Hi guys, I'm brand new to this site, never joined a forum before, though I have considered it over the years to discuss something I have never spoken about before.
It's about my 13 year old son, his well being and my relationship with him.
When I was 14yrs I met his father and he quickly became my world, I had no family, and growing up myself with a family, at 16 I thought that's what I wanted. We had Caitlyn when I was 1, just 2 weeks before my 17th birthday, life wasn't perfect, but I was completely inlove with my princess and wanted to give her the world, I decided I didn't want any more children and just wanted to make her world the best I could.
When Caitlyn was 3 months old I fell pregnant, I was not happy at all I was pregnant, I wanted to abort, my partner didn't, so I went through with the pregnancy.
Throughout the pregnancy I just ignored it, I never went to a doctor, I never spoke about how I really felt, I never registered with the hospital. I woke up in labour, and it was more painful than the Caitlyn. After he was born I felt no desire to look at him or hold him, after 2 hours and a comment from the nurse I picked him up and huged and kissed him, as I thought I should, not because I desired to.
I have always felt different towards James, It's odd, I still feel protective over him, I just never understood him, I still don't.
Life was really hard after James was born, every day was a struggle, I wouldn't wish those pre school years on anyone, it sounds horrible, and I feel so guilty, but the truth is if I could have gave him up without the stigma, I would have, in highn sight maybe that would have been better for him.
When Caitlyn and James were 1 and 9 months, I separated from their father, the following year I went back to school, the kids were in day care full time and I felt a bit better, but then guilty for having them in care.
I later married and had another two children, with both pregnancies I was so scared I'd feel the same as I do with James, but I didn't. I was just as happy as I was with Caitlyn.
Now James is 13, and lives with his father, he comes to my house every second weekend and all we do is argue, I hate how he makes me feel, and how we just never get along, for the past 5 years he has told me he hates me, he has lived with his father for the past 3 years, and in the last 6 months he hasn't wanted to come over.
As relieved as I am he does not want to come over, I know this situation is not good for him or me, or my other 3 children.
Why do I feel so different about him? How do I change it? Can I change it? And what is best for him now?
I just want him to be happy, and feel that I have made the right decision for him.
I wish I could just love him like I do my other children.....
It's about my 13 year old son, his well being and my relationship with him.
When I was 14yrs I met his father and he quickly became my world, I had no family, and growing up myself with a family, at 16 I thought that's what I wanted. We had Caitlyn when I was 1, just 2 weeks before my 17th birthday, life wasn't perfect, but I was completely inlove with my princess and wanted to give her the world, I decided I didn't want any more children and just wanted to make her world the best I could.
When Caitlyn was 3 months old I fell pregnant, I was not happy at all I was pregnant, I wanted to abort, my partner didn't, so I went through with the pregnancy.
Throughout the pregnancy I just ignored it, I never went to a doctor, I never spoke about how I really felt, I never registered with the hospital. I woke up in labour, and it was more painful than the Caitlyn. After he was born I felt no desire to look at him or hold him, after 2 hours and a comment from the nurse I picked him up and huged and kissed him, as I thought I should, not because I desired to.
I have always felt different towards James, It's odd, I still feel protective over him, I just never understood him, I still don't.
Life was really hard after James was born, every day was a struggle, I wouldn't wish those pre school years on anyone, it sounds horrible, and I feel so guilty, but the truth is if I could have gave him up without the stigma, I would have, in highn sight maybe that would have been better for him.
When Caitlyn and James were 1 and 9 months, I separated from their father, the following year I went back to school, the kids were in day care full time and I felt a bit better, but then guilty for having them in care.
I later married and had another two children, with both pregnancies I was so scared I'd feel the same as I do with James, but I didn't. I was just as happy as I was with Caitlyn.
Now James is 13, and lives with his father, he comes to my house every second weekend and all we do is argue, I hate how he makes me feel, and how we just never get along, for the past 5 years he has told me he hates me, he has lived with his father for the past 3 years, and in the last 6 months he hasn't wanted to come over.
As relieved as I am he does not want to come over, I know this situation is not good for him or me, or my other 3 children.
Why do I feel so different about him? How do I change it? Can I change it? And what is best for him now?
I just want him to be happy, and feel that I have made the right decision for him.
I wish I could just love him like I do my other children.....