update--difficult child disappears with boyfriend

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by janebrain, Oct 24, 2008.

  1. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi All,
    I talked to easy child son, C, last night. The gist of the situation is that difficult child had agreed to go with C and R (the person who C is staying with now). They told her she could not go back to the apt. where she'd been living with boyfriend, they were going to lock it down. They told her to stay in the car and when they came back she was gone. No one has heard from her since Tuesday night--so she has gone with boyfriend.

    I actually am glad for C that it happened this way. He can have a clear conscience--he knows he did everything he could to help difficult child and she just wouldn't accept the help. I am so glad she didn't actually move in with him and then get in contact with boyfriend. Now no one knows where C is living. He can get on with his life and not have difficult child and her baby to take care of and not have to put up with all her ****. He is happy where he is living and he has a good job and friends.

    As for difficult child I am not too worried--she and boyfriend are very good at finding people to take care of them. With her being 9 months pregnant they should be able to elicit lots of sympathy. They both are charming--very friendly, articulate, great social skills. They are good at portraying themselves as a nice young couple who through circumstances beyond their control have ended up in a bad situation. They are able to make others feel good about helping them til the people catch on that they are just being used and that doesn't happen til they have provided shelter, food, etc.

    C says he is through with difficult child. He says he never wants to see her or talk to her again. I said that would probably change, that he could have a very superficial relationship with her--you just can't have a relationship with her where you try to help her in any way. He says he will never live with her again or give her one more cent. I said we are on the same page there! He said he feels sad because it was so different when he first went out to Seattle. He says when she had to quit working was when it really went downhill. (She had been an exotic dancer at a club but had to quit when the pregnancy got too advanced.) I will say that she seems to enjoy working, I think it makes her feel good about herself. The boyfriend sure enjoys her working--I think she gave all her money to him.

    Okay, so in a weird way this was good news. I am so happy that C is now free of difficult child. difficult child will probably never change and I have gotten used to her being difficult child and knowing that she is living the life she has chosen.

    I do feel sorry for the baby and I feel sad that I probably will not get to know this child--I can't allow myself to be manipulated by difficult child and the baby would be the perfect tool for that. I can't do normal grandmother things--I can't go visit, buy things for the baby (they will just get left behind), etc. My husband's son and wife are expecting their 1st child 2 weeks after difficult child is due--this is also a very painful thing for me. The contrast is so great. I have trouble reading the posts about grandchildren here--even most of the difficult children who have kids seem to be pretty good parents. I think my difficult child will sacrifice her child's needs to do whatever boyfriend tells her to do. I do not think she will be a "warrior" mom. I think she will find the baby a burden and if boyfriend finds it to be annoying she will be angry with it. I do not think she would stand up for the baby. Hope she surprises me for once!

    Thanks for reading this long post--I guess I was rambling. Needed to get some of this off my chest I think.

    Jane
     
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm sorry you are having to watch from the sidelines. You are right. A grandchild should be a happy thing. I can understand your concerns about the birth of yours. And it must be a hurtful thing to watch husband's grandchild be treated the way you want to treat yours. Hugs.
     
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Jane.

    You know I think as a Mom of a difficult child I get so or maybe used to get SO SO tired of settling. When I think back about actually BEING pregnant with a child, giving birth, and then having those "Futuristic Mom" dreams - I have to force myself to know they were just that, dreams.

    I get angry at times too because when I do allow myself a moment to feel sorry for me? I realized just HOW much I've settled in my hopes for difficult child and how much I have had to say "Pick your battles" or "No really shaved eyebrows and home made tattoos aren't the end of the world." while my other friends are (#)()(*$#)(ing about - "Johnny, who is graduating, and drives his OWN car, from money he earned working since he was 14, is getting ready to GO to college on full scholarship, but has a girlfriend and they blah blah blah." and I think "CRIPES lady - is THAT the crisis here? Really?" and then I want to stick my finger in my mouth and pop it out, making a wha sound for her sad, sad, life or my fakey "Oh gosh that is AWFUL." retort.

    In reality I just want to say "HOW do you EVER survive?" and throw myself over the hood of my 18 year old vehicle, worried about how I'm going to make it to my second job, is my son (you know the uneducated one with tattoos and shaven parts) going to be incarcerated for 15 years, and when I get home will I find DF laying on the floor screaming in pain because he tried to fix the sink and his back locked up and now at 11:00 at night we must call an ambulance, move furniture to get the gurney in, and drive there and WAIT for 6 hours, leave so that I can rush to the first job first job, only to get a call from a caseworker who wants to put my son in a locked down facility, while.......the minutes run out on my TracFone because I disconnected the home phone - and I'm out of Prilosec......and Tequila. :tongue: and at 6:30 am - it COULD (at this point) be a breakfast drink.

    Yeah I hear ya, feel ya - and the grandbaby thing? I'm so sorry - I am sure that hurts. But then like you we basket B everything.....or basket C and put on a nice face by 7:30 AM because the rest of the world really doesn't care that I bought UNFROSTED, Blueberry poptarts and in that box quality control missed the fact that I got a Cherry, frosted frigging poptart - threw it out the window because I was so angry and got flipped off by the guy and girl driving in their little econo car because I'm a litter bug, and yet their bumper sticker said in funky symbols COEXIST.....

    BITE ME

    On a lighter note - I'm GLAD you have at least ONE child that you can have a relationship with....lol

    Somedays though - Some....days. sigh.....

    Hugs for your everything....
    Star
     
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Jane}}},

    I know that it must be so very hard to be watching from the sidelines with your boundaries in check while your heart aches because you won't be able to be your version of 'gramma' to that baby.

    It's good that you're able to have a clear head about the reality of the situation. I hope that difficult child surprises you and that the baby's welfare provides the impetus for change.

    Hugs to you - good for easy child!
     
  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Jane, I know your pain...... glad easy child has finally seen the light, but doesn't make anything easier....... Somewhere in the back of your mind you hope things might change, but as my easy child says......"I always expect the worst from difficult child and I'm seldom disappointed"....... As far as grandchildren go, I have a couple in difficult child's wake, but have no relationship with any......
     
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