Unwanted hugs and kisses...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by totoro, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    OK I am not the most touchy person, unless you talk about the old Toto who was a tad loaded.
    I'd hug anyone in the bar!

    But the real me is just not really that touchy. I love the girls, love the hugs and kisses, cuddling!
    husband same thing. But even him I don't want to make out all over the place.
    Good friends I love hugging...

    Which brings me to this weekend. husband's parents are back in town. They had some relatives visit them yesterday, I don't even know who they were, some great uncle/Aunt or someone...
    So I walk through the door and there it is, the woman gives me a huge hug and a kiss on the mouth!!! EGADS
    The man, a huge hug as well.
    Then mother in law a huge hug kiss on the cheek.
    Grandpa inlaw, huge hug kiss in the cheek...
    I am cringing by now.

    I know I have to kind of just take these shows of affection. There is just no polite way to brush them off without hurting their feelings. They are the types that would take it so personally.

    mother in law is a huge hugger. I try to get out of it, but she corners me and gets one in a lot!
    husband laughs at me, because I try to laugh about it. I tell him it is messing with my whole sense of well being and shatters my nerves.
    I then joke about trying to dodge the hugs and kisses.
    He agrees that none of them would get it.
    father in law gets it, he is a no toucher, except for the girls.
    Even N hates to hug strangers.

    I just don't get why people feel the need to touch everyone, especially people they don't know?
    I know I am weird, but sheesh. mother in law knows we have tension, quit hugging me!

    I don't even like hugging my Dad!
    I like hugging friends more, it just seems truer, for some reason.

    Just a weird post. Been thinking about it after being mauled this weekend.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    If I could build you a shield around your personal space I would. It would mildly electrocute those who got too close. If they did it again their hair would stand up all day.

    Hugs(from afar). I bet you really enjoy cyber hugs? lol

    Going to my corner to finish my beer.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I've always been the same way. My Mom wasn't one to ever show affection.....at least to me, I can't be sure with the other kids, but I never saw it. Gramma and my aunt used to hug and kiss me alot, though.

    I'm fine with kids, grandkids, and used to be with husband. I didn't even go so far as hugging friends unless it was a situation that really really called for it. And even then it was extremely uncomfortable.

    mother in law blew me away the day I met her for the first time. Yep, I didn't even make it inside when I got a big fat hug and welcome to the family. Seriously, I had to fight the urge to run.

    Fortunately mother in law realized it made me uncomfortable and it was many years before we hugged again.......once our relationship had grown very close. And thank God father in law never tried, I think I'd have died. lol (seriously)

    I'm better than I used to be, but for the most part......hands off. I don't want to be touched, hugged, or kissed. Actually, if you get to far inside my personal space at all, you're likely to hear about it. lol

    Because of the sexual abuse of my childhood, touching for me was never a good thing. That coupled with Mom never showing affection....just reinforced it. And I guess it's so ingrained in me now I just will never really get past it.

    I also taught my kids they never had to give or receive affection from anyone they didn't want to. And I backed them all the way whenever they felt uncomfortable and didn't want to, even if it was grandparents. I do the same with my own grands. If they don't feel like giving me affection, then that's ok. Know what I mean??

    Wanna know something weird?? I've been hugged more by my mother since I was run over by the truck 5 yrs ago than in my whole life. And it still creeps me out. :rofl:
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    This is SO me. I am not a huggy person. With the exception of my kids or the hug I would LIKE to get from husband.

    But as far as friends, other family or aquaintances - stay away. I have a friend who is a huggy person. My best friend. She would end up cornering me and laugh at me. I am just not a hugger.

    I also notice myself, at work or other places, when a boss or co-worker or anyone actually, gets to close to me I take a step back. I need my space, my comfort zone.

    I was blown away when difficult child was in middle school. I would go into school at passing time and everyone runs up and hugs everyone. difficult child was on the recieving end of many hugs. I asked him if that bothers him, he said no. He thinks I am goofy that I don't hug.

    My parents, family, growing up never hugged. Never ever said "I love you". I heard my mother once say they don't need to say it, it is just "understood". I have no complaints of my childhood, better than most people I know. Just was not an openly affectionate family. I always wondered if that was why I cannot hug people.

    I may not hug you, but I do care deeply about friends. As far as boss's and aquaintances...give me my space. Don't get too close when speaking to me. I am visibly uncomfortable.

    I am glad you posted this. I thought I was just the weird one.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I come from a "huggy" family, but my mom ALWAYS made it clear to anyone we didn't want to hug that we didn't have to. Even among my dad's giant family during the Xmas reunions - she somehow was ALWAYS there when one aunt would try to corner us for hugs. Of course, mom said we even cried as infants when this aunt would try to touch us (and she is the nastiest person on Earth!)

    I am a cyber-hugger, and will hug family and a FEW close friends. There is family I would rather not hug, but tolerate because I don't want to deal with-the scene.

