Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by everywoman, May 20, 2010.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Things are not going great. husband is blaming me for all of the problems. He thinks I am a horrible person who is selfish and his sister is filling him with her venom.

    So, I am going this afternoon to look at an apartment in town. I talked to an attorney this morning and got some legal advice (after teaching for 23 years, I have several former students who are now practicing law). I will probably file on the grounds of habitual addiction. I do not need alimony. I don't want the house---it was his when we married, it is on his family land, and I can support myself just fine.

    I waiver between guilt and sadness and relief that I finally made this choice.

    Hang in there with me friends---I may need you!
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    We're always here for you!
  3. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    Sorry it has come to this for you, but only YOU know what you need.

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I support your decision however you might want to talk things over about division of property and such with your lawyer because you do have a few health issues that could get in your way in the not so distant future. Also this is an unstable time for the teaching profession. Just wanting to look out for your interests.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    We'll be here.
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Thanks everyone--
    Janet- I appreciate your concern, but really, I am covered pretty well. With the housing market being what it is, and husband's troubles years ago which caused a refinance, the house is not worth it to fight for. I am pretty secure in my job---I've been here 23 years---they really can't get rid of me now---lol---and healthwise---I'm good. Knees hurt, medications cover thyroid issues---and hopefully once this is over I can break this nasty smoking habit. I am a very young 47---I think I'll be okay;)
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok...just looking out for you! I have to quit smoking effective this weekend I hope hope hope! Tony is going to hog tie me if I dont. So if you dont see me on the board you will know I have been duct taped in the closet...lol.

    I know you will get through this. Not easy...but you will.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    EW sending huge ((((hugs)))) your way. I know this wasn't an easy decision for you to make. But if it is what you need to do, then it is what you need to do. Life is too d*mn short to spend it miserable. We're always here for you whenever you need us.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It's good to hear from you. I know you have been super stressed lately. I agree that you should file those separation papers ASAP if that is where your heart is. I'm going to play devil's advocate here and ask if it's possible that he will ask for support from you? Women may not have equality, but they sure like to pretend that we do when they're handing out what we've gotten for ourselves. Community property is a messy business.
  10. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    ew, I'm here for you. I understand your thoughts on the house. I will, however, throw out as Janet did, please rethink your thoughts regarding alimony. Even if you don't "need" it now to live on, you can always bank it for a later time. You never, ever know when that will come in handy for an unforseen time or expense. Seriously. Also, it can be for a defined period of time, say a year, rather then a long period. This gives you a good piece to bank for that time you may ever need and also, may actually force husband to be accountable or rather have to step up to the plate and do something to help himself in some small way towards recovery as he will have to pay you. Just toss the idea around in your head please. {hugs}
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Ladies, the problem is that I have been in my profession for 23 years. I hold advanced certification. I make more $$$$ than husband. I would not be awarded alimony. Plus, I want a nice simple divorce. I don't want an ugly scene, and I will do whatever I need to to make sure that my kids don't have to choose who is right or who is wrong. husband's recovery is in his hands. I'm not responsible for his choices. I let go of that battle years before, or though I had. Now, I'm just doing it legally.
  12. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Point taken and noted! :)
  13. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Witz has a point, if you earn more that husband, He may get alimony. Not trying to add to your worries, just be sure you talk with an attorney about these aspects.........just cover your bases (or behind)...... thinking of you and 47 seems pretty young to me........
  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You have made a tough choice that was a long time coming. I think that it is great that you can support yourself and just want a clean break. I wish more women would think of long term financial planning so that when these kinds of things happen money isn't the reason that they have to stay in a bad marriage.


  15. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    EW, sending a shoulder to lean on.....you've made a brave, heart rendering decision. Keeping positive thoughts that the legalities are quick & painless.
  16. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You don't think he would try to get alimony do you? Just an (unlikely) thought. Gentle hugs.
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and support.
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Keeping you in my prayers. Gentle hugs.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Still keeping you in my thoughts.

    Oh...and for when you decide to quit smoking, got some good news for you if you want to try any of the nicotine aids. (I am going to try the nicotine inhalers!)

    Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT)
    If you are 18 or older you can buy NRT without a doctor's prescription. If you are on Medicaid or the State Employee Health Plan, NRT is covered if you have a prescription from a doctor. Your insurance provider may have similar benefits. NRT comes in different doses. When you have been off tobacco for awhile, you should be able to decrease the dose of NRT as your craving for nicotine lessens. You may want to keep backup NRT with you for at least a year, however, in case you have a sudden urge or craving. Always read the package instructions before using any form of NRT.
    If you have had a recent heart attack, chest pain or serious abnormal heart beats, you should check with your doctor before using any NRT product.
    If you are pregnant or breast-feeding, you should talk with your doctor before using NRT. If you can, it's best to try quitting tobacco use without medications. The drug Chantix has not been studied in pregnant or nursing women and is not recommended for them.
    The following list is an overview of some medications that might help you quit using tobacco.
    Over-The-Counter Products
    Nicotine Patch
    The patch doesn't work as fast as a cigarette, but after a few hours, it will work all day. You put it on just like a band-aid, and nicotine enters the body by passing through the skin. The patch comes in three different doses, and when you use the correct dose, you may have fewer withdrawal symptoms such as stress, bad temper, drowsiness and difficulty staying focused.
    Nicotine Gum
    Nicotine gum gets nicotine to the brain more quickly than the patch, but it still takes several minutes before the craving is relieved.
    Nicotine gum is not chewed like ordinary gum. For the gum to work correctly, you must chew it only until it feels slightly tingly or peppery. Then 'park' the gum between your cheek and gum to allow the nicotine to enter your bloodstream through the cheek lining. If you continue to chew nicotine gum beyond the peppery/tingly feeling, the nicotine will be swallowed instead of absorbed, the craving for tobacco will not be relieved, and you might end up with a stomachache.
    When the next craving occurs, 'chew and park' again. Continue to 'chew and park' until chewing no longer results in the peppery/tingly feeling. Then begin again with a new piece. Nicotine gum is available in two doses.
    Nicotine Nasal Spray
    Nicotine nasal spray is released from a pump bottle into the nose where the nicotine is rapidly absorbed through nasal membranes. With the spray, nicotine reaches the blood stream faster than other NRT products and can be most helpful for highly-addicted tobacco users.
    Nicotine Lozenge
    Nicotine lozenges come in the form of hard candies that you allow to melt slowly in your mouth. The lozenge releases nicotine into the bloodstream through the lining of the mouth and lasts about 20 to 30 minutes. Nicotine will continue to enter the bloodstream for a short time after the lozenge has melted completely.
    Nicotine lozenges are available in two different strengths based on when you smoke your first cigarette of the day.
    Prescription Products
    Nicotine Inhaler
    The nicotine inhaler is a plastic mouthpiece with a nicotine-filled cartridge that mimics the look and feel of smoking a cigarette. The inhaler is used whenever you crave a cigarette, but when you inhale, it delivers nicotine into the mouth instead of the lungs.
    The inhaler delivers nicotine more slowly to the body than a cigarette, but it is often very helpful for someone who has a strong hand-to mouth association with cigarettes. A dose is one puff, and it takes about 80 puffs to equal the amount of nicotine in one cigarette. You should use no more than 16 cartridges per day for up to 6 months, cutting down during the last 3 months. Best effects are achieved by frequent puffing.
    Nicotine Nasal Spray
    Nicotine nasal spray is released from a pump bottle into the nose where the nicotine is rapidly absorbed through nasal membranes. With the spray, nicotine reaches the blood stream faster than other NRT products and can be most helpful for highly-addicted tobacco users.
    A dose is two sprays " one in each nostril, best delivered with the head tilted slightly back. To avoid side effects, do not sniff, swallow or inhale while taking a dose.
    Last edited: May 20, 2010
  20. EW,

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes, just making this decision is the hardest thing to do. I sense a sound of relief in your posts.

    I walked away from a bad marriage, and it was the best decision I ever made. Like you, I didn't want any money, ties, or involvement with my ex. I'm not saying the first year was all joy and light, but I was a free woman and my life only got better and better.

    Hang in there!