You are so not alone! I struggled with this same thing so badly, that it resulted in me ending up feeling completely burnt out and completely dissatisfied with life and miserable emotionally. I ended up consumed (not obsessive compulsive type consumed, just determined to be that Perfect Mom and Housekeeper *yeah right*) and I literally missed needed sleep in order to keep it all as perfect as possible every single day. I don't know why/how, but one day I just gave myself a reality check. Is a perfect clean home nice? Sure it is. And some days I even end up with it looking that way now. For a day max before living gets in the way of supposed perfection. And that "living" usually means we made messes by cooking and sharing family meals that ended up with no clean up because that time together lead to a great family evening. In which case, those dishes staying dirty didn't seem so darn bad after all. The alternative would have meant a sparkly kitchen at the expense of a great night bonding with those that I love. The letting go of "picture perfect" also reduced familial conflict. No more was I the nag who had to be on everyone to pick up and end up in fights or being resentful for being the one who had to constantly clean. Laundry? Pffft. My rule now is that 1) laundry must hit a basket, of which we have many to just avoid it piling on floors and making a bigger mess. 2) Laundry is done enough that we all have clean clothes to wear. 3) If something is dirty that someone wants, don't expect me to read minds, ask. NICELY. I'll prioritize it.
I have no idea how I coped when both of my kids were smaller, when I worked and attended post secondary schooling, and was a single parent, and kept my home "just so". Well, it probably helped that we spent so much time at school and kids with sitters. Nobody home often to make it messier. But I can say that I've long been a stay at home mom. It's coming up on 2 years in a few months since my eldest flew the coop and moved across country for work and his girlfriend. My youngest is now a teen and more than capable of helping around her. And I now am not doing this alone, I have a S/O to help. And guess what? My house has never again been that clean, picked up place for long. And the best part? We are all so very much happier! We spend time enjoying one another, and I gave up this nonsense guilt complex about taking time to just sit and do things that I enjoy (even when housework NEEDS doing). I read, I play on the internet, take naps, watch television, yak with my small group of girlfriends on the phone, etc. I'd say its a 50/50 guess most days if my house is worthy of company. And I have learned, that it is OKAY. And it isn't some reflection of me being some failure or doing something right. So long as we don't live in dirt and filth, which we don't, I have learned that a lived in home (my term for clutter or things not always picked up, unmade beds, messy laundry room, etc) usually means a much more content family. It took me letting go of unrealistic expectations, along with putting more emphasis on quality of our family life IN the home, instead of appearances. I haven't ever regretted it.
You aren't doing it wrong. You aren't failing anything or anyone. Be kind to yourself. I can't even imagine trying to keep up with appearances or whatever with 3 young kids. Add anxiety and other factors with you (I also share much of your list) , and your husbands experiences that cause him emotional strain, and it is even more important that you remember to tell yourself that you and your loved ones needs come before worrying if dishes get done at a certain time or laundry is all tucked away clean. Hugs.