Today hasn't been a good day

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sweetmama714, Oct 16, 2014.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I don't know if it's just because I'm tired (from work, from travelling, from worrying about getting this house sold so I can move on with my LIFE, of difficult child) but I've had a crying spell with no provocation.

    difficult child texted me on Sunday and asked for gas money. I didn't respond. 4 hours later, he texts "I guess not, thanks anyway"

    Monday, I get a text from a friend of mine of two posts difficult child made on FB - one selling a Coach bag, and 1 selling two Dooney wristlets.

    Of course, these are not mine- he has no access to my things- but this means he's selling his girlfriend's stuff. I have no idea if she knows. I don't know that I care. Even if she does, I think it is sad.

    My daughter was also sent those posts (because she and I are both blocked by him) by others and she sent him a text. I told her to not do that- but the damage was done. Let him BE. Who cares? Don't CREATE drama.

    It's not that I'm walking on egg shells with him- but rather, disconnecting from him and the drama that he brings. She sees it as 'catering' to him and not calling him out on his $&%@.

    Then he posts that he's been on his own since he was 17, so f&$@ family.

    Wow? Why does this offend me? This is WHO HE IS.

    /sigh.

    Up to this point, difficult child has still been on my cell phone plan- well, Tuesday- I get a text from him that he's going to transfer his number to his girlfriend's plan. To look for a call from TMobile.

    Interesting. And WONDERFUL. So they call, they have his girlfriend on 3 way (mind you, I've never met her, never seen her, etc)- I'm glad. More power to them.

    I think I'm rambling...but just need encouragement right now.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I want to congratulate you on some very hard decisions you made that will ultimately probably keep drama and GFGness out of your life. HIGH FIVE! Is that enough encouragement?

    difficult children only contact people when they want something, then, if not given what they ask for, they characteristically say the most hurtful thing they can, rather than the truth. The truth is your difficult child has never been on his own and isn't now. He has no job, probably no real home of his own, no job...he is living by selling other people's things or begging family and probably friends for money. This is, from what I read here, typical difficult child behavior. There is this thing called W.O.R.K. and they don't want to do it or they are too wasted to work and they don't want to do the hard job it is to quit using drugs. Whatever the reason is, we don't help them when we empower their self-destruction. We are adding to it when we make it easy for them to live the way they do. I think you took some brave steps and I do know how hard it is and how it hurts, but it does get easier with time.

    Your daughter has to do what she is going to do. Like your son, you can not control her reaction to her brother. You can make suggestions, but she needs to do it her way. In time, she too will probably realize that telling him off does not do any good because he has no interest or caring of her opinion. But let her realize this on her own.

    What does your difficult child need money for? He needs to drive to get to the next party and do drugs? Do not feel bad about what you did or what he said. He will say anything to hurt you if you don't do what he wants you to do.

    by the way, congrats on not paying his cell phone bill anymore!!!

    Pick up that little black dog and hug him. I find lots of comfort in hugging my little doggies. Then tell yourself that you took a very big step tonight and take a nice bubblebath with a book...do something perfectly meaningless but fun :) We are with you, holding your hand. You can do this. We are all survivors here.
     
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  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Once we get over the shock of the things the difficult child does and stop worrying about his safety, there is the deep, deep shame as we allow ourselves to realize the nastiness of what the difficult child is doing.

    They invariably take it public.

    They invariably blame the way they were raised. They focus on our vulnerabilities because hurting us awakens guilt and gets them what they want.

    As surely as the mother of the doctor or research scientist never stops finding some way to work that into conversation because it reflects well on her, we parents of difficult children are sickened a thousand times a day when we think of what our difficult child kids are up to. That is probably what is behind the crying, I think. It's like we split a part of ourselves off to carry the sadness, the loneliness and pain of it, so we can function in the world, so we go to work, and so on.

    But every so often that little cut off part breaks through.

    MWM is exactly right. Hug your dog, love yourself and your family and the sunshine. Begin a gratitude journal. Decide you are strong enough.

    That is what I am deciding, this morning.

    I'm so sorry this is happening.

    You need to be strong, now.

    Cedar
     
  4. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi Sweetmama

    I get that. The crying that won't stop, the overwhelming sadness. I feel for you.
    Refusing money and help, and their "OK, I guess not" replies are so laden with our grief.

    I have to remind myself that it's all manipulation. It's not like we haven't helped them, and some, for years and years. Still they make us feel like we don't care, like we've never done anything for them.

    Moving him off your cellphone account is good. A positive step for you both.

    My feelings would be to go with the flow. Cry and cry. It's not a "crying spell with no provocation". We've all got loads of provocation. Crying's good I think. It's cleansing. It's normal.

    Your daughter has to find her own way to deal with this.
    Look after yourself.
     
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  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Sweet mama,

    I am sorry this is happening to you. I know those days of crying. They do pass after a while. Its OK to let them be. Try to just let the sadness be, and let go of the perseverative thoughts that feed it. The sadness will wash through you with the tears and move on its way if you can try not to feed it with thoughts and word.

