rat and wanted nothing to do with him, having a huge step back when it came to his future goals and dreams etc.) And yeah, I think he needed all that to drive it through to him, how badly he was screwing his life because of his addiction. But after how he has handled all that, how hard he has worked and how much he has gained back of the lost things, I just don't give a rat's a** what mother in law may think is embarrassing.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    AHhhhh I see - she is one of THOSE MILs.

    Well then - I'll tell you the story of MY xmil. Her son and his girlfriend ran her over - blamed it on her....said the van must have jumped out of reverse at 3 am, and put itself in drive while she was behind it - and drug her 4-5 houses down the road. She died from complications a week later - and those two drunks never even got charged. I doubt anyone in that family except for MY son can tell whose kid is whose...and he looks like his drunk uncle. (but there's ABSOLUTELY NO chance of that) rofl. It's just genetics.

    She didn't like me either -----I wasn't good enough for her. But the jobless, pregnant, drunken, girlfriend of her son that ran her over and blamed it on HER? - WONDERFUL. Yup. I so get where you're coming from. But I'd STILL be the one to tell her what I think. NOT my husband. I did - and when I did - my XMIL got so shocked when she tried to argue back? She spit her false teeth out of her mouth and they hit the asphalt and cracked in half. Pretty much ended her making any bold statments that day - unless she wanted to sound like Sylvester the Cat. To which I lovingly mocked her and told her to get out of MY driveway. Gosh I was really not a nice person then. I'm so happy for therapy. :flirtysmile3:
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Well it might not be "the" answer but this is actually what I would do.

    I would do. Today (not tomorrow) I would have my husband speak to his Mother briefly and nicely. "Mom we have all enjoyed our shared Mother's Day tradition and looked forward to it each year. Do you want all of my family there this year or should we make separate plans?"

    That's it. All or nothing at all. No evil words. No raised voices. No discussion about any specific member.
    Hugs. DDD
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I so get how you feel. My mother in law has decided that Onyxx is never (ever ever ever) welcome in her home. (She lives 1.5 miles from us.) So if she asks husband to do something for her, and we stop by on the way to do something? Onyxx has to stay in the car. I stay with her because how horrible is that?

    Onyxx is NEVER invited to dinner out with mother in law - but we take her anyway. mother in law makes nasty snide remarks to Onyxx when she is at our home - Onyxx lives there, not mother in law! Christmas Eve was so bad we were "this close" to asking mother in law to leave. Actually Onyxx stopped husband from doing so. Said it wasn't too bad, but one more remark and it would be. And mother in law actually left soon after. But - EEEEE.

    I like DDD's solution, really. And if she keeps it up... She is the difficult child...

    (We grill steaks & invite my parents and mother in law over... And mother in law behaves when my Mom's there, sort of a one-upsmanship thing...)
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I was so fortunate to have a mother in law that I absolutely adored.

    husband should have manned up and told his Mom that her request was ridiculous, that of course difficult child would attend, and just turned and walked away. But honestly, many men have real issues standing up to their mothers. I can tell you beyond a doubt that my husband could never have done it. And heck, for that matter, there are plenty of females that cant' stand up to their mothers either.

    The solution the way I see it? Take difficult child (of course he is going to brunch with his grandmother and mother for M's day) And mother in law can just deal with it. If it causes her embarrassment, that is not your problem, it's hers, let her own it.

    Now see, I wouldn't be insulted or even mad. I'd chalk it up to mother in law's warped perception of the world around her and get on with my holiday and refuse to let it bother me. In these modern times for anyone to assume a family does not have skeletons in their closets (or even in the wide open that no one bothers to talk about) living in a dream world.

    When my Mom had issues with my kids over the years, and trust me she did, I learned that I could either let it drive me nuts........or I could let it be her problem and make her own it, while not letting it bother me. I found I was much happier when I finally learned to do this well. You can't change people. But you can change how you choose to accept them and react to them.

    Enjoy your Mother's Day. Don't allow this silly woman to spoil it for you.