    But I totally understand how you feel about hugging. I was in college before I was actually comfortable hugging anyone other than family. At. All.
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Toto, I'm with you. For the most part I'm a non-touch person. Even among close friends and family, there are some I can accept hugs from and others not. husband, sister in law, Little easy child, sometimes mother in law....that's about it.

    For me, I think the issue is twofold.

    First, there's the unwelcome touch. I've had too much unwelcome touch forced on me in my life, and I just don't put up with it anymore. Most good friends and family understand this and don't try.

    Then, it seems as though the force-huggers always want to back you into a corner so that you can't avoid the hug. I can't stand being cornered.

    difficult child is a force-hugger. He will back people into corners and smother them with hugs and wet kisses. Even when he was a small child it was oppressive, and now that he's a giant man it's just unacceptable. They've even instituted rules at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) about this. No touching other people unless they welcome it, and then only certain types of touch, and they time him. Hugs are "one-mississippi, two-mississippi, break". Kisses only if he asks and receives permission first, and he has to take no for an answer, with no coercion.

    So, you're definitely not the only one.

    Cyber hugs are just right.

  7. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    We are a family of outward expressions of affection and greetings. Appropriate kisses to the cheeks to those we know. There is, however, a line of propriety with extended family. It's the kiss on each cheek as a greeting. Similar to shaking hands.
    The real enthusiastic expressions of affection are given regularly within our family. My easy child still kisses my cheek before he goes to bed when he is home. He has always done this and I have never asked for it to be done. He just started modeling our behavior to him.

    In laws were somewhat taken aback by our physical custom of greeting. Now they do it too and love it. Just a different custom they adapted and adopted.

    However, I don't kiss/greet new acquaintances or casual acquaintances. It would be rude to not great a relative in the custom they are used to being greeted.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    My Italian family hugs and kisses everyone! That's how I was raised. Walk into a relatives house and I knew I would not only get hugged (and suffocated by my female relatives' ample bosoms) and kissed (slobbered on) but my cheeks would be pinched till they nearly bled.

    As an adult, I'm a very affectionate person. But I know to read body language, and I will not hug or kiss anyone that does not seem comfortable with it.

    Toto...start sneezing next time. "oh you'd better keep your distance; don't want you to catch what I have"
  9. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    Put me on the list of people who are definitely NOT huggy and touchy. Most people who know me at all, know that I'm that way and keep their distance and most new aquaintances seem to pick up on my body language that I do not want to be hugged and kissed but there is always some jack-donkey who can't seem to read the signals. I am also not the politest person in the world; I do not set out to insult people but they should be able to read that I don't want to be kissed by anybody except my grandkids and my dogs. (I'm sure I'm much less likely to catch something serious from the dogs than from my ex-husband) LOL
  10. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    I'm with the majority here - sexual abuse as a child - I pulled away from physical affection because innocence and trust evaporated. Even my mom, who is more affectionate than I am realized I needed my space and didn't push it.

    Now, thirty some years later, I hug friends and relatives I haven't seen in a long time. If I see someone regularly, we don't hug.

    I have always asked a child if I could GIVE him/her a hug - not demand it FROM the child. Over the weekend, I saw my great-nephew twice. Saturday - he wanted to sit next to me at the dinner table, but no hug allowed. Sunday - we colored and played together, and when it was time for me to go, when I asked if I could give him a hug, it was an enthusiastic yes.

    N* requires a lot of physical affection. When she says she needs a hug, I give it to her.
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I would welcome a hug from you BBK!!!
    I would welcome hugs from most people that I genuinely care about...it is the stranger thing that freaks me out, especially the big kiss on the mouth!!!
    If I met most of you I would likely DEMAND a hug!!!
    I would probably even cry... which is not me either.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I can haz NO hugz

    I want that on shirt

    I will just point to shirt------->>>>>>
  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am thinking about putting them on a shirt.
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Personal space is huge for me. Working retail, I get all sorts of customers with boundary issues. We call them the close talkers, the people that stand within one millimeter of you and talk to you, and the minute you take a step back, they step with you.....you know what I mean? OMG! I want to draw a chalk circle around me, and let them know they are violating my personal space. I think there is a Seinfeld about that, actually.

    I have never had a customer hug me, thank god. But some co-workers are into that thing. I kinda pat back, and then push away. They usually get the message pretty quick. I love Kitty's idea of sneezing;) That is perfect!

    Yes, mauling is the correct terminology. Like a puppy that has no boundaries and will not stop licking your face - except puppies are far more tolerable than humans.
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2009
  16. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm a hugger but I don't maul unsuspecting victims lol. I will also ask before I hug if it's someone I've never hugged before. I was honored when my friend's 13 year old aspie daughter who is not a hugger said yes when I asked if I could give her a hug recently.