    Lucy's comment is important (I tried to do the quote thing but it isn't working today for some reason) Your daughter has to find her own way. Support her in what she needs to do, and dont' try to correct or control it. Take care of your own way

    Your daughter has to find her own way to deal with this.

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/today-hasnt-been-a-good-day.58896/#ixzz3GPRzK5x9

    Hugs today,

    Echo
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    SweetMama, I think every single mother on this forum can relate to your post. I don't believe it's "crying without provocation" though, the provocation is something that is always right there, just awaiting our present recognition of what is.

    Here are my two cents. This path is filled with sorrow and grief. It is a sadness that unless you are on this path with your own precious child, you wouldn't have a clue what this feels like. This grief is total and feels unending, however, it does cease in its intensity.

    I see it now as a well of sorrow that needs to be expressed, it comes out in spells, sometimes with a vengeance, sometimes it leaks out in small increments, but giving it it's expression, allowing it to surface and letting it out, lessens it and over time, it is there, but it is faraway, put in some secret place within where it resides but is not prominent.

    I have cried truckloads of tears over my daughter. And the single most important thing I have learned is to let it out, to allow the feelings, and to do that until they are completely expressed. Once that is accomplished, as remarkable as it may sound, they recede in to the background of our lives and we can once again be present for our own lives, our own joys and our own passions.

    Crying is cleansing, normal and around here we have plenty of reasons to cry...........allow yourself to feel what you feel. In the long run, that is what will free you from the grips of the deep sorrows we feel here.

    Sending hugs and warm wishes for a more peaceful day today.
     
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  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    To Echo's and Recovering's observations, I would add that the nature of the grieved thing, of the loss we feel, changes and deepens and sours as our understanding of our situations changes.

    There was a time I was so sure I was the responsible person. As I do in other areas of life, I tried to fix what I had done.

    Those continual losses were one kind of grief.

    As I got into detachment, as I began to realize the true horror of it -- that there is something else driving this and I have no role and no control and no hope of ever having what I was so sure would be mine...that is another kind of grief, another kind of disbelief.

    There are layers in between.

    Each layer gets more echoey, as we start to really get it that this is what happened to us, and to our kids.

    And our grandchildren.

    The pain is real. You are right to grieve it. If I feel I am moving through it, I keep pushing. When I feel I am stuck in something I have already explored every aspect of to no avail, that is when I look for outside help.

    I no longer trust "professionals" to have a clue about what I am going through. I post what is happening to me, here.

    And that helps me.

    I am sorry this is happening to you, too. But we are making our ways through it. We are going to be fine.

    It IS a hard thing.

    Cedar
     
  8. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thanks for the support. I've always been reluctant to cry over things that *before now* I felt like I had no right to be upset about since I had a hand or roll in them. I didn't teach my son to steal, or lie, or any of those things- but I do acknowledge that I created an environment that facilitated much of his behavior.

    This place is wonderful, and I'm so glad I found it. So often you see people that - when they hear about someone elses difficult child - always wonder 'what their parents did to create that problem'- rather than just realizing that a difficult child is an adult and decides on their own.

    I'm glad to be detaching. For detaching with my difficult child, you can't give him an inch- so I've given him zero. I'm planning holidays without him.

    This will all pass. Somehow. And become better? ok? something we live with?
     
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Actually, you didn't.

    If you had taught your child the set of values he currently lives by, you would not be upset about what he is doing and where he is taking his life.

    It has taken me forever to get that piece. They do know right from wrong. They do know the ways decent people behave. Each of us makes his or her choice about how to respond to the things, good and bad, that happen to all of us.

    Those choices define the kind of human we will be, and determine, in large part, the things that will happen to us, next.

    Actually, you didn't do that, either.

    I was just posting about a family another of the PE parents posted about awhile back. The mother was an addict. A prostitute for drugs and a welfare recipient for housing, food, medical and so on. Each of her children had a different father. There were many children. Each of them grew up delivering the drugs the mother was selling because who would suspect a little kid, right?

    Out of all those children...one grew up, declared he was better than that, and created a stable life for himself.

    The others, and the mother, never changed.

    What was the thing that made the bad boy raised in the bad family be okay?

    The same thing that makes the good boy, raised in the good family, go bad.

    Is it genetics? Just the right (or wrong) role model? Laziness? Drugs?

    I don't know.

    But I do know we are in a hard place when our child is the one in trouble. We can't let go and we can't change anything they do and it's breaking our hearts and our spirits. Detaching is about learning to detach from, is about learning to put away from our hearts, the guilt and the overwhelming emotional devastation of watching our children self destruct.

    It is about reclaiming our own self esteem, which takes such a battering when one of our children is going a wrong way. As you are here with us longer, sweetmama, you will come to know moms with both easy child and difficult child children.

    They don't know what happened to the child who went the wrong way, either.

    Try to separate your heart, your identity as a mother and as a woman, from the choices your son makes.

    He has been raised.

    He knows right from wrong.

    Beyond that, there is nothing more you can do.

    Cherish yourself, be good to yourself, honor yourself for your courage in fighting for your son. Love him with all your heart, bless both him and yourself, and let go.

