Uninvited guest for Thanksgiving

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jabberwockey, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    So here is the situation. We have invited our difficult child to come over for Thanksgiving dinner. Not sure if he will be able to or not due to possible work conflict as he is bell ringing for the Salvation Army. Our son has asked if J-2 can come as well. Im 99.9% certain that J-2 has invited himself and that our son doesnt really want him along and only asked us if he could bring him along just so we would be the ones to say no.

    I've been thinking on this and while our difficult child is no angel, I cant help but think about how much trouble he would have avoided in his life if he would just grow a spine and tell J-2 NO! I hate to be the jerk on the holiday but the reality is that just having our son over will be uncomfortable enough without J-2 adding his 2 cents into everything. Add on to that the fact that I simply dont want J-2 in our house anymore.

    Any thoughts or tips would be greatly appreciated and if you read this and dont know what Im talking about, look up threads by my wife Lil. It has all been explained and several here already know the situation. Thanks.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Seriously, I don't see the problem. This is your holiday, not J2's. I would just say "He can't come." To me, it's easy.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with MWM, just say no. Your home, your food, your holiday. And, you don't like the guy and you don't want him there. It doesn't sound as if now is the time for your son to "grow a spine." Look at it like this.....say no and model for your son what "spine" is.
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  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    If you have to be the one to tell J-2, tell him due to the extenuating circumstances, (which he is well aware of, your son is in a homeless shelter), it is not possible to have anyone but family over for Thanks Giving at this point of time.
  5. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    My issue with this is he has been using us for the last few years as "The Bad Guys" when it comes to his friends. Im just tired of having to do that instead of him just being able to tell someone...other than us that is!...no and do or dont do what he wants to do. I cant help but feel to coninue saying no for him is enabling him to continue to let others control his life instead of stepping up and living it himself.

    J-2 is more than well aware of the situation. If you remember, he is the one who followed our son to the homeless shelter. As to telling him it isnt possible to have anyone over for the holiday besides family, he knows us well enough to know that would be a lie.

    I've been doing that for several years. Instead, my son has turned that into an excuse to have me be the bad guy to his friends.
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This year is different.

    This year, you and your wife have been forced to choose: set into motion terrible things that you never imagined would happen in your family and then, try to rise above your own hearts and consciences to abide by them in an effort to save your son from himself...or let your son fall.

    That is why J2 cannot come.

    This year is horribly different.

  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would simply say that given all the upheaval lately, you'd like a quiet family thanksgiving with no outside guests. You'd like him all to yourself this year.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    These are my thoughts on having unwanted guests in my home. I do not like any of my 18 year olds friends. They are drug users and thieves. My son will hang out with losers and people he does not like (who use him and physically hurt him) just to have a "friend". My son does not have the guts to just tell them NO. If my son gets conned, bullied, or intentionally invites them to MY home, my son is told that he either tells them no himself, or he can go elsewhere with said friend.
  9. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Why would you care what his dodgy friends think of you?
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "my son has turned that into an excuse to have me be the bad guy to his friends."

    I think I understand what you are saying now. You want your son to stand up for himself, to be able to place his own boundaries around himself and be able to say no, thereby removing some of these negative characters from his sphere. It sounds as if in the past, he has put you in the position of being the one who puts his foot down, thereby abdicating any responsibility for what he wants.

    Well, first of all, given holiday madness and expectation and all of the usual holiday "stuff," now may not be the time for him to "grow a spine" as you said. It just doesn't appear that the holidays present a good "teaching moment."

    However, has he ever been in any kind of program where he learns how to take care of himself? Such as "assertiveness training" or a course where he can get tools to be able to set boundaries and say no? As a young person I was a lot like your son, I had to learn, to be trained to be able to figure out how to first detect that I needed to say NO and then to actually do it. It was a process for me to learn that. I was afraid and the fear prevented me from being able to voice my opinions or needs. Learning to say no, to be able to be strong enough to set boundaries is not natural for everyone, he may need serious training to be able to do that. Perhaps you can help him do that, find a course, or class or teacher , after the holidays.
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  11. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Its not that I care, its that my son uses me to tell them no. He wont do it himself.
  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    He is currently seeing a counselor but other than that, no, he hasnt attended any programs and I dont know how he would react to such a suggestion right now.

    Just got an e-mail from Lil stating that our son did actually want him to come so she said yes. Whatever.
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's your house, you are the ones who decide who will be invited. It is not your difficult child's place to invite anyone. If it were me, this is what I would tell J-2 and that you only want your close family to attend your holiday dinner.
    It doesn't make you the bad guy. I would also remind your difficult child that it is not him home therefore he does not have the right to invite anyone into your home unless you specifically say he can.
    Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with Peace.
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  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Honey! I hadn't seen this! Yeah everyone...I'll be calling my husband. I didn't realize he was so dead-set against it!

    (And by the way - He's J-1 - J-2 is J.E. and J-3 is J.M.)
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I feel bad...although Jabber tells me it's okay...I really hadn't realized how strongly he felt about this. I hadn't been on the board until just a couple minutes before I saw this.

    I guess my thinking was...it's just dinner. We'll probably pick them up, they'll eat, we'll have pie, then we'll take them back to the shelter. Did I want my son to come and actually hang out for a bit and watch TV and visit and try to have a few pleasant hours? Yes. But he called to ask me a phone number for a job app today and when I talked to him I asked if he really wanted J to come and he said yes. I said, "It's not just that he wants to come, YOU want him to come?" He said, "Yeah, it's cool." So I said yes. It's Thanksgiving...a day when you eat lots. I'm not working that hard, I'm sticking the ham in the crock pot, sweet potatoes the same way, and making instant scalloped potatoes. Probably mac & cheese because my kid likes it. Some green beans and a pie. I've always wished I could host family Thanksgiving. I'm a "more the merrier" kind of person - with notice so I can prepare. Even if it's people I don't give a hoot about. I love to cook for people, it actually kind of sucks cooking for two. Heck, I'd feed every homeless person in town if I could afford to feed them. (Yes, I know there's probably a turkey dinner waiting for them there.)

    So yeah...not happy he's coming, but I don't really mind that much. But now I feel bad for not asking Jabber 1st. :(
  16. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It happens all the time in my house with my kids who live under the same roof. They text me and husband in a group text and whoever sees it first answers. Honestly Lil I probably would have done the same thing. I wouldn't have thought twice about it. I also would have felt guilty when I found out husband didn't love the idea. I think this is a pretty normal mom/dad conundrum.

    I probably would have regreted it right after it came out of my mouth knowing me.
  17. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Haha, that's what I originally thought. I said oh boy, don't tell me another one of his friends followed him to the homeless shelter.....I couldn't handle that! It was bad enough the first one did!
  18. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    After divorcing a difficult child, drug addicted husband, now dealing with my difficult child son and the difficult child girlfriend, I'm tired of dealing with difficult child drama. It seems to worsen over the holidays.

    I have difficult children in my fam that are not druggies or drinkers, but love the drama.....some were going to the family get together, but said they were not talking to so and so.

    So this Thanksgiving I said no to everyone and hubby and I enjoyed a delicious 11 pound turkey with all the trimmings including pumpkin pie. We also donated to four different charities for others to enjoy a good meal.

    We will be eating leftovers for a week BUT I had a wonderful time preparing our dinner, he complimented my cooking, and we have the best drama free Thanksgiving in a very long time! I do not feel obligated to deal with anyone any more. Hope your turned out as well as min.
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  19. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your responses, they are greatly appreciated. Thought you'd all like to know that this has become a moot point. Lil is very sick right now with a sinus infection and while I'm capable of doing the cooking, the ham is in the oven and the sweet potato's are in the crockpot, having visitors over right now isnt the wisest idea. Especially ones, or one!, that will potentially cause much drama and stress. We aren't even sure if she will be well enough to do the full family thing on Saturday. Thanks again!
  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yeah...I feel like crap. :ill:

    So I called the kid and asked how disappointed he'd be if we canceled. He wasn't. I did.

    I may go back to bed.