  15. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I at times hope my mother would still be here just to annoy mother in law. mother in law is very image conscious and while we live in the place that is probably one of the most egalitarian in the world, there are families with 'old money' (not that they usually have much more money than anyone else) and 'the name' and 'the culture.' mother in law's childhood family doesn't have those things, husband's father's family has to the small degree. My mother was a difficult child and never grew up from her flower child phase. But she had some of those 'names' in her backpocket- and after her sixth husband some more to choose from ;) She was loving but didn't take any responsibility about anything, ever and our highs tended to be high and lows were low (goes with the most of my family tree.) I resented that and was exactly the opposite from early teenage years. I was so proper that it is a miracle I didn't blow up (except those few times when I wasn't proper at all and instead channelled my inner difficult child with force, as I told earlier in the thread.) Time when the sons were small was probably my worst. I took myself so seriously that I was probably impossible to live with. And my mother loved to needle me on it. My rules to not give any candy to boys when they were under 5 year-olds. My garden there no dandelion dared to grow (according to her, dandelions indeed did dare despite my adamant war against them) and not one carrot would ever venture to grow awry. She also liked to point good places to grow pot in our garden, especially in front of mother in law.

    She laughed at me and made me feel bad many times, but I always knew she also loved me more than anything. And while that is not always enough, when she deceased around ten years ago, it was my time to grow up. No one left to rebel against any more. I have loosened up a lot and have to say I do like myself a lot more now. I still miss her so much. To be there to annoy mother in law, tease me and still always be in my corner.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    This would hurt me so much. I actually have had similar things, only not so direct. My family has just gone and done things with ALL of the other kids but not called or invited Q. They then talk about what a great time they had camping etc. One time they even brought my mom. It is pretty mean. thing is I likely would have said, no thanks..that would be too hard for him right now, but to not be asked? To be excluded?? Just really hurtful.

    I hope husband deals with it because even though you have the right, it will mean much more to her if she sees that her son has his loyalty first to HIS family that HE created. And it mostly would say something to you and your kids... that he holds you at the top, his priority. Anyway, that is my wish for you.
  17. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Crisis averted for now!

    husband talked with mother in law and we are now all welcome. My only problem is that I'm not sure whose cognitive function I should be more worried about: mother in law's whose explanation was: "Oh, I didn't thought Susi would mind that much" or husband's who bought that?

    With all seriousness, I'm still offended and that titbit didn't help and I don't want to to the brunch feeling like I do now, gritting my teeth and trying to pretend everything is just fine. I want to go and feel fine with it. So at least it was lucky this didn't come up just before the event. Now I have this week time to find my Zen and in Sunday be in the place there I can appreciate mother in law for all the good things she is and as someone few people I love a lot do love and appreciate while still understanding that she is who she is and not expecting anything else. Will take some mental work. I usually do that through running or some heavy physical labour so it is lucky I do have few beds in my garden in dire need of turning over. I think the easy child just lost an job opportunity and I will spend my evenings with a pitchfork in my hands and it would maybe be advisable for mother in law not to venture anywhere near me.
  18. keista

    keista New Member

    Sending some 'zen' out to you. If you run out of garden, run over here - I've got a whole jungle to tame!
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Yeah! Way To Go. DDD
  20. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Didn't think Susi would mind excluding her first born child on mother's day? Lonely is the day your own mother rejects you on mother's day. Has this woman ever met Susi? I haven't and even I get that you would definitely mind this. SHE IS JUST AS difficult child AS ANY OF OUR KIDS!

    My family same stuff happens, only with us its weddings on my brother's side - they invite me only me or me & son; me being a single mom with severely ill children could rarely find anyone to watch my kids even when little. Of the 2 nieces there were 5 weddings, the 1st one Angel was only a year old so she stayed home with her father - which I noticed there were at least 20 kids running around the reception. Um my husband (the grooms friend) has to sit home with baby and everyone else gets to bring kids? Couldn't attend any of the other 4 weddings because of kids.

    Come to think of it that whole side of the family got announcements when my son got his bachelors in psychology. I don't think he got a phone call from any of them. My sister & her adult kids sent him cards & money; but nothing from brothers side.

    I'm glad you have a few days to cool off before have to be in same room with her and I myself would sit where don't have to look directly at her; enjoy my family and the day.