    You are a fine mother and a good woman, or you would not have found your way to this site.

    :O)

    Cedar
     
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  10. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    This will all pass. Somehow. And become better? ok? something we live with?

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/today-hasnt-been-a-good-day.58896/#ixzz3GagBQpSG

    I don't know why my quote bubble won't work anymore!

    Yes, the crying and intolerable pain will pass. It will pass and you are doing the right thing by posting, reading the responses, and yes...crying. It is OK to look into your soul and air out the questions...but try too, to hear the answers. You didn't cause this. You actually can't stop it. (and I'm not even a 12 stepper!).

    And yes...over time...with detachment..it does get better. You will have good days, weeks. Days you don't have any pain, not even a background ache...and at first you feel a bit guilty about those days. Then you'll feel bad again but it will pass more quickly, maybe not go as deep. Over time...yes, it becomes something we can live with. Because we must.

    For me it reminds me o the deaths of my parents, my dad now 24 years ago, my mom 4 years. Awful excrutiating anguish, regret, guilt, gut racking tears at first. Then daily grief and dread. But now....I miss them. I am sometimes sad when I remember them. It feels like an old, nearly healed bruise. If I don't press it I don't even notice it. If I do press it...it reminds me that it is there, but it is OK.

    You will be OK too.

    Hugs today,

    Echo
     
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  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    SW you have some great and seasoned posters here in your responses. I hope you will read and reread the above. There is a blueprint for the way forward there, for you.

    It is, and it's hard to remember that in the midst of it. We have to remind and remind ourselves of the reality of things. Because what they are saying and doing is not real. It is their distorted and very sick "reality", and we know, when we are calmer and have some space, that the things they are saying are not true. We know what we have tried to do to help them, and we know that finally, we are in the process of stopping, because the truth is that we can't cure a drug addict, alcoholic or anybody with a mental illness, just like you and I can't cure cancer. It takes the person himself or herself, plus the help of professionals and a program of rehabilitation, to change.

    Crying is very good. That you are now letting yourself cry is a major step forward in your own recovery. You are making progress, even if it doesn't feel like progress. Cry all you need to. It is very healing.

    Little by little, you will start feeling better and better. The more you allot time in your daily schedule to work on yourself, the faster you will feel better, and the feeling better will start to come in longer and longer stretches, until the feeling bad is less and less, no matter what he does or does not do.

    It is a true miracle, that we can be happy and joyful and productive, even when our precious adult children are homeless.

    Warm hugs for you today. Keep posting. Believe me, all of us have our down days and down times. The difference is: we now know what to do when it happens.
     
  12. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    It seems like I do some of my first-class crying after I hold fast on a boundary he is trying to get me to capitulate on. I think a lot of the tears are actually pent-up stress that is finally being released now that I've created a little distance.
     
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  13. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thank you so much for the responses and encouragement. One moment I feel like I'm doing really good, and others....sigh. Yes, it is pent up stress. My rose colored glasses are off and the clearer I can see things the sadder and/or angrier I get. He's in Oklahoma this weekend with his girlfriend. It's sad, but I almost hope she talks him into moving there (her family is there).
     
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is an incredible insight, Albatross.

    Holding fast on a boundary we have had to struggle so hard to justify erecting between ourselves and our child in the first place is the underlying mechanism for all of it, for everything we go through.

    It is traumatic for us because change is always an uncertain thing. Is this the right thing, is this the helpful thing, am I responding in a way I will respect...or am I excusing, am I justifying an inappropriate response I will come to regret.

    And I know everyone says we have to let go of the outcome, but I want that healthy family I still hold in my heart. husband and I were talking yesterday about the way our kids hold us to the values of an intact family, of a family where parents support their children, trust their children, mourn and worry for and defend their children.

    But for husband and for me, for every one of us, here on the site...our children have repeatedly betrayed us. They have stolen not just money and things and time, but they have stolen purpose, from us.

    We begin to see differently.

    It is the seeing differently that is so painful. We fight with our whole hearts not to see those changes, not to believe it.

    We are reordering our understanding of the meaning and the purpose of our lives.

    It's a question of knowing what is the right thing to do, but without one bit of positive feedback to show us we are going a right way, a way we will respect ourselves for in the future...whatever the consequences.

    Very scary, especially when the difficult child is so young.

    When the difficult child is older, like mine are, everything gets to be more complex. But at the same time, there is a natural growing away that wants to happen, when you (when I) when the reality of the difficult children adulthood breaks through the ten thousand denials built up over the years of trying to put things right.

    I have a lifetime of focus on my kids and my family to look back on. I am further along in the path of my life. My choice becomes clearer. Do I spend whatever remaining years of health and of creating a living, breathing marriage...do I spend those years too suffering for children I have not been able to help?

    It's a strange thing, a twisting by degrees, how everything got to be what it is.

    But that was a stunning insight into the source of the pain.

    Cedar
     
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  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Wow, Cedar, thanks! I didn't realize I said all that! HA! Yeah, that! That was beautifully expressed. Thank you so much.
